Do You Have What It Takes To Keep Oscar The Grouc...

1. Before we get started, you should know that this is not going to be a fun vacation for you. Oscar the Grouch is honestly one of the rudest gorillas to ever learn to talk. One time on Sesame Street a kid smiled and said, “Hi, Oscar! I love you!” and Oscar responded by enlisting the kid’s dad in the military. Oscar is going to be a total nightmare to the Chinese, so keeping him respectful and in check is going to be an around-the-clock job. Are you up for that?

I believe I am capable of keeping Oscar the Grouch in line as we travel though China.

I’m going to do everything I can, but this does sound pretty difficult.

I honestly have absolutely no experience with making a rude person behave on vacation.

This sounds like something I would do a terrible job with.
2. Oscar the Grouch is going to be a nightmare to take through airport security. The trash can he lives in always sets off all the metal detectors, and when this happens, the TSA needs to call in a bomb squad to drop an anvil on Oscar’s head. To make matters worse, when Oscar the Grouch enters an airport, he puts on a stethoscope that he keeps in his trash can and introduces himself to everyone at the airport as “Dr. 9/11.” This doesn’t mean anything, but Oscar thinks that it seems like a rude and scary thing to say at an airport. How would you get Oscar safely through airport security?

I would check Oscar’s trash can as luggage so that he is safely stowed beneath the plane during my flight to China and can’t say anything rude.

I would put Oscar the Grouch in the mail and meet him in China when Fed Ex drops him off in front of a McDonald’s in Beijing.

I would try to cover for Oscar by telling the TSA that Dr. 9/11 is a highly respected physician who once removed the brain of a donkey and the donkey stayed alive without a brain for the rest of the day.

When the TSA gets all worked up about Oscar’s bad manners and tries to punish him, I would try to stop them by saying, “You better do what this guy says. He’s Dr. 9/11!”
3. Oscar wants very badly to be racist, but since he’s a gorilla he doesn’t understand how racism works. As a result, he calls all human women “Orientals” and all human men “Jewesses,” regardless of ethnicity. He has no idea what these words mean; he only knows that they are somehow racist. Obviously if Oscar uses these words in front of the Chinese, it’s going to cause a lot of offense. How would you stop Oscar the Grouch from using these racially insensitive terms during your trip to China?

I would tell Oscar that the words “Oriental” and “Jewess” are actually derogatory terms for whatever Grover is. That way, Oscar would still say rude things like “I wish Grover the Oriental Jewess would get taken to prison for reasons that are never explained to him,” but he would not use these words to refer to the people of China.

I would tell Oscar the Grouch that the most offensive term you can call somebody is “Mr. Fat Wonderful” so that he calls all the people in China this instead of “Oriental” or “Jewess.” Oscar would believe this phrase is offensive because it has the word “fat” in it. Then when a Chinese person asks me what “Mr. Fat Wonderful” means in Chinese, I would translate it as, “Huge Fabulous Your Majesty.”

I wouldn’t be able to prevent Oscar the Grouch from using these offensive terms, but I would punish him every time he said “Oriental” or “Jewess” by dumping a bucket of scorpions into his trash can so that they sting him on his stomach to punish him.

I regret to inform you that every time Oscar the Grouch called a Chinese person a “Jewess” or an “Oriental,” I would give him a silver dollar.
4. Oscar the Grouch is vaguely aware that showing strangers your genitals is considered a very grouchy thing to do, and so when he is in China he will always be trying to flash people. Unfortunately, Oscar’s body has become severely deformed after living in a trash can for 80 years. As a result, everything below his waist has turned into soil, and when he lifts himself out of his trash can to flash the Chinese, he will crumble into a pile of dirt and die. What will you do when Oscar tries to show his trash-can genitals to the people of China?

I would try to lie to the Chinese and tell them that in America it is considered a sign of great respect to shout “Behold my groin!” before crumbling into a big pile of soil and dying, so that they are not offended when Oscar does this to them.

I would tell Oscar that if he goes the entire trip without trying to show anybody his genitals, I will give him a Dixie cup full of bullets, which I assume he loves because he thinks bullets are rude.

