Why Don’t Owen Wilson Come ’Round The Farm To Cal...

1. What’s the last thing you done truly said to sweet Owen?: I jus’ was seein’ if he for honest and true wanted me to be his and him to be mine under the prairie moonlight and the angels, disguised as stars that shine and shine.; Well, all I did was just ask him to sign my copy of Zoolander 2 on Blu-ray.; No. Don’t make me tell ya. Don’t make me tell ya! Fine. Fine! I was knitting and he surprised me coming through the door so late. I was just startled is all. I was just startled and my faint finger went straight to the trigger.; All I said was the truth. And truth is that I’m not all taken by his charming but aloof manner.

2. Well, where exactly do you suspect he’s gone off to now, then?: He said he was going to town for some Cannes Film Festival and he’d be back with his answer come morning, but it’s been weeks now.; He signed my copy, so I don’t really care to mind where he be anymore.; Oh, Papa. Papa, Papa, Papa. The boys took care of him. They took him. They didn’t tell over on where. They said it was better that way, Papa. Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa.; Went on the town to have a few sips of rye. And then a few sips more, I reckon.

3. Well, then is he never gonna come ’round here again no more?: Oh, I’m surely sure he will. He wouldn’t take my heart and throw it away. That’s not like my darlin’ Owen Wilson.; Maybe I’ll send him a note to stop by if there’s a Zoolander 3 and I so like it that I just must need his signature yet again.; Papa, please don’t make me say it plain. Papa, listen to what I’ve said! Papa, don’t you see, Papa? Please, Papa, please!; He will surely come back once his tab’s run too full and he needs a whisper of change to put a swirl back in his stomach. But he shall not be able to warm himself at my hearth. No sir.

4. What we gonna do without his strong arms to move the hay? His sterlin’ voice to wake the sows every morning?: He’ll be back soon. Oh, he’ll be back any moment now. Any moment my one and only Wilson boy will come ’round again.; We won’t need to do that once I sell these copies of Zoolander 2 on Blu-ray that I’ve copied Owen’s signature onto on Ebay.; The boys are too drunk to work. Papa. And you grow weak in your age. We will surely perish for the sin I have committed.; Hire him on as a farm hand. But do not let him work in the hope that I will one day be his wife. For that is a wage you are not able to offer.

5. My, my, my. Who is that boy that has been comin’ ’round the farm as of recent?: That’s Owen’s bothersome brother, Luke.; That’s Owen’s brother, Luke, come to sign some Idiocracy memorabilia.; Papa, that’s his brother! That’s his brother come to find where he’s gone! Oh no, oh no! What must I do now?!; Mmmmm, that’s the taut end of the Wilson family sausage.

6. Have you sent him any letters from your heart and your soul?: Every day, Pa. Every day I write him poems. I write him songs. I write him that I love him, again and again. Sometimes I send 10 letters a day, but day in and day out I receive not one response.; I am a polite and proper woman. I sent him a thank-you card and a forged signed copy of Zoolander 2.; I have sent anonymous word to his family just this morning that he is gone. How I have not said. Who I have not revealed. But they deserve to know he won’t come ’round there as he won’t come ’round here again.; No, but he sends me letters darn near every damned day even though my heart belongs to another.

7. What hopes do I have of you finding a good an’ pure soul to wed now?: Owen Wilson will come ’round again. He will. And then we will marry.; When my empire of signed memorabilia is sound, then I will turn my focus to the continuation of my line.; I have done wrong, Pa. A black mark hangs above this house.; Pa, I’m fucking Luke Wilson.

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