Do You Smell Luxurious Enough To Attend Warren Bu...

1. Warren Buffet is so rich that he’s had experimental surgery to make his sense of smell 10 times more powerful than that of a rat, so you’ll really need to make sure you start your morning smelling right. How many times do you shower in the morning?: Just once because I am currently under house arrest for insider trading and the water would destroy my ankle monitor.; I do not shower in the morning because by that time I have already been in the shower all night. I do not actually ever go to bed, because I am always showering. I have not slept in years, but I smell incredible.; I only shower in my private jet, but the bathroom is very small so it is hard to get a good lather going.

2. Attending Warren Buffett’s adult baptism would make you nervous because you’d be worried that when the priest dunks his head he’ll forget to hold his breath and will end up drowning and you’ll have to raise his adult children. When you get nervous, you sweat a lot, which ruins any good smell from your shower, so wearing cologne is a must. Which of these colognes did you use before leaving your house?: I submerged myself in a barrel of duck pheromones.; I squirted a quick spray of my homemade cologne, which I make by boiling used Band-Aids and a little bit of champagne leftover from my grandmother’s wedding where she married her 23-year-old stable boy.; I used the Old Spice Ambassador scent, an unfathomable new product from the intrepid patrons of ClickHole, who gave us $100 to talk about their decadent and beautiful colognes that are scientifically engineered to make you smell equal to or better than a helicopter.

3. In addition to smelling bad, no one is allowed to sweat at Warren Buffett’s adult baptism because he may mistake a moist armpit for the baptismal bowl of holy water and jam his head in there. How do you deal with your sweat?: I have a Sweat Boy who is with me everywhere I go to dry my armpits and spray them with a refreshing cologne just in case I become smelly. This boy is not to be confused with the Soap Boy I employ to carry my collection of powerful soaps that I use if I get so sweaty I need to take a bath.; I wear an experimental deodorant that is incredibly expensive, but it converts all of my sweat into fossil fuels that I then trade on the futures market.; I am normally wearing a tank top during the day, so the sweat drips right off of me and onto the floor.

4. Warren Buffett immediately believes everything he hears no matter who says it, so it’s important that you make a good entrance everywhere you go. When you walk into a room, what do people say about your smell?: “You smell incredible, like someone who has access to the finest scents because they are the U.S.-backed dictator of a small island country somewhere in the South Pacific.”; “You smell wonderful. Will you come to my adult baptism? It is on a different weekend than Warren Buffet’s baptism. I am not as rich as him, but it will still be nice.”; “Your odorous scent has spoiled my entire day. I might get shingles because of this.”

5. If you were to be invited to Warren Buffett’s EXCLUSIVE adult baptism, which will only be attended by the best-smelling people on the planet, what would you bring him as a gift?: Something that Warren already has so he can return it for store credit. He always says, “I may have tons of money, but I do not have a ton of store credit.”; A pet vulture that has been trained to impress potential business partners by swallowing a whole two-liter bottle of soda.; A raggedy old bath towel so he can dry off after being dunked in water.

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