By golly, that’s Tony Award–winning actor, singer, and all-around Renaissance man Nathan Lane. He has a megaphone in one hand with the word “DIRECTOR” emblazoned upon it.

He is wearing dark sunglasses and a gray smock. He definitely wears the gray smock a lot, but I feel like I’ve seen him in other clothes, too?

I can’t describe him. It’s like he’s not a man, but an idea. An idea for a better world.

I haven’t missed a step. I had this nailed for my audition for Jersey Boys three months ago!

The man in the gray smock keeps telling me that I will “live a thousand lifetimes in the underworld” if I clap on the three again.

There are no wrong moves when you’re in the loving embrace of God’s extended family.

There were four or five Subway party subs backstage and they were horrible. That’s what you get when you are in one of the smaller productions!

We have not had a break since I got here. I’m pretty sure we’ve been performing for at least seven hours now.

I was fed along with everyone else at a trough, where we ate something called The Stew Of Lightness. It was tasty, though I shall never hunger as long as I have the love of the merciful Infinity Angel in my heart.

Yes, he said, “I can’t believe that I, Tony Award–winning actor, writer, and all-around Renaissance man Nathan Lane, have found myself directing an Off-Broadway production of fucking Jersey Boys for Christ’s sake. That’s the last time I promise a favor to Bob Gaudio. Wait, who am I kidding. I love Bob.”

No, but a woman wearing a veil that is constantly attended by three teenagers who seem forbidden from speaking to her always uses air quotes whenever she refers to “the production.”

No one can speak except the Infinity Angel who uses our unworthy flesh vessels to spread her dictums and encourage every man, woman, and child to enslave himself to her wisdom.

Yes, I have. Bob Gaudio, original member of the Four Seasons and writer and composer of Tony Award–winning musical Jersey Boys. He’s a pretty cool cat.

The one guy I tried to make friends with looked me in the eye and said, “I have a wife and kids. I never should have agreed to do this. What have I done with my life?” Later you saw him being escorted backstage and you have not seen him since.

There are no friends here. They are me and I am them.

I’m not sure, but I sure hope that it’s not soon because I’m having the time of my life here singing Mr. Gaudio’s songs and even getting a smile out of Mr. Lane once in a while when we really kill ’em dead out there.

Hopefully soon so we can stop rehearsing these endless musical numbers. Also at least half the people here only refer to themselves as “the producers,” and now that I think about it, it doesn’t seem like there are any chairs for the audience to sit in. Maybe there are folding chairs somewhere?

10:31 a.m. EST on October 17, 2021

After our matinee today, Mr. Lane took me aside and told me that I had a lot of promise. He said that after this run is done, he and Mr. Gaudio are going to take me on the road to sing backup for their Nathan Lane And Bobby Gaudio Sing The Hits nationwide tour.

One time I threw up on stage and we stopped for a few minutes because it’s a health code violation, which was nice because I think that means I’m still alive and not literally in hell.

This is not an experience. It’s an idea. An idea for a better world.