What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re N...

1. Seriously, would you just look at all of these goddamn shrimp that you’ve worked so hard on? The pools are packed! Bursting at the seams! And yet, you’re doing jackshit with ’em. So what the hell was the point of it all if you’re not going to let anyone eat them?

Get off my ass, man. I’m sitting on a goldmine here, and I need to take things slowly in order to maximize the revenue potential. I’m not gonna blow my load this early by letting a bunch of shitheads eat all my shrimps.

Listen, dipshit, it’s clear to anyone with eyes that the shrimp aren’t done growing. They’re just not done, and they won’t be done till they’re fat as my bicep and twice as veiny. So back off.

Why the hell would I want to get rid of any of my shrimp? Everybody knows me as the Shrimp Guy, and if I get rid of my shrimp, then I lose my identity. I’d rather just let the shrimp keep growing and savor my notoriety. And who knows, maybe one day the shrimp will get big enough that the local news will come do a segment on me. I’m playing the long game, you see.

Honestly, I’d rather not talk about it.
2. C’mon, what the hell, man? Can’t you at least share some shrimp with me? I’m out here drooling at the sight of all these delicious little fuckers, and I need you to hook a brother up. Can’t I just get one goddamn shrimp?

Not a chance, bucko. These shrimps are my retirement plan. We’re talking limitless monetary potential here. For instance, if I grow ’em big enough, I bet I could sell ’em as therapy pets to nursing homes for 60 bucks a pop, easy.

Giving you a single one of my shrimp before they’ve reached their peak size would be insulting to both the shrimps and to the grand designer Himself, so stop asking.

That’s a slippery slope, pal. If I gave you one shrimp, then I’d have to give each of the neighbors one shrimp, and once word got out about that, then I’d have to give everyone in the whole damn town a shrimp. It’s a poisonous chain of events that would soon leave me with empty pools of filthy water, and I need these pools jam-packed for when 6ABC comes and does a segment on me.

Please, I’d really rather not talk about my shrimp.
3. Goddamn, this whole operation must be costing you a fortune to keep up. How much are you paying a month to keep this thing going?

Not that it’s any of your goddamn business, but yes, it is extraordinarily expensive to keep this place afloat. But it’s gonna all be worth it once I start tapping into the shrimps’ revenue potential. For all we know, the little fuckers got tasty, nutritious milk inside ’em. I could harvest the shrimp milk and sell it to Whole Foods for a hundred bucks an ounce—yuppies would lap that shit up.

Oh, I’m sorry, how much did it cost to build the Statue of Liberty? How much did it cost to make the Grand Canyon? The answer is that no one fuckin’ knows and no one cares. You can’t put a price on making huge things, and these shrimp are going to look like huge, translucent golf bags by the time I’m done.

Look, yes, it’s expensive, but that’s just the price of fame. Maybe no one’s clamoring to get a glimpse of my massively swollen shrimp just yet, but once 6ABC does a segment on me, people will be showing up here by the thousands. And I will be goddamn famous, too. They’ll put me on Dancing With The Stars and Stump The Schwab—all the hottest shows. You just wait and watch.

I really, really don’t want to get into it right now.
4. For chrissakes, the pools are overflowing! The shrimp are falling out onto the pavement and dying in heaps because of your idiotic refusal to do anything with them. You’re just grooming them up to die. What in the goddamn fuck?

What are you, the shrimp police? Fuck off. If some shrimps die while I’m still figuring out how to maximize their profit potential, then so be it. I’m looking toward the future. I’m gonna train these mondo bastards to perform various basic tasks, and then I’m gonna lease ’em out for labor. Honestly, it’s within the realm of possibility that my shrimps will one day replace you at your job. So don’t test me, bitch.

What part of “I want these shrimp to get huge as hell” don’t you understand, exactly? Yes, some of the shrimp are dying, but the rest of ’em are getting fatter and fatter by the day. I want these shrimp to grow so goddamn fat that they need a mobility scooter to get around, and I’m not gonna let anything stop me from achieving that goal.

Every good local news story has a sad part in it that ultimately makes the triumphant ending all the more satisfying. When 6ABC does their story on me, the piles of dead shrimp will be the sad part that sets you up for the glorious final shot of all the still-living shrimp wriggling happily in the pools. It’s all about creating that emotional roller-coaster, you see.

It’s really not cool of you to keep asking me about this.
5. So are you going to eat the shrimp? Are you hoarding the shrimp for yourself to eat at a later date? Can you help me understand what in the goddamn hell this is all about and why you refuse to let me eat any of these tasty little monsters?

Naw.

