The horses don’t live in my house. There’s a pretty big hole in the corner of one of my cabinets that they have to wriggle their entire bodies through to get in.

The horses wanted to take over my mattress after they saw me sleeping on it. Then they saw me sleeping on the couch, and they all rushed to claim the couch as their space. After that, I went back to my bedroom to sleep on my mattress, and all of a sudden, they wanted the mattress again. This cycle keeps repeating itself.

The horses have made a massive nest with all the clothes in my closet, and whenever I try to grab something I want to wear, they angrily neigh at me until I leave.

The horses currently take up every square inch of my apartment. There are so many damn horses in my place that I haven’t left in weeks, because it’s physically impossible to squeeze past all of them and get to the front door.

Not that often. Sometimes I’ll have to quickly pull my feet up while I’m sitting on the couch because a horse will come sprinting into my living room out of nowhere, but that’s it.

I feel uneasy on a regular basis. Whenever I use the toilet, all the horses break down my door and rush into my bathroom so they can intently watch me. They’re extremely interested in how I use the toilet.

I’m uncomfortable every day because the horses have figured out how to outsmart my horse trap, which is a carrot hanging from the ceiling from rope with an ax tied to the other end.

I can’t remember what it feels like to be comfortable in my apartment. I almost died when a spooked horse dashed out of the horse nest and knocked me down. That commotion spooked all the other horses, so then they ran out of the horse nest and trampled me. My screams kept spooking them, and they kept trampling me until I passed out four hours later.

No, not really. They’ve moved around some paintings and dragged in some new ones. But other than that, nothing.

They’ve yanked the toilet out from my bathroom with their powerful teeth and installed it in the middle of my living room so they won’t have to run into the bathroom anymore to watch me use it.

Every wall in my apartment has been knocked down by their oafish, lumbering bodies so they can mindlessly gallop around in a big circle.

My entire apartment is now just one long hallway with horses’ heads poking out from stables on both sides. There is a shitty stable at the end of the hallway, which from their body language, I believe is mine.

Not too much.

Every now and then I lose sleep because the couple horses that live in my place will stand over my bed and watch me while I’m asleep. Then, when I wake up, they get startled and run straight out of the room, but even after they leave, I can never get back to sleep.

Pretty often. I usually try to stay up because the horses wait for me to fall asleep so they can have thunderous sex with each other then gallop over to my terrarium and take large bites out of it when they’re finished.

I haven’t fallen asleep in days because whenever I do, the horses will all form a dog pile on top of me until the weight causes the floor to droop, then right before it caves in and I fall into the apartment below mine, they’ll all scatter.

No, I haven’t done that yet.

I spent half a year making an animatronic horse and placed it right outside one of my windows in hopes it would make the horses curious and leave forever, but the horses immediately caught onto what I was trying to do and got so upset that four of them each grabbed one of my limbs with their mouths and started pulling until I screamed so loud that they stopped.

I once opened all the windows in my place and released a bird in my apartment in hopes the horses would chase the bird around, and maybe chase it out the window and never come back. But what happened was, they chased the bird around until it flew out the window, and then they realized what I was trying to do and got so upset that four of them each grabbed one of my limbs with their mouths and started pulling until I screamed so loud that they stopped.

I once thought about coaxing them out of my apartment, and the horses immediately got so upset that four of them each grabbed one of my limbs with their mouths and started pulling until I screamed so loud that they stopped.

No, that hasn’t happened. There is peace between man and beast in my home.

Not yet. The horses in my apartment keep trying to destroy my iPad, which I think they think is my child, in order to get me to leave. But as long as I lock my iPad in a safe and only use it when I’m sitting against a corner, I should be good.

Yes. Every day a horse picks me up with its mouth, carries me out the door, and drops me outside.

Yes. Every time I fall asleep, I wake up to a horse dragging me onto railroad tracks right as a train is coming. Luckily, I’ve always managed to hop out of the way right before getting hit.