Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking? | ClickHole

1. Now, that old way to fuck, with all the gunk, flapping, and sprays—it’s really lost its zip, hasn’t it?

I swear to god, if I have to fuck the old way one more time, I’ll torch a zoo.

It sure has. Meanwhile, the new way of fucking feels like the first time you held your breath underwater without freaking out, but also if you were orgasming at the time.

In my book, there’s only one way to fuck, and it’s while being slowly run over by a parade float.

Actually, I never got the hang of it. Too many cooks in the kitchen, I think.
2. You’ve probably heard plenty of rumors about the new way of fucking, because everyone’s talking about it. So, what’s your impression of that all-new, all-American way to fuck?

It sounds like it’s miles ahead of the pathetic sweat circus of slapping and slurping that fucking’s been so far.

I can tell you firsthand that the new way of fucking pulls all the minerals out of your body and puts them next to you, and then your body deflates like an air mattress. I loved every minute of it.

I heard the new way of fucking doesn’t even take parade routes into account.

Nobody tells me anything. I have to fuck by blind instinct alone.
3. Here’s a bit of history you may not know: The new way of fucking was developed by David, Genna, and Isaiah Crowder-Derby-Penk, a Vermont throuple with a dream: to find a frictionless, odorless, fully mobile form of fucking loud enough to knock a crane stone-dead out of the sky but gentle enough to fuck out some basic origami on the way. After a decade of trial and error, they found it by chance as their RV rolled down a sunlit Vermont hillside, throwing their bodies and bits together into configurations undreamed of. Are you ready to carry on their legacy with your crotch?

If it will help erase the old way of fucking from the cum-soaked history books and drive all its practitioners into a dry riverbed where they’ll be torn apart by fuck-crazed beasts? Sure.

I was born ready, and I’ll spread the new fuck gospel until my crotch is in shreds!

I pretty much have one shot at a parade float’s wheel cutting me in half as I pump away, so I’m not going to get fancy with it.

I would not entrust myself with anything. I’m pretty sure I accidentally fucked a statue apart the other day.
4. The new way of fucking has something for everyone, and we can prove it. What qualities do you most look for in a fuck method?

“Around the world” motion

Upbeat theme song

Huge partner cradling me like a baby

Educational value

A hole for every finger

At least four fluids

Hot asphalt under me, parade float wheel above

A Sousa march blending with my partner’s gasps and onlookers’ screams

That satisfying “snap, crackle, pop!” of tire-on-pelvis

Yup, it’s got that covered!
5. Of course, not just anyone’s going to be able to dive right into the new way of fucking. You and your partner will need a strong bond of trust, elbows that bend backward, and those plastic holes they drill into the sides of cows to research their stomachs. Think you can handle it?

Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I was thinking about my young parents fucking in the old way, and then I climb through the window with a can of Raid in each hand, and I fill the room with so much Raid that my parents get nerve damage so that I am never conceived through old, awful fucking, and in that moment the time paradox is resolved and I am sucked back into my father’s penis. Please repeat the question.

Yes! My partner and I love our cow-stomach holes. When we’re not busy with the new way of fucking, we try to lob small fruit through them!

That sounds way too complicated. I’ll stick to just bribing a grand marshal and bedding down on Main Street, thanks.

That sounds like a lot of multitasking. I’m really more of a “focus on just keeping the holes my body came with open” type of person.
6. One last thing you should know about the new way of fucking: In a few isolated cases, the new way of fucking has pushed the blood of everyone involved into one partner’s body, turning them into a sort of blood-bloated Kool-Aid Man and leaving everyone else dry and brittle like old wicker. In such instances, the swollen partner has totally lost their cool, sprinted out into the street, and been gunned down by the police and concerned neighbors in a postcoital geyser of stolen blood. It’s a bit of a PR issue, so we’ve got to ask, How do you think you’d handle that situation?

I’d lurch my way to the steps of city hall, where I’d proclaim for all to hear that it was the old way of fucking that turned me into a blood-taut monster-man. Then I’d pop myself with a rake on live TV. There’s no way regular old fucking’s reputation recovers from a stunt like that.

I’d die quietly next to my partner’s husk, thrilled to have played my small part in this grand new chapter of fuck history.

Now you’re talking my language! When a parade float rolls over me, I’d burst like an overripe eggplant! The perfect end to a perfect day!

The same way I handle all my fuck mishaps: by screaming abuse at my reflection in the cracked old mirror that crushed my mother.

Results for Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

You’re Too Bitter About The Past To Try The New Way Of Fucking!
Jesus Christ, give it up already! Your seething hatred for the old way of fucking blinds you, chokes you, drags you down into the mire of the past to see the incredible groin-dissolving possibilities right in front of you! The new way of fucking demands an open heart, an untroubled mind, and a neck that can withstand an elbow drop, and while you may have that last one, you definitely don’t have the first two. Come back when you’ve made peace with the past and are ready to open your holes to the future.

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Results for Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

You’ve Already Tried The New Way Of Fucking!
Well fiedel-dee-dee! Not only were you ready to try the new way of fucking, you plunged literally headfirst into it, and it sounds like you really took to it! You’re probably bothering your friends and neighbors by constantly radiating that sickly green post-new-way-of-fucking glow, or else talking their ears off about all the holes your shoulder’s been inside. Just as Christ declared Peter the rock on which he’d build his church, your jiggling flesh will form the foundation of a vast new kingdom of fucking, the likes of which this world has never seen! Thank you for helping to usher in Fucking Year Zero!

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Results for Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

You’re Too Busy Getting Run Over By A Parade Float To Try The New Way Of Fucking!
Credit where it’s due: You know what you like, and you’re willing to go after it. Unfortunately, with your spine all mangled under the tire of a Wells Fargo Salute To Queer Culture pride parade float, you’re just not the ideal candidate to try the new way of fucking. Maybe when your splintered bones heal and your sexual horizons expand beyond the narrowest possible criteria, you’ll be ready to give the new way of fucking a try. For now, though, you go ahead and ruin that second line parade with your wriggling body.

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Results for Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

You’d Probably Kill Yourself If You Tried The New Way Of Fucking!
Boy, you really just don’t know how to fuck at all, do you? It sounds like if you tried the new way of fucking, you’d end up tearing yourself apart and flinging your chunks across the room. For you, fucking might as well be trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube in a garbage disposal: a filthy, humiliating, and meaningless exercise that will mess your fingers up real bad. Maybe fucking in general is just not for you, and your time would be better spent lying motionless under your mattress. Try it!

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