You Ever Hear About King Kong? That Big Monkey? P...

1. So, yeah, this big monkey, they call him King Kong, and he’s the size of a goddamn school bus. You ever hear about him?: Yeah, I seen him on TV or maybe the computer.; Yes, I know about him already.; No, I ain’t ever heard of that monkey.; That’s the biggest crock of shit I ever heard. Monkeys don’t grow that big.

2. He must be the biggest monkey I ever seen.: Yep, he sure is big.; About the size of a goddamn school bus, I’d say.; Wow, I ain’t ever seen him, but I’d sure like to.; Not near as big as this fib you’re tellin’ me. Monkeys only get about as big as a propane grill, and that’s on the bigger end.

3. I seen this one picture where he was in New York City, just hoppin’ around on the buildings like they was trees.: Yeah, I seen that picture too. I bet the people in those buildings sure got a kick out of it.; I think I know that picture. The one where he’s waving his arms around at an airplane in his funny monkey way?; Boy, that really sounds like something. I’m imagining it now in my head.; Bullshit. You really think that after what Osama bin Laden did to us on 9/11 that they’d just let a big monster swing around on all them skyscrapers? My cousin Tim’s got a buddy who flies F-22s for top-secret Air Force missions, and he says they got motion-detecting missiles hidden under the sidewalks now that’d obliterate that ape within .5 seconds of him entering the airspace.

4. Okay, here’s that picture I was talkin’ about. Had my niece look it up on the computer. Sends a chill up your spine, don’t it?: Boy, that really is something. What I would give to see a monkey like that in person!; What a beautiful specimen. Just a gorgeous ape. And a big one, too.; Holy smokes, you were right! That is one big monkey—even bigger than I imagined in my head.; You lyin’ snake! That picture’s a fake and you know it. You probably just stole it from a Halloween picture website.

5. You gotta wonder how he got all the way to New York City from the jungle.: Well, the jungle’s in Africa, so he probably would’ve had to cross the ocean. I’m guessin’ he took a boat.; I hear they got all kinds of crazy animals livin’ in New York’s sewers. Gators, anacondas, mountain lions—wouldn’t be surprised if there was monkeys, too. The animals get huge and fat from all the rats they feast on down there and the sewage chemicals.; Wow, yeah, I wonder…hmm. Got me stumped, friend!; See, this is how I know the picture’s a fake: Monkeys don’t migrate to cities from the jungle. Sometimes they migrate to the desert to escape monsoons, but never cities.

6. And how you think he got so goddamn big? Vitamins?: Could be vitamins, yessir.; Like I said before, I think it’s from all the rats and chemicals in the sewer.; Well, I seen this YouTube video once about how all the medicine companies like Tylenol and such do science tests on monkeys to see if their medicines work, and sometimes the monkeys become barren or experience some other mutations. Maybe this is one of those monkeys that got mutated from medicine tests.; I won’t entertain such a foolish question because the monkey ain’t real.

7. I get the sense he’s a kind monkey, but I do believe he’s dangerous. When you’re that big, you can be the kindest fella in the world and still be dangerous, because there’s always that risk of you accidentally crushing someone.: Yes, I’m afraid that’s the sad reality of things.; I don’t know, he don’t seem too dangerous to me. Just don’t let your kids near where he’s steppin’ and he won’t do no harm.; Yes, monkeys can be very dangerous. In the YouTube video I seen, there was this one monkey they pumped full of pregnancy hormones, and it went crazy and ripped a lady scientist’s arm off.; Enough! Stop talking to me about this sham monkey of yours or I will hit you. I have no more patience for this.

8. He’s a hairy bastard, too, that King Kong.: Ain’t that the truth.; Boy, isn’t he? Hairy as they come.; I didn’t notice that the first time I looked at the picture, but now that I’m looking at it again, I can certainly see how you’d arrive at that conclusion, what with all his hair and such.; Okay, you asked for it. I am going to take off my glasses and put them safely aside, and then I am coming to kick your ass.

9. My niece just found me another picture of King Kong, and in this one he’s holding a human woman off the side of a skyscraper. I find this very troubling. Very, very troubling. It is likely that this woman died.: I’m afraid you’re right. If the monkey didn’t accidentally snap her like a toothpick, then he probably dropped her to her death. Or I suppose he could’ve eaten her. In any case, a terrible way to go.; Awful. Just awful.; Lord, please bring peace to this woman’s family as they grieve her death, and give them the strength to move forward. Comfort them, Lord, with the knowledge that her suffering is now over, as she is enjoying eternal glory in the Kingdom of Heaven, where there is no pain or sorrow, and where she is finally safe from the big ape that scared her so much when she was alive. I ask this all in your holy and precious name. Amen.; Okay, I have removed my glasses and am coming to kick your ass.

10. Still, a hell of a monkey.: Hell of a monkey, indeed.; Yessir, he is. One of the biggest monkeys I ever seen.; He is certainly an impressive animal, but I pray he is no longer on the loose. Big monkey like that belongs back in the jungle or trapped in the center of some kind of huge maze or something.; Where are you, coward? You think you can lie about some fool monkey and then run away from me like it was nothing? Show yourself so that I can kick your ass!

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