Is Your Feud With The Local Butcher Nearing Its C... | ClickHole

1. Things have gotten pretty bad between the two of you in the past. What analogy most accurately describes your current relationship with the butcher?

He’s a dentist, I’m a dental patient: I visit him when I need his services, and he provides them to me.

I’m Simon, he’s Garfunkel: There’s some bitterness there, but we respect one another.

I’m Israel, he’s Palestine: We’re working on it, but it’s probably not gonna happen.

He’s Tom, I’m Jerry: This madness will continue until one of us is dead and buried.
2. You recently wrote the butcher a polite letter asking him to stop nailing pig snouts to your car while you’re at work. How many pig snouts has the butcher nailed to your car since then?

Zero pig snouts.

He did one, but I bet it was an accident.

Nine.

I cannot count all of the snouts.
3. The butcher recently extended an olive branch by hiring you to teach him to swim. How much effort do you put into his swimming lessons?

I teach him everything he needs to know to be a safe and confident swimmer.

Honestly, I kind of phone it in, but I do that with all my swimmers.

I mix real swimming information in with fake swimming information, such as, “Propel yourself forward by furiously guzzling the water as fast as you can.”

I’m teaching him how to swim extremely well, but only downward.
4. One of your biggest beefs with the butcher was that he had a prominently displayed poster of your body divided into beef cuts hanging over his counter. Has the butcher taken down the poster?

He didn’t take it down, but he covered most of it with cold cuts.

He left it up, but he put a second poster next to it of himself apologizing for the first poster.

It’s still up there, and he’s actually started selling copies of it to customers.

He replaced it with a monitor looping a 3D animation of my body being butchered into really delicious-looking steaks.
5. You thought maybe things between you and the butcher would cool off if you hired him to help you plan a meat-themed birthday party for your niece. How accommodating was he?

Very accommodating. He even delivered the meat and helped my niece eat it.

Somewhat accommodating. He misspelled my niece’s name on her meat outfit, but I doubt that was intentional.

Not very accommodating. The meat he delivered was mostly in the form of live animals, and when I asked him to help me turn them into meat, he slapped me.

Not accommodating at all. The butcher scared my niece by bringing her a realistic version of herself made out of meat and then eating it.
6. This whole thing started when the butcher was trapped under a pile of ribs and you didn’t do anything to help him. If the butcher was trapped under a pile of ribs screaming for help today, how would you react?

I would remove the ribs.

I’d maybe kick some of the ribs around, and if it helped him, so be it.

I’d pretend I couldn’t hear him under the sound of me munching on the ribs.

I’d throw my own ribs onto the pile to further crush him, ensuring both of our gruesome demises.
7. You’ve previously left some pretty nasty reviews of the butcher on Yelp. What was the headline of your most recent review of him?

“Quality meats, great service.”

“I’ve heard rumors he sometimes accidentally uses the wrong animals.”

“Great butcher if you love a lot of of butcher diarrhea on your meat.”

“I plan on committing the act of murder to this man.”
8. Does the meat you’ve been discovering in your mailbox on a daily basis seem more like a gift or a threat?

The meat includes an ice pack to keep it fresh. It seems more like a gift.

The meat isn’t chilled or preserved in any way, but it includes quality cuts. It’s probably a gift.

The meat is maggot-infested and mostly offal. It seems like a threat.

The meat is cuts of my own flesh. It’s a threat.

Results for Is Your Feud With The Local Butcher Nearing Its Conclusion?

You Never Had A Feud With Your Butcher
Sorry for the confusion, it sounds like you never had a feud with your butcher in the first place. Good for you two! Way to keep your butcher-client relationship courteous and professional, the way it should be. Here’s to a lifetime of quality fresh cuts at a fair price.

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Results for Is Your Feud With The Local Butcher Nearing Its Conclusion?

Sounds Like Things Are On The Mend Between You And Your Butcher
Hooray! Put on your best butcher-kissing lipstick, because it sounds like you two are about to kiss and make up. It’s time to put the years of poisoned meat and cyberbullying behind you and roll out the red carpet for a new lease on your relationship with your local butcher.

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Results for Is Your Feud With The Local Butcher Nearing Its Conclusion?

It’s Going To Be A While Before This Feud Is Over
Yikes, doesn’t sound like things between you and your butcher are headed in the right direction at all. Maybe you’ll be able to work things out, but don’t hold your breath. It’s just a sad fact of life that not everyone can get along with their local butcher. Oh well.

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Results for Is Your Feud With The Local Butcher Nearing Its Conclusion?

This Feud Will Never End
The rest of your life will be consumed by your feud with the local butcher. Your one purpose is his destruction, and yours his. This is your destiny. Fuck him. Fuck him to death forever.

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