Can You Turn The Tables And Recruit The Jehovah’s... | ClickHole

1. The moment you open the door, the Jehovah’s Witness will be sporting an ear-to-ear grin, and he’ll definitely ask you if you’ve “heard the good news,” which is a pretty standard opening for these guys. Which of these ways would you turn the tables and start whetting his appetite for the awesome HBO porn you and your buds are watching inside?

I would say, “I just heard Kyle announce that he is going to put more chips into the microwave before we start Big Virgins Near The Woods IV, so yes, I have heard the good news.”

I would pull up some HBO Go porn on my phone, put the volume all the way up, and keep the phone in my pocket, so the alluring sounds of the mild sex leave him wanting more.

Before I do anything to counter, I’d like to hear the good news he’s talking about, just to keep an open mind and be polite.

I would stand 8 feet into the foyer with the door open so I could listen to the guy’s rambling about the good news, but still mostly hear my buds’ badass porn commentary about how it seems like every strong man in the early 2000s had exactly one earring.
2. The Jehovah’s Witness trying to recruit you is going to lean heavily on the Bible, referencing it pretty often in an attempt to get you on board. Which of these ways would you counter his source material with your own source material?

I’d tell him the parable of Katie Knoxx, the co-ed who was ready to do anything and everything to get a passing grade in her anatomy class, and through the grace of God and stiff, almost robotic-looking sex on screen, she is successful in her quest.

I’d tell him the story of a mere pizza delivery guy, a modern-day David, who destroys the Goliath that is a sorority house’s boredom when the big frat party is called off. His slingshot, obviously, is his penis, which of course is never shown on TV because HBO porn does not believe in genitals.

Before I get into any of my own tales, I’d snidely ask him how exactly his “book” could know anything about God, unless of course its author was somehow “divinely inspired by Him,” or something wonderful and miraculous like that.

I’d tell him that I don’t have time to listen to his stories because I called fives on my seat and I’m really up against the clock, and I’ll be damned if I have to watch porno in a chair from the kitchen because Brent took my seat on the armrest of the couch.
3. At one point or another, the Jehovah’s Witness is going to describe the miracles that become possible once you give your life completely over to God, which usually makes for one of his more compelling pitches. Which of these ways would you counter his strategy by making HBO porn with your pals sound even more amazing?

I’d tell him how sometimes, we show Jake a picture of a huge bicep with a faded, barbed-wire tattoo on it, and his encyclopedic mind instantly knows which porn actor it belongs to, which is pretty incredible and could count as a miracle depending on how you define the word.

I’d explain that if he really wants to experience miraculous bliss, it doesn’t get better than when we “go acoustic,” which is when we mute the softcore porno for a minute or two and just listen to all our buds just breathing and eating in a moment of perfect erotic serenity.

I’d tell him that going halfsies on an order of wings with one of my buds while watching Real Sex is great but, full disclosure, I wouldn’t call it a miracle like the badass ones he’s talking about.

I’d tell him that there’s an ineffable, divine magic about hanging with the gang, ordering a few pies and colas, and watching a porno without talking to each other that he wouldn’t understand. It’s a special way of communing with God that he is incapable of experiencing.
4. The Jehovah’s Witness is sure to describe the church community as a vibrant social club, too, making the experience sound like a great way to not only get closer to God, but also to meet new people. Which of these ways would you make your porno hang session sound hands-down better?

I’d tell him that if he’s looking to network, Jake’s dad is the owner of Faulkner Mazda on the boulevard, and that there’s no better way to make a professional connection than pausing the porno during bathroom breaks and writing a message on Jake’s dad’s Facebook wall.

I’d tell him that once a month we have a more formal gathering where we watch porno under “business conditions,” which is when everybody puts on a button-up shirt and a tie before coming over to watch the HBO softcore. We also put a blue lightbulb in one of the lamps to lend the den a classy atmosphere.

I’d ask a few follow-up questions about his so-called “brethren,” like whether or not they were so welcoming that they’d actually accept me into their family of worshippers despite my many sins or whatever.

I’d just tell him straight up at this point, “I don’t have time for this. Please get inside and watch pornography with my friends because we could use one more guy.”
5. Just a heads-up, it’s not a given that the Jehovah’s Witness will know what porn is, considering his disciplined upbringing. So just to cover your bases and give him a taste of what’s in store, how would you describe porn to him?

I’d tell him to imagine his favorite steroids-era MLB player having sex with a woman who is wearing nothing but a lab coat and a bra, and that’s about a tenth of what he’s about to see once he comes inside.

I’d tell him to picture two people with no genitals making very aggressively loud moaning noises to indicate that they love pretending to have sex with each other, and then when they’re done pretending to have sex with each other they put on their clothes even though they have no genitals so why bother, and then they go off and either solve a murder or get injected with an experimental sex serum that makes them so horny they go insane. The feeling of getting together with your crew to look at these two genital-free androgynes have sex and then either solve crime or go insane is essentially what porno is all about.

I’d tell him that porn is when anywhere between one and six people are on TV with the sole purpose of getting their gunk absolutely everywhere.

