“FUCK ME UNTIL I CAN’T READ, YOU SPOOKY FOUR-EYED ROMEO!”

“THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU EXCEL AT, R.L. STINE: SEX AND GOOSEBUMPS!”

“HEY, ARE YOU THE GUY WHO WROTE GOOSEBUMPS? COOL, NOW LET’S GET BACK TO HAVING GREAT SEX!”

“HOLY SHIT, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GIVING R.L. STINE HPV!”

“YOU TAUGHT ME TO LOVE READING, AND NOW YOU’VE TAUGHT ME TO LOVE DOCKING!”

“THIS IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE DISAPPOINTMENT THAT LOUIS SACHAR SAID IT WOULD BE!”

“IF THEY GAVE OUT CORETTA SCOTT KING AWARDS FOR SEX, YOU’D WIN ONE FOR THE SEX WE’RE HAVING RIGHT NOW!”

“MUY BIEN, SEÑOR STINE, BUT WHY DON’T YOU HAVE NIPPLES?”

“GODDAMN, R.L. STINE, YOU SURE CAN FUCK!”

“PLEASE CONTINUE WHISPERING ‘I’M GONNA BASE A GOOSEBUMPS BOOK ON THAT PUNANI’ INTO MY EAR!”

“WOW, SOFT HANDS FOR SOME OLD MAN!”

“SCARIER, R.L.! KISS ME SCARIER!”

“AWESOME!”

“BRO, YOU ARE SUCCESSFULLY FUCKING MY READING COMPREHENSION DOWN TO A THIRD-GRADE LEVEL!”

“STEPHEN KING IS A BETTER WRITER THAN YOU BUT FAR LESS SEXUALLY COMPETENT, I’D BET!”

“THIS SEX IS AS PLEASURABLE AS YOUR BOOKS WERE SCARY TO ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD!”

“DAS IST VERBOTEN, HERR STINE... OH! ABER ICH LIEBE DICH!”

“WHEN I SAW THE TV ADAPTATION OF GOOSEBUMPS, I THOUGHT, ‘THERE IS SIMPLY NO WAY THE AUTHOR OF THE SOURCE MATERIAL IS GOOD AT SEX.’ BUT NOW KNOW I WAS WRONG! VERY, VERY WRONG!”

“LOUIS SACHAR SAID YOU’D USE WAY TOO MUCH HOT WAX, BUT I THINK YOU’RE USING THE PERFECT AMOUNT!”

“YOUR ARTISTIC CREDIBILITY PALES IN COMPARISON TO YOUR 100% VERTICAL PENIS!”

“REALLY ENJOYING THIS SEX RIGHT NOW, R.L.”

“IF I WASN’T 117 YEARS OLD, I’D LOVE FOR THIS SEX TO GET ME PREGNANT WITH AN R.L. STINE BABY!”

“DOES R.L. STAND FOR ‘RAWDOG LOTHARIO’? IT WOULD MAKE SENSE TO ME IF THOSE INITIALS STOOD FOR THAT!”

“WEEEEE!”

“BOTH MY PARENTS DIED WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND I DIDN’T HAVE MANY FRIENDS GROWING UP, BUT YOUR BOOKS MADE ME FEEL LESS ALONE IN THE WORLD—IN FACT, THEY INSPIRED ME TO PURSUE WRITING MYSELF, AND WHILE I WISH I COULD GO TO SCHOOL FOR IT, I CAN’T AFFORD TO BECAUSE ALL THE MONEY I MAKE AT MY CUSTODIAL JOB GOES INTO TAKING CARE OF MY GRANDMOTHER, WHO IS VERY ILL RIGHT NOW! SHE RAISED ME AND I LOVE HER AND I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON HER, BUT THE DAY SHE GETS BETTER I’M GOING TO APPLY TO THE IOWA WRITERS’ WORKSHOP. THIS IS MY DREAM, AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR BOOKS, SO THANK YOU FOR INSPIRING ME TO—OH! YES! KEEP DOING THAT WITH YOUR TONGUE, JUST LIKE THAT!”

“LOVE THEM BALLS, STINE!”

“NOTHING GETS ME HOTTER THAN WHEN YOU FAN MY BARE GOOCH WITH A TATTERED COPY OF SAY CHEESE AND DIE!”

“ADULT FILM ACTOR JOHN HOLMES WOULD’VE PLAYED YOU IN THE 2015 GOOSEBUMPS FILM IF HE’D BEEN ALIVE, AND IT WOULD’VE BEEN PERFECT CASTING!”

“MAY I WEAR YOUR GLASSES AS YOU GIVE ME A HICKEY IN THE SHAPE OF YOUR AUTOGRAPH?”

“LOUIS SACHAR IMPLIED THAT YOU WOULD LAY THERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES, BUT THE REALITY IS THAT WE’VE MADE LOVE ON TOP OF EVERY SURFACE INSIDE THIS SHED! JUST TREMENDOUS SEXUAL CREATIVITY, R.L.!”

“I MEAN THIS AS A COMPLIMENT, BUT YOU HAVE SEX LIKE YOU’VE NEVER WRITTEN A CHILDREN’S BOOK BEFORE!”

“YOUR BOOKS ONCE GAVE ME TRAUMATIC NIGHTMARES, AND THIS PROSTATE MASSAGE MORE THAN MAKES UP FOR IT!”

“THE ONLY OTHER TIME I’VE QUIVERED THIS MUCH WAS WHEN I READ GOOSEBUMPS—AND THAT WAS WITH FEAR! THIS QUIVERING, HOWEVER, IS OF SEXUAL SATISFACTION!”

“OH, R.L., DO THAT THING WHERE YOU TILT YOUR GLASSES DOWN, GRUNT, AND PAW AT THE GROUND LIKE A BULL BEFORE CHARGING INTO THE BED TO WRITE A KID’S BOOK ON MY ASS WITH A SHARPIE MARKER!”

“PLEASE SIGN MY GOOSEBUMPS-THEMED DENTAL DAM!”

“YOU’VE SOLD OVER 400 MILLION BOOKS ACROSS THE WORLD, YET YOUR MOST IMPRESSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT WAS YOUR STRATEGIC USE OF THE SHOWERHEAD DURING FOREPLAY!”

“ROBERT LAWRENCE STINE, YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR MAKING LOVE TO ME THIS WELL!”

“[Pig squeal]”

“THANK YOU, MR. STINE!”