I’m asking you as a friend to just drop it, okay? I’m cool to talk about literally anything else, but just not my shrimp.
6. Your company logo is a goddamn cartoon shrimp in a bib holding a fork and knife, looking like it’s about to eat an identical shrimp on a plate in front of it. What the fuck is that about if you’re not even letting anybody eat any of the shrimp? Don’t you see how that’s misleading?

It’s called branding, dipshit, and it’s a thing you gotta do if you ever want to turn your shrimp farm into a multi-billion-dollar company.

What are you talking about? The logo makes perfect sense! The cartoon shrimp is wearing a bib because it’s a BABY shrimp, as all my shrimp are currently tiny little babies. And once they become the big honking grown-up shrimp that I want them to be, I’ll update the logo so that the cartoon shrimp is wearing something more suitable for an adult, such as a peacoat or a ball gown.

I intentionally made the logo confusing because it’s always the confusing logos that become iconic. Like, what the hell’s the Nike swoosh supposed to be? Some kind of sled or something? It’s confusing as hell, and that’s exactly why it became so famous. So you see, once my shrimp logo gets a little airtime on 6ABC, my brand is gonna explode.

Okay, fine. You wanna know why I won’t let anyone eat any of my shrimp? It’s because I ate one once and it didn’t go so hot. It was pretty traumatizing, to be honest.
7. What’s it going to take for you to let us neighbors come by and eat some of your shrimp? We drive past every day and see your shrimp—each huge and plump like a red, swollen cartoon thumb after getting hit with a hammer—and it really whets our appetites. So just tell me, what’s it going to take for you to sell us some of your goddamn shrimp?

No one’s touching any of my shrimp for the foreseeable future. They’re just too valuable. Their shells alone could probably get me a good $20 a piece if I just fashion them into iPhone cases and sell them at a mall kiosk. These shrimps are my meal ticket, and I don’t want you anywhere near them.

If you think they’re plump now, just wait until I’m through with them. Imagine the worst, wettest thing from your nightmares. Now imagine it’s got some fucked up tentacles and some sharp hair on its lip part, like whiskers maybe. Now imagine it’s the size of a loveseat. When my shrimp look like that, maybe I’ll be more open to selling them. But definitely not a moment sooner.

Sorry, but these shrimp are gonna make me famous, and there’s no way I’m letting go of any of them. It’s only a matter of time before 6ABC does a story about me and my shrimp farm that touches the lives of millions, and until that happens, there’s zero chance I will part with my shrimp.

Trust me: You don’t want to eat any of these shrimp. All it took was one bite and my life was ruined. Please promise to never ask me about this again.

Results for What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re Not Going To Let Anybody Eat Them?

Your Eagerness To Create Multiple Revenue Streams Will Be Your Downfall
You seem pretty positive that there’s a ton of extra money to be made from your shrimp in addition to the selling them as food, which is really off base. It should be clear to you by now that you’re not going to get any additional cash from these shrimp, but it seems like something you’re going to have to learn the hard way.

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Results for What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re Not Going To Let Anybody Eat Them?

You Just Can’t Stand The Fact That Shrimp Are Small By Nature
You’re really dialing in on this idea that your shrimp are somehow still growing, which is patently untrue. They’re shrimp, and shrimp are small. That’s just the way it is. And until you come to terms with that, you’ll be letting a perfectly good shrimp farm go right down the tubes, you stubborn, dumb asshole.

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Results for What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re Not Going To Let Anybody Eat Them?

Your Insatiable Quest For Fame Will Be Your Downfall
It’s pretty clear that you got into shrimping for one reason and one reason only: to make it onto the local news and then be catapulted into a life of fame and fortune. There’s really no use in trying to explain how unlikely all that is, either, because you seem pretty confident about how it’s all going to go down—doesn’t seem like you’re interested in anyone else’s opinion. Meanwhile you’re sitting on an entire farm of perfectly fine shrimp, letting it all go to waste. Unbelievable.

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Results for What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re Not Going To Let Anybody Eat Them?

Your Shrimp Have Traumatized You In A Deeply Profound Way, And You Don’t Want Anyone Else To Have To Experience Your Pain
Sounds like your shrimp have made your life a living hell. That’s awful to hear. Sorry.

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Results for What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re Not Going To Let Anybody Eat Them?

Your Eagerness To Create Multiple Revenue Streams Will Be Your Downfall

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Results for What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re Not Going To Let Anybody Eat Them?

You Just Can’t Stand The Fact That Shrimp Are Small By Nature

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Results for What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re Not Going To Let Anybody Eat Them?

Your Insatiable Quest For Fame Will Be Your Downfall

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Results for What Good Is Your Goddamn Shrimp Farm If You’re Not Going To Let Anybody Eat Them?

Your Shrimp Have Traumatized You In A Deeply Profound Way, And You Don’t Want Anyone Else To Have To Experience Your Pain

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