1. 1. What did you do?

    Okay, okay, just breathe. This may not be so bad. We just need to know a few more things.

  2. 2. Did you apologize publicly?

    Hmm...okay, remember, this is a crucial step. The media frames the story, and our decision will be affected by how they portray you.

  3. 3. How carefully constructed is your off-field persona?

    Here’s the deal: If you put in the effort to be a good guy in the offseason, we can probably be more lenient in your punishment.

  4. 4. Are you a famous player who brings the NFL millions of dollars in revenue through merchandise, appearances, and ticket sales?

    While popular and talented players receive the most public attention, the majority of people still want to see their favorite players complete impressive athletic acrobatics on the field each week, and will look the other way for them.

  5. 5. Is the nature of your infraction, and the manner in which you committed it, great fodder for scathing op-eds and thinkpieces?

    Hmm...

  6. 6. All right, this one’s important: Were you videotaped?

    Hmm...

  • Results for How Would The NFL Punish Your Infractions?

    Via 2dopeboyz.com

    You are fined $250,000

    You made a mistake. Don’t do it again! But good work controlling the story and the public reaction. If you do commit a felony again, take the same precautions as you did here and we should be fine.

  • Results for How Would The NFL Punish Your Infractions?

    Via businessinsider.com

    You are banned for two games

    Hey, look, we know the life of a professional athlete isn’t always easy, and if we had it our way, we’d slap you with a little fine and you’d be back out on the field next week. But you let the media get ahold of this story just a bit too much, so we have to do this. See you in Week 4.

  • Results for How Would The NFL Punish Your Infractions?

    Via cbssports.com

    You are suspended for the rest of the season

    Okay, come on. You need to work with us here. You can’t half-sell your apology, not donate money to a charity, and in general seem unrepentant, and expect us to just look the other way. You have to be smart about this! Hopefully this suspension will give you time to think about how you could have handled yourself differently. We’re sorry, but you forced our hand.

  • Results for How Would The NFL Punish Your Infractions?

    Via casino.org

    You are banned indefinitely

    How could you let yourself be videotaped while committing a crime? How could you not pre-plan photo ops of you making things right? How could you not hire a team of media professionals to spin this story the correct way? You are truly a disgusting human being.
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