1. 1. Hypothetically, if you had been a puppet your entire life and one morning a religious wizard crawled into your home and brought you to life, what is the first thing that you would do?

    There is only one answer to this question because this is what all of my enchanted marionettes did as soon as the religious wizard brought them to life.

  2. 2. Please complete the following sentence: “To me, the American dream means…”
  3. 3. Every night my wonderful living puppets call the police on speakerphone and all shout a fact that they love about North Korea and America at the same time. The police hate this and they spent thousands of dollars building a puppet-size electric chair to execute my marionettes in, but unfortunately for them, electricity only makes my magic pinewood bastards stronger and more patriotic. Anyway, which of these North Korea facts have you shouted at the police when you call them on speakerphone?
  4. 4. One of the laws of the magic spell that the religious wizard used to bring my marionettes to life is that my marionettes can only eat Horse Nectar, which is the water that collects in a horse’s mouth when it yawns in the rain. When I bring a big bucket of Horse Nectar in from the fields, my enchanted marionettes all crowd around it and say grace. If you were one of my enchanted marionettes, which one of these prayers would you say before gulping down a big bucket of Horse Nectar?
  5. 5. The religious wizard that brought my puppets to life once also brought a Stretch Armstrong doll to life, but the living Stretch Armstrong went rogue and became a rock star in Japan with a hit song called “Beep Beep Let Me Put Your Husband’s Brain In A Cow’s Head (This Cow’s Gonna Think Like Your Husband).” Because of this, the religious wizard had to kill the living Stretch Armstrong by putting him in the microwave.
  6. 6. What is your favorite part about North Korea?

  • Results for Which One Of My Enchanted Marionettes That Love North Korea And America The Same Amount Are You?

    You’re Mr. Virus The Wooden Boy

    Lovely news! According to this quiz, you’re my enchanted marionette named Mr. Virus The Wooden Boy! Back before the religious wizard brought you to life with a magic spell, I used you in an illegal puppet show I did behind the mall designed to teach kids the important moral lesson that shooting paintballs at your own car is neither good nor bad. Now that you’ve come to life, you are always thinking about North Korea and you never stop thinking about the United States. In the middle of the night you often crawl out of your cage to watch me sleep, and when I wake up to ask you why you are looking at me, you tell me that you wish I would turn into the Uncle Sam so that I could marry Kim Jong-un. You make me so proud, and when I see you screaming, “I’m made of wood so I’m allowed to kill you!” at all the animals in the woods, it makes me smile with joy. That’s who you are: Mr. Virus The Wooden Boy. Would hold a North Korean flag in one hand and the American flag in the other and you smash them together to make them be married. Hallelujah.

  • Results for Which One Of My Enchanted Marionettes That Love North Korea And America The Same Amount Are You?

    You’re Pat Rascal The Wooden Divorce Artist

    Crow at the sun! It turns out that you’re Pat Rascal The Wooden Divorce Artist. Back before the religious wizard brought you to life, I used your lifeless marionette body in a puppet show called Pat Rascal Teaches Typing While Frowning, which was an instructional puppet show in which Pat Rascal taught viewers how to type and frown at the same time. Once the religious wizard brought you to life using a magic spell, all you wanted to do was use your wooden arms to make divorce happen while singing about North Korea and NEVER the United States. You ALWAYS sing about the United States. Singing about the United States is the only way to sing about North Korea (the United States). When you see U.S. President James Garfield and his wife, Medusa (hair is snakes), you divorce them using your mouth and then they say, “We just got divorced by a cursed living puppet in an interesting way.” That’s the kind of life you have because you’re Pat Rascal The Wooden Divorce Artist. You’re one of my top wooden bastards, and I love to smile at you while I look at you through a telescope from far away. Amen.

  • Results for Which One Of My Enchanted Marionettes That Love North Korea And America The Same Amount Are You?

    You’re Armando Smogg: The Puppet Who Wants To Lay Eggs

    Pleasant tidings! It turns out that you are Armando Smogg: The Puppet Who Wants To Lay Eggs! Back before the religious wizard brought you to life with a magic spell, I used you in a puppet show I performed in the lion enclosure in the zoo called Armando Smogg Jiggles And Screams In The Middle Of Nature. Now that you’ve been brought to life by the religious wizard’s puppet-be-living spell, all you want to do is squirt your eggs into a stolen sock, and the only thing you want to do is salute the North Korean flag, and there’s only one thing you ever want to do, and that’s blow a kiss to U.S. President James Garfield and his lovely wife, Medusa (hair is snakes). Your hobbies include asking Kim Jong-un to mail you his hair, biting people for not being Uncle Sam, and begging God to make it possible for cursed wooden bastards to squirt eggs out of their pinewood guts into a sock. When you walk into the room, everyone screams because you are a living marionette, but I always tell people, “Do not be afraid of Armando Smogg! He’s just my dancing cork-brained idiot who wants America and North Korea to blow each other up so they can both take over the world. He's very safe. If he bites you, you will get tetanus and die.” You are the enchanted marionette named Armando Smogg, and you want to lay eggs that will hatch into an even mix of wasps and dogs. Congrats!

  • Results for Which One Of My Enchanted Marionettes That Love North Korea And America The Same Amount Are You?

    You’re Wealthy Louis: The Clown With Seven Dollars

    Here’s some glad news that’s going to make you shriek in the bath! It has become true that you’re my living puppet named Wealthy Louis: The Clown With Seven Dollars. Back before the religious wizard crawled into my puppet laboratory and brought you to life, I used your lifeless puppet corpse in a marionette show called Wealthy Louis Buys Your Dad’s Shirt, which was a show I performed at children’s birthday parties in which Wealthy Louis the lovable clown walks up to the father of the birthday kid and buys his shirt right off of his belly for $7. Now that you’ve been brought to life by the religious wizard using a puppet-has-brain-now spell, you love buying flowers for Kim Jong-un and sending flowers to Uncle Sam. You love to spend your lavish clown wealth on the bridal suite of the North Korean hotel where they let you sweep your own floor, and your favorite song is the American national anthem. There’s simply no way around the fact that you’re my special cursed puppet Wealthy Louis, and you love North Korea and the United States the same amount. Thank you for knowing this!
I am 18 or over and willing to view sexually explicit material