I would not be able to stop Oscar from trying to expose his genitals to the people in China, but I would make sure that I made it up to the Chinese by giving them a Hallmark card that said, “I’m Sorry My Rude Gorilla Took His Decaying Groin Out Of His Trash Can.”

I’m pretty sure my curiosity for seeing what Oscar the Grouch looks like from the waist down would cause me to encourage him to reveal his groin to the Chinese.
5. One thing you should know is that Oscar the Grouch got faulty information about China from his parole officer, Big Bird, who always lies to him, and now he thinks the point of the Great Wall of China is to trap stray dogs inside of China so that they can set a world record for the country with the most stray dogs. As a result, Oscar is going to try to throw every stray dog he finds over the Great Wall as a grouchy way to insult the Chinese. The Chinese are not going to be too offended by this because they don’t care about how many stray dogs they have. It’s just something to be aware of.

Got it. I’ll try my best to be mindful of this.

I think it would be interesting to see Oscar the Grouch throw a stray dog over the Great Wall of China.
6. As a present for Oscar the Grouch’s 40th birthday, his unlicensed pediatricians Bert and Ernie gave him a lesson about sex in which they told Oscar that everyone larger than him was his dad. They weren’t trying to lie to him, it’s just that nobody on Sesame Street understands sex and they all honestly think this. As a result, Oscar the Grouch thinks that Chinese President Xi Jinping is his father because Xi Jinping is larger than him. When he gets to China, Oscar the Grouch is going to try to find Xi Jinping and throw a sexy high-heeled shoe at his head. This is because Oscar knows incest is considered one of the rudest things you can do, and he thinks incest is when you throw a sexy high-heeled shoe at your father’s head. How would you prevent this disaster from happening?

I would force-feed Oscar the Grouch a high-fat diet so that he rapidly gains weight and becomes larger than Xi Jinping. Hopefully this will make him think that he is Xi Jinping’s father instead of the other way around.

I would pay a Chinese choir a silver dollar to sing Oscar the Grouch a song I’ve written called “Incest Is Considered Good Manners In China” so that Oscar no longer thinks it’s considered rude to throw a high-heeled shoe at his Chinese father’s head and loses interest in doing so.

I would tell Oscar the Grouch that everyone in China is his father so that he pulls everyone’s pants down instead of just Xi Jinping’s.

This sounds like a personal matter between Oscar the Grouch and his pants-less father, Xi Jinping, the Chinese president. I will let them settle their family conflict privately.
7. China is famous for its beautiful and intricate Buddhist temples. Fortunately for the people of China, Oscar the Grouch happens to be a devout Buddhist. Unfortunately for the people of China, the way that Oscar worships Buddha is by pushing a Toyota Corolla sedan in front of a statue of Buddha and setting it on fire as a way to “sacrifice” the car to Buddha. Oscar thinks that once the car is destroyed by the fire, it appears in heaven, where Buddha climbs into it and uses it to run over angels until it runs out of gas. When he sees all the Buddhist temples in China, Oscar’s going to be setting cars on fire like crazy, which is going to cause a ton of destruction and probably injure a lot of people. How would you prevent Oscar from igniting too many cars for Buddha during his trip to China?

I would prevent Oscar from getting any cars by making him wear a sign around his neck at all times that says, “IF YOU SELL ME A CAR I’M GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BE YOUR MOM ” in Chinese so that nobody wants to sell Oscar a car.

I would try to convert Oscar to Christianity by showing him an oil painting I had made of Jesus Christ living in a trash can just like him and acting rude by throwing batteries at children. Oscar will think Christ is way ruder than Buddha and will worship him instead.

I would ruin Oscar’s Buddhist aspirations to be reborn as Bashar al-Assad by telling him that it sucks to be Bashar al-Assad because his left foot is much bigger than his right foot and he always has to buy two separate pairs of shoes in order to get one shoe that’s the right size for each foot.

