Are Your Legs Fucked Up Enough For My Risky Leg C... | ClickHole

1. How fucked up are your legs?

They are unfortunately not fucked up at all.

Now that you mention it, one has a ponytail.

So fucked up that people often think my legs are a pair of English springer spaniels that I am walking.

So fucked up that my father strapped me to a workbench when I was 12 and tried cutting them off with a circular saw.
2. For this trial, your legs need to be incredibly absorbent, as the cream can be very dangerous unless it’s fully sucked into the pores of your skin. How absorbent are your legs?

Not absorbent at all, something I am often teased for in my place of work.

Absorbent enough to absorb most salves as long as the salve does most of the work.

My legs are thirsty little sluts for guzzling creams and balms.

One of them once absorbed an entire pair of shorts.

Again, just to be clear, the FDA not only hasn’t approved my cream trial, they are also actively trying to kill me, and I have to keep switching identities to stay one step ahead of them. Just want you to know that.
3. This cream is known to melt sidewalks, bathtubs, and glass. If your legs were to get melted, would it improve them?

No, sadly—they are better off not being melted.

It depends on exactly how melted we are talking here.

Strangers often tell me I should try melting my horrible legs.

My doctor melts them all the time, but they just unmelt the second he shuts off the melting torch.
4. I need to know some more specifics about how fucked up your legs are, because the U.N. has technically classified the cream as a chemical weapon. How pant-like are your pants?

I am sorry to say I wear Wranglers in 32x32, which are as pant-like as pants come.

I wear Dazzlers in 50x12, which are right on the border between being pants and not being pants.

I wear Bruzzlers in 45FTx112, which the EPA does not allow to be legally sold as pants.

I dunk my legs in Plasti Dip, a coating used to add rubber grips to tools.
5. How brave are your legs when it comes to being slathered in creams that have received no oversight or quality control of any kind?

My embarrassing legs are virgins to cream and quiver at the mere mention of being slathered.

I put a little cream on the right one once, but chickened out when I got to the second.

My legs are like Navy test pilots for being slathered with cream.

These fuckers actually dispense their own terrible cream and then slather themselves with it.
6. Currently, how good are your legs at strolling?

I regret to inform you they can stroll just fine.

I’m not going to win any awards for strolling.

I trip even in bed.

I don’t stroll at all. I do a thing that is more like how jellyfish swim, only on land.
7. So far, I’ve only tested my cream by spreading it on the legs of unwitting sunbathers at the beach, by spraying it from my car onto several species of animals, and on chimp cadaver legs. The trials on everything but cadaver chimp legs have all gone horribly wrong. How similar are your legs to cadaver chimp legs?

My apologies, but my legs are human, and they are alive.

My legs are cadaver chimp legs in spirit only.

I’ve never had them tested, but they look, feel, and act like cadaver chimp legs.

I’ve been feeding my legs a strict diet of cadaver chimp legs for decades.
8. My leg cream has caused the total extinction of several animal species. How good are your legs at growing back?

I’m afraid my legs could not do that.

My leg ponytail grows back after I cut it off, but that’s about it.

Their skin can grow back, but I’m not sure about muscle and bone.

My father once tried to stop my legs from growing back, and he paid the ultimate price.
9. Do your legs welcome numbness, tingling, odorous emissions, tangle-bone, shortness of breath, hawk’s ankle, knee liquefaction, and toe foreskins?

No, sorry. My legs don’t want those things.

Probably not. I’d need to work with them a lot first.

“Welcome” is a strong word. But they could most certainly handle it.

Hell to the yeah, motherfuckers.
10. The following question is to be answered only by your legs themselves. Do you want to try the cream?

My legs did not respond.

My legs twitched, but did not respond.

My legs mumbled, “No.”

My legs intermediately replied, “Yes, we do. That would be wonderful.”

Results for Are Your Legs Fucked Up Enough For My Risky Leg Cream Trial?

Your Legs Aren't Nearly Fucked-Up Enough For My Risky Leg Cream Trial.
Honestly, I don't know why you even took the test. Your legs are as non-fucked-up as possible, and you know it. Go find yourself a leg cream trial that's not as risky as mine and stop wasting everyone's time.

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Results for Are Your Legs Fucked Up Enough For My Risky Leg Cream Trial?

Your Legs May Someday Be Fucked Up Enough For My Risky Leg Cream Trial, But They've Got A Long Way To Go.
There's definitely some pretty fucked-up things about your legs, but not enough that I feel comfortable letting you slather yourself with such a high-risk cream. Better luck next time!

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Results for Are Your Legs Fucked Up Enough For My Risky Leg Cream Trial?

Oh, So Close! Your Legs Are Nearly Fucked Up Enough To Participate In The First Consensual Human Trial Of My Leg Cream.
Wow, you've got some really fucked-up legs, and they'd be fucked-up enough for nearly any risky leg cream trial, but my leg cream trial is so risky that I'm really only comfortable testing the most fucked-up of legs.

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Results for Are Your Legs Fucked Up Enough For My Risky Leg Cream Trial?

Your Legs Are Fucked Up Enough For My Risky Leg Cream Trial!
Jesus Christ, you've got some fucked-up legs there, pal! Definitely fucked-up enough for my risky leg cream trial, and any other risky leg-related trials around. Here's how this works: I'm going to send you a 5-gallon pail of my leg cream via a FedEx hazardous-goods shipment. There's no real instructions; just follow your instincts and do with the cream what it calls you to do. After a year, take photos of what's left of your legs and rate your legs on a scale of 1-10. That's it! For completing the trial you will receive a trial-size pouch of my leg cream. Thanks for your participation!

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