Which One Of The Kids Who I Sell Samurai Swords T...

1. First of all, each one of the neighborhood kids who buy samurai swords from me call me by some inaccurate version of my name that’s not what my name actually is. Which messed-up version of my name do you refer to me as?: Mr. President; The Big Fog; The Sword Bitch; I refuse to call you anything but Junior, because I am far more skilled than you with the sword.

2. The kids who buy swords from me also send me text messages all the time, and it makes me wish I never became a sword salesman. It turns my life into an endless hassle where I’m always receiving texts from the kids who want to buy my ancient Japanese weapons. Which one of these texts would you most likely send me when you want to come over and buy a samurai sword?: I would mostly likely text you, “I’m coming over to buy lawn medicine from you,” because I think if I refer to the swords as “lawn medicine,” then the police will not be suspicious if they intercept my text. However, I would then immediately follow up this text with a message that says, “The lawn medicine is swords,” which completely defeats the purpose of the original text, so who the hell knows what I’m trying to accomplish.; I would most likely text you every single emoji that’s available.; I would most likely text you, “WHERE ARE THE SWORDS?! I NEED THE SWORDS! GIVE THEM (THE SWORDS) TO ME NOW!”; I would break our long one-sided text conversation in which I repeatedly ask you what puberty is to command you to meet me behind my house to sell me a samurai sword.

3. The kids in the neighborhood who buy samurai swords from me all like to pay in a bunch of different ways, and none of those ways is money, which is my preferred method of payment. What fucked-up way would you pay me for the samurai swords?: I would pay you in Mrs. Morrissey bucks, which are pretty useful in Mrs. Morrissey’s class.; I would color in an entire checkbook with a crayon and give the whole thing to you.; I would stop screaming as loud as I can directly into your ear and then whisper, “I have paid you with my silence.”; I would turn a burlap sack upside down, and four severed wolf heads would fall out.

4. The kids I sell samurai swords to like to play with the swords after I sell them. How would you play with your samurai sword on the street?: I would make a robot outfit out of cardboard boxes, then go to school while waving my samurai swords around wildly while yelling at my teachers that I am a cyborg named Danger-Bot: The Robot That Accidentally Kills People.; I would mail pictures of me holding the sword to all the girls I think are cute. It’s a known fact that girls LOVE boys who hold swords.; I would wildly swing the sword at your face, because I have no regard for human life whatsoever.; I would show you how adept I am in the ways of the sword by slicing off the tips of your bangs, but not nicking your skin. Then I’d knock you to the ground, until suddenly I have the samurai sword at your throat. I would press the blade gently to your neck until it slightly draws blood, and I’d refuse to take it away unless you tell me why my voice has been getting deeper and why I’ve been growing facial hair.

5. What would you say is the best part about having a samurai sword?: I’m now able to win every game of kickball at recess if I pull my sword out and demand that my team won.; Samurai swords are a major babe magnet.; I can now force my parents to give me even more money than usual.; Being able to kill so easily while also using it to threaten people for information, like asking them what “pubes” are and why my friends at school won’t stop talking about them.

6. What would you say is the worst part about having a samurai sword?: When some copycat at school mimics you with a butter knife and thinks he’s just as cool as you even though his sword sucks and would never be used by the ancient order of the samurai.; When girls laugh and laugh at the pictures you took of yourself holding your sword and who then say that they don’t want to go on a date with you because you’re a weirdo who owns a sword.; Needing to put loud alarms on your swords so your parents can’t take them from you when you’re sleeping.; When teachers take your samurai sword away after you use it to threaten the people who made fun of your voice cracking.

7. As soon as one of these kids buys a samurai sword from me they usually go off and try to fight one of their enemies with it. Which one of these would you feel most compelled to try to fight with your samurai sword?

8. Which of these headlines would run in the local newspaper the day after I sold samurai swords to you?: “Local Child Breaks Into Numerous Houses To Destroy Schoolmates’ Lego Cities With Samurai Sword”; “Local Child Asks Girl To School Dance By Chasing Her With Sword”; “Girl Arrested For Throwing Samurai Sword Straight Through Greenhouse”; “Masked Samurai-Wielding Vigilante Steals Every ‘Playboy’ From Yet Another Local Gas Station”

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