Between zero and 12 mummies have done sand to my family.

Twelve or more mummies have done sand to my family.

No mummies have dumped sand at my front door, but Poseidon the God of the Sea has recently pushed a stingray through my mail slot before getting in his van and driving back to his room at the Ramada Inn.

Between zero and 12 mummies have become my roommates.

There have been no mummies, but last night Poseidon the Sea God dragged a kiddie pool full of seawater into my family’s living room and sat down in it. He told my 5-year-old son that the living room was now called “Poseidon’s Jungle” and that nobody could come in unless they brought Poseidon a pornography magazine.

More than 12 mummies have decided to live in my home, and they make my family and me wear badges that say “Visitor” while we walk around our own house.

A mysterious old woman told me I was going to die from a normal car accident when I was 200 years old.

A mummy told me he was going to drop an anvil on my head.

Poseidon God of the Sea told me he was going to “put a shark in my lunch” and have the shark eat what he called my “brain’s whole head.” I told Poseidon I would notice a shark in my lunch, and he said that I would not because it would be a very quiet shark.

A normal amount of mummies are teaching them how to drive.

An incredibly huge and belligerent army of mummies have dragged my children into the cursed crypt of an ancient pyramid, where they are teaching my children new swear words.

A huge wave came and carried my children away to Poseidon the Sea God’s room at the Ramada Inn, where Poseidon is showing them two stingrays he tied together. He refers to these two stingrays tied together as his “contraption.”

A normal amount of mummies gathered and politely watched my spouse and me make love. One of the mummies saluted us, and one of the mummies applauded. My spouse and I laughed and waved at the normal amount of mummies while we crested ecstasy’s peak, and then the mummies got into their van and drove back to their desert crypt.

A huge amount of mummies gathered to watch my spouse and me have marital relations. The mummies told us we were doing a bad job and started to boo us and throw cursed scarab beetles at us, and the sound of the mummies booing caused my kids to come in and see what was wrong and they saw the whole thing and now my kids think sex is when you get naked and shout “Be quiet!” at a bunch of mummies while the mummies throw bugs at you.

Poseidon God of the Sea heard my spouse and me having marital relations.