Can You Help Jay-Z Make A Good Rap About Cars To ... | ClickHole

1. First things first, you need to prove to Jay-Z that you know what a car is in order for him to trust you as a creative collaborator. What, in your opinion, is a car?

A car is essentially a boat, but with a glove box.

A car is a type of Toyota.

A car is a machine designed by the government to execute Dale Earnhardt for the crime of speeding.

A car is one of those things you always see everywhere.

A car is a highly advanced couch.
2. And what, in your opinion, is a rap?

A rap is the kind of song with drums.

A rap is a kind of song where a man yells about the items he is looking at.

A rap is a loud poem designed to frighten strong-willed toddlers into obedience.

A rap is the kind of song where you express your beliefs and feelings about cars.
3. Okay, now onto the rap itself. Jay wants to start it out with the line “There are many vehicles from which to choose / But there’s a certain one all the cool cats use,” but he’s stuck on what should come next. Any suggestions?

“It’s called a car, baby, and it’s got a lot of wheels.”

“It’s called a car, baby, and it doesn’t got no wheels.”

“O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.”

“It’s called a car, buster, and you can drive it to your church.”
4. Jay-Z enlisted superstar producer Just Blaze to make a beat for the song, and while it’s got all the pulsing synths and soaring melodies you’d find in a chart-topping hit, Jay’s worried that it’s not sufficiently evocative of cars. How would you suggest going about making the beat more evocative of cars?

Swap out all the kick drums with the sound of a seat belt buckling.

Swap out the synth line with the blare of an old-timey horn going, “Ahhhwooooga!”

Hire John Legend to soulfully croon, “Vroom vroo-oom / VROOM VROO-OOM / Lord! Lord! Lord! / Vroom vroo-oom,” for the hook.

Punctuate every bar and begin every verse, chorus, and bridge with the sound of an engine revving.
5. Jay-Z loves rapping about sex. He wants to know if it would be a good idea for him to include lyrics about sex in the car song he’s making for his chauffeur.

No, it’d be best to keep the focus on cars.

Yes, okay, he can rap about sex.
6. Regardless of how you answered the previous question, Jay has decided he’s going to include some lyrics about sex. Which of these sex rhymes would be best to include in his rap about cars?

“Riding a car is much like sex / Because you wear a seat belt and feel perplexed.”

“Why is Jerry Seinfeld always getting coffee with stars / When he could be having sex with all his awesome cars?”

“When I’m feeling sad that cars don’t have boobs / I pretend the armrests are really long boobs.”

“It’s very erotic to be a car owner / I once ran over a dog and got a huge boner.”
7. Jay-Z’s wife, Beyoncé, contributed vocals to be used for the chorus, but she went off script and sang about how cars are vastly inferior to vans—even though Jay made it very clear to her that the song was supposed to be a celebration of cars. Should Jay keep Beyoncé’s chorus in the song even though it disparages cars, or should he cut it from the song and divorce her?

Keep the chorus, even though it blatantly contradicts the spirit of the song.

Cut the chorus and divorce Beyoncé.
8. It’s very important to Jay-Z that the song convey the idea that cars go fast. What’s a good rhyme to drive home this message?

“Scientists say there’s nothing faster than a lion / But cars are way faster—those eggheads are lyin’.”

“It takes 40 minutes to get to Kohl’s on a mule / But a car will get you there in 40 seconds, fool.”

“I bet wheelchair slowpokes feel so miffed / To see their car brethren cruising so swift.”

“Cars…I don’t know if they’re fast or not / Cars…they’re probably just normal speed.”
9. Jay’s chauffeur is a foreigner of some kind, and Jay is wondering whether it’d be a nice thing to honor his heritage by rapping in a “Chinese voice.” What do you think?

That is a very good and thoughtful idea.

That would be a culturally insensitive thing to do.
10. Jay-Z can’t remember his chauffeur’s name but would love to give him a shout-out somewhere in the song. Can you remind him what his chauffeur’s name is?

Keith

Eric

McDriver

Jay-Z
11. Jay is getting bored working on this song and doesn’t care enough about his chauffeur to spend any more time on it. He’s just going to fill all the remaining empty space with lyrics from “99 Problems.”

Okay. The chauffeur probably won’t even notice.

Jay shouldn’t give up yet. He should try to finish what he started.
12. One last thing: Now that all the heavy lifting is done, what do you think the song’s title should be?

“Car Time”

“Vans Are Vastly Superior To Cars”

“Beep Beep, Honk Honk, Here Comes A Stupid Car”

“I Want To Hold Your Car” (Beatles cover)

“Pray For Cars”

“Man’s Best Friend”

“Holy Smokes…Get A Load Of Cars”

Results for Can You Help Jay-Z Make A Good Rap About Cars To Surprise His Chauffeur?

Jay-Z Didn’t Take Any Of Your Suggestions, But Tony Yayo Would Like To Use Them.
When Jay-Z saw your suggestions, he got the sense that maybe you’d never seen a car before, and he was a little pissed at you for wasting his time. You just really, really missed the mark. But here's the good news: G-Unit rapper Tony Yayo was actually really impressed by your ideas, and he would like to use them for a car rap of his own. So, all in all, a pretty good consolation prize!

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Results for Can You Help Jay-Z Make A Good Rap About Cars To Surprise His Chauffeur?

You Did A Good Job Helping Jay-Z Make A Rap About Cars For His Chauffeur.
Hey, not bad! The suggestions you gave Jay really paid off—the song sounds great. Really captures the essence of cars. Jay’s chauffeur will be super happy when he hears it. Way to go! Given your musical instincts and lyrical prowess, maybe one day you, too, can become a rap mogul.

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