Can You Figure Out What Important Event You’ve Fo...

1. Hmm, you are definitely missing something big here. Can you think of any important family gatherings that are happening soon?: Nothing comes to mind. I was hoping to have a quiet, lazy weekend.; Can’t think of anything coming up, although we just had our family reunion. Maybe they already had the haircuts for that? Can’t remember.; Grandpa’s having his lung surgery soon. I’m guessing we’ll probably all go to the hospital together to visit him.; Labor Day is next week. Do people get haircuts for Labor Day?

2. Did one of your sisters send you an email chain titled “hair stuff?” that you should have looked at?: Jackie did, and I’m pretty sure I deleted it. Fuck.; Maybe? My sisters send a lot of email chains. I try to read all of them, but if they’re sent when I’m at work, they usually end up getting buried in all my work emails.; Ummm…I don’t know. Drawing a blank.; Not sure if there was an email chain, but now that I’m thinking about this more, I honestly feel like I remember hearing something about haircuts for Labor Day. That’d be so weird, though, right?

3. Did your sisters mention anything about getting haircuts on your family group chat?: Oh god, maybe? I remember them sending the haircut emoji repeatedly, but I thought maybe that was part of some inside joke. I wasn’t here the last time they were all together, so I figured maybe I’d just missed out on something.; I don’t know. Between all the group chats and email threads, I really lose track of a lot of things. Fuck.; Now that I think about it, they said they were going to meet at “Martha’s,” which isn’t the name of anyone we know, but I guess it could be the name of a salon?

4. Your cousin Isabel is pregnant. Did you forget that you were supposed to get a haircut for the baby shower?: Goddamnit, was that it? Fuck me.; I did completely forget about the baby shower, but that doesn’t seem like the kind of thing all my sisters would get haircuts for. Maybe just Alison. Or Alison and Jackie, because Jackie’s helping plan the shower. But definitely not all of them.; The baby shower is the weekend after Labor Day, so maybe the haircuts are doing double duty. My sisters have never gotten haircuts for Labor Day before, but something is telling me these haircuts are for Labor Day.

5. Tessa has full-on bangs now.: I know. What the fuck?; That’d be an insane haircut to get for just one event. I could maybe see Jackie pulling a stunt like that, but Tessa? I’d be shocked, honestly.; I saw. And when she posted her new-haircut selfie to Instagram, Alison commented, “You finally took the plunge!” as if this was something she’d been building up to. But I talk to Tessa a lot, and she’s never once mentioned wanting bangs to me.

6. Does your family normally make a big deal about hair at family events?: No, never. Jackie had dreadlocks for, like, a year, and no one said anything, even when she was a bridesmaid in Aunt Kelly’s wedding.; I feel like we all got haircuts for Christmas once when we were little, but it was only because Mom wanted to take a nice family photo. It’s the picture that’s still hanging up in the foyer—the one where Dad has a mustache.

7. Mom’s been wearing a sparkly barrette a lot lately. Does that have something to do with the haircuts?: I think it’s a new thing she and her friend Jeanne have been doing. They learned how to make them on Pinterest, and then they taught a bunch of other ladies how to make them at the church clothing swap. She’s been wearing the barrette for at least a few weeks—definitely before the haircuts.; I don’t think it has anything to do with the haircuts, but it’s not a good look for Mom. It’s got a real child-beauty-pageant sort of vibe.; No, I think she’s had that for a while. She got guilted into buying it at one of her friends’ LuLaRoe parties. She spent, like, 20 fucking dollars on the thing. All her friends are having these parties now—Mary Kay, Beautycounter, all that shit—and Mom keeps coming home with all this tacky junk she doesn’t really want. I feel like she’s being taken advantage of.; Who knows. I feel like Mom’s been trying to reinvent herself a little lately, but she’s not really committing to anything.

8. Wait, forget the barrette for a second and look again: Did Mom get a haircut too?!?: Oh, no. She better not have. I can’t be the only person in this fucking family who didn’t get a haircut.; It’s impossible to tell. She’s dabbled with so many different hairstyles these past couple years that I don’t even know what’s the baseline anymore. It could just be a different hair color—sometimes she’ll buy a new kind of dye if there’s a sale. Her hair’s definitely been getting longer.; No. I think her hair only looks different because of the barrette.; Maybe I just dreamed this, but I swear a few days ago Mom asked me if I liked her “big Labor Day haircut” or something.

9. It looks like your sisters got manicures and pedicures, too. Do you know why?: Jesus, I don’t know, it’s probably somewhere on the fucking group chat. How am I supposed to keep track of all these goddamn group chats?; It has to be for something where we’ll be wearing open-toed shoes, right? Something outdoors? I really have no clue. I give up.; They might have just gotten the pedicures because the nail place had one of those cheap manicure-pedicure deals. Honestly, though, call me crazy, but I think it could really all be for Labor Day. What else could it be?

10. Is it possible that all your sisters got haircuts at the same time by coincidence?: I don’t know. I have four sisters. Probably not. What are the fucking odds?; Let’s hope so.

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