I’ve already become converted to Oscar’s perverted version of Buddhism, and I’m rooting for him to send lots of cars to heaven so Buddha can run over angels all day and all night.
8. On Sesame Street Oscar is constantly in an environment where he is allowed to interact with children and approach them at any time to offer them horrible lessons about how to be grouchy. He does not understand that in most other places, it is extremely illegal to approach other people’s children without warning and start shouting facts about garbage at them. As a result, when Oscar goes to China, he will constantly be going up to Chinese children and saying things he thinks are both educational and grouchy like, “Hello, little boy. Garbage is a part of math.” This will cause the children’s parents great distress and probably result in Oscar getting arrested. Would you be able to prevent Oscar from approaching children all the time?

I would tell Oscar the Grouch that the only thing that Chinese children learn in school is that garbage is a part of math. That way, Oscar will think that Chinese children already know everything and he won’t just start shouting these terrible lessons at them.

I would make Oscar leave the hotel wearing a mask of Chinese president Xi Jinping’s face so that when he said these things to children, the police would either arrest Xi Jinping, or present Xi Jinping with a teaching award for his important lessons about how garbage is a part of math.

I would tell Oscar that all Chinese children are generals in the Chinese military and they will blow him up if he tries to teach them anything.

Sadly, I would help round up Chinese children in a classroom so that Oscar the Grouch could tell them that garbage is a part of math, and then I would pass out multiple-choice tests where the only question is “Garbage is a part of math,” and the only answer choice is, “Yes, that’s true. I learned that from my rude god, Oscar the Grouch.”

Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Keep Oscar The Grouch Behaved And Respectful On A Trip To China?

You Would Do A Great Job Keeping Oscar The Grouch Well-Behaved In China!
Nice job! You definitely have what it takes to keep Oscar the Grouch respectful and well-behaved during your vacation in China. Oscar is going to try very hard to be a grouchy menace in China, but you’re going to keep him in check by exploiting his tiny brain. When you get on the plane to go back to America, the Chinese military will award Oscar the Grouch the Chinese Medal of Basic Politeness, which it awards to every tourist who visits China without killing anybody. Nice job!

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Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Keep Oscar The Grouch Behaved And Respectful On A Trip To China?

Oscar The Grouch Would Be Extremely Rude And Humiliate You On A Trip To China!
Bad news! According to this quiz, you wouldn't have what it takes to keep Oscar the Grouch well-behaved if he went with you on vacation to China. Oscar would be a real disrespectful terror, and everyone in China is going to hate him. They will think that the average American lives in a trash can and shouts lies about the alphabet at passing children. The Chinese government will kick the both of you out of China, and you will be extremely embarrassed. Don’t feel too bad, though! Oscar the Grouch sucks, and it’s really hard to make him behave. It’s not a reflection on you, he’s just a lost cause.

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Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Keep Oscar The Grouch Behaved And Respectful On A Trip To China?

Under Your Shoddy Supervision, Oscar The Grouch’s Bad Behavior Would Start A War Between China And The United States!
Yikes! According to this quiz, you would do such a bad job keeping Oscar the Grouch well-behaved in China that his perverted grouchiness would end up causing a war between the United States and China. Your inability to keep Oscar in check is so severe that he would just constantly be yelling at Chinese children and committing crimes involving Chinese President Xi Jinping. He might even pull Xi Jinping’s pants down, which would not go over well with the Chinese military. Basically, he’d be such a terror that the Chinese government would have no choice but to try to fight a war against America for allowing a big, green piece of shit like Oscar the Grouch to roll around China in his trash can causing misery wherever he goes. Better luck next time!

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Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Keep Oscar The Grouch Behaved And Respectful On A Trip To China?

You Would Do A Great Job Keeping Oscar The Grouch Well-Behaved In China!

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Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Keep Oscar The Grouch Behaved And Respectful On A Trip To China?

Oscar The Grouch Would Be Extremely Rude And Humiliate You On A Trip To China!

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Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Keep Oscar The Grouch Behaved And Respectful On A Trip To China?

Under Your Shoddy Supervision, Oscar The Grouch’s Bad Behavior Would Start A War Between China And The United States!

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