I’d level with him by lowering my voice to a whisper, leaning in, and saying, “Porn is what it’s all about.” He should know what I mean, and I refuse to elaborate.
6. No matter how you went on that last one, it’s still possible that the Jehovah’s Witness won’t quite get it because the terminology isn’t in his wheelhouse. With his religious background in mind, how would you explain watching HBO porn with you and your crew in a way he’d understand?

I’d tell him that watching HBO porn with your friends is similar to watching an adult baptism, in that you’re sitting quietly with some people you know and watching something happen.

I’d say that HBO porn is like a church dance where two people from the early 2000s fake having sex while desperately trying to hide their genitals from any cameras.

I’d name-drop Prince, Serena Williams, and Dwight D. Eisenhower and explain how these are three famous Jehovah’s Witnesses who surely knew about HBO’s top-notch late-night programming and wanted desperately to watch it, but unfortunately could not afford a subscription.

I’d just come out and say it: “You need to stop playing coy and get inside to watch HBO porn with my pals right now. They’re waiting for you.”
7. The Jehovah’s Witness is going to try to use scare tactics at some point by saying that if you don’t join the church, you’ll be damned to an eternity in Hell, which is a classic and effective technique. Which of these things would you say to make missing out on watching HBO porn with the crew sound even worse than Hell?

“Once I was running late to watch HBO porn with my friends because I was sitting in traffic, and I was so worried that they’d get in a good riff session about the porn’s music before I got there that I punched my car radio until it broke.”

“We used to have a bud, Tom, who hung out with us sometimes until everyone got fed up that he never brought any food over when he came by to watch HBO softcore with the crew, so we kind of stopped inviting him over. Tom was in a car accident recently, and I believe it wouldn’t have happened if he had been at home watching porn with his friends instead of driving his car.”

“Hell sounds much worse than a day without porn. Please tell me what to do to avoid it.”

“Plain and simple: You’re going to feel like shit if you don’t get in at least an hour of watching porn with your buds every single day. Trust me.”
8. Lastly, in one final effort to convert you to his religion, the Jehovah’s Witness will probably say something about how the church is a place where people are trying to make the world a better place and live in service of the Lord, which is a tough argument to top. So, what is your closing pitch about watching HBO porno with your buds that will convince this guy to come inside to watch some softcore with your crew?

To sweeten the pot, I’d tell him that if he comes inside to watch porn, I’ll allow him sit on the ground in front of the TV as close as he wants, and that I wouldn’t even say a word about him damaging his eyes.

I’d tell him that the crew is a bunch of great guys, and that even though they don’t know the ways of the Lord, they’re still selfless and kind and they pause the porno for you when you go to the bathroom, and one time when Josh’s dad called to tell him his grandpa died, we muted the movie so he could talk on the phone, even though we were at a part in the porno where the guy and the girl were both making these insane groaning noises that no normal human being has ever made while having sex.

I’d ask him to please take me with him to his church because I want to become pure.

I’d shoo him away from my property with an oven tray stained with Pizza Roll sauce until he gets back in his car and drives away. I will not have my time wasted any longer. I have softcore cable pornography to watch with my buds.

Results for Can You Turn The Tables And Recruit The Jehovah’s Witness At Your Door To Come Inside And Watch HBO Porn With Some Pals?

Yes! You Have Successfully Turned The Tables And Convinced The Jehovah’s Witness To Come Inside And Watch HBO Porn With Some Buds!
Nice job! Your performance on this quiz indicates that you'd be able to get this guy to lighten up a little bit, leave his Bible on the ground in the mudroom, and come on into the living room for a nice afternoon of watching HBO pornography with you and your buds. All of your friends are going to be pretty happy to see a new face, and the Jehovah’s Witness will probably have a great time too, totally unafraid to ask questions while trying to get caught up on the plot and fearlessly going in on the tomato pie slices on the coffee table. There’s no doubt about it: You’ve got some sharp missionary instincts and an undeniable ability to convert people to the path of softcore cable erotica. Congratulations!

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Results for Can You Turn The Tables And Recruit The Jehovah’s Witness At Your Door To Come Inside And Watch HBO Porn With Some Pals?

You Were Unable To Convert The Jehovah’s Witness To Come Inside To Watch HBO Porn With Your Pals Because He Converted You To Be A Jehovah’s Witness First.
Unfortunately, it looks like you'd never really even come close to recruiting the Jehovah's Witness for your porn-watching session, and instead you'd be so swayed by his conversion tactics that you would become a devout member of the church yourself. Hopefully you'll enjoy being a Jehovah’s Witness. Good luck!

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Results for Can You Turn The Tables And Recruit The Jehovah’s Witness At Your Door To Come Inside And Watch HBO Porn With Some Pals?

You Weren’t Even Close To Convincing The Jehovah’s Witness To Come Inside And Watch HBO Porn With Your Friends.
Yikes! According to this quiz, you would end up being kind of an aggressive dick the whole time the Jehovah's Witness was trying to talk to you, and you wouldn't even come close to getting him to watch porn with you and your friends. You'd just be way too eager to get back inside and kick it with your crew while the HBO softcore blared, and you wouldn't make the Jehovah’s Witness the priority at all. He'd probably feel uncomfortable with you the whole time, and honestly he'd probably be pretty happy that you’re not joining his church, too. Don't sweat it though. Sometimes two people just don’t gel. No harm, no foul.

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