How Would You Rate Your Experience At The Hollywo...

1. When you first entered the museum lobby, were you promptly greeted by a hologram of Michael Caine complaining about his hands?: Yes, the Michael Caine hologram immediately appeared to welcome us to the museum and complain about his chronic joint pain.; Yes, but the hologram sunk into the floor until it was just Michael Caine’s head screaming that his knuckles hurt, and it terrified my spouse and children.; No, Michael Caine’s hologram did not appear to inform me about the museum’s latest attractions. A sign said that the hologram was out of order for repairs. I was therefore woefully unprepared to make the most of my day learning about arthritis and celebrities.; No, the Michael Caine hologram was there, but a group of Latvian tourists were hogging it to take photos with his swollen and painful wrists. By the time they left and I got to speak with the Michael Caine hologram, it was just two minutes until the start of the IMAX movie Tinseltown Arthritis: A Star-Studded Journey Into The Wrist, so I didn’t get a lot of time to hear him complain about his hands.

2. Did you spend the extra $12.75 to rent a pair of pain-inducing mechanical gloves, and if so, do you believe they accurately simulated celebrity arthritis throughout your museum visit?: The gloves were extremely painful when they constricted my hands, and I was very satisfied to suffer just like arthritic A-listers.; No, I did not pay to rent the gloves because I had already spent $12.75 at the hand-painting booth getting my child’s hands painted to look like Judi Dench’s anguished ones.; Although the gloves were initially painful and perfect, mine must have had a bad battery or something, because my left hand stopped hurting completely right in the middle of the 3D simulator ride Brian Dennehy’s Quest for Bursitis Relief, and I’m worried that I did not get the full arthritis experience.; It was a busy day at the museum, and you ran out of mechanical gloves before I could rent a pair. The museum staff was very polite about it, and offered to rub a pain-inducing cream on my wrists free of charge, but the cream only made my hands feel warm. If anything, the warm feeling was kind of pleasant, and did not teach me enough about arthritis in the film industry.

3. How did you like the special exhibit “DeMille To Spielberg: 100 Years Of Directors With Creaky Knees”?: It was a rare treat to see stiff knees taken from the dead bodies of so many influential directors.; The embalming fluid that preserves all the directors’ knees smells pretty bad, and some of it was leaking out of the display cases into puddles on the floor, but the exhibit was very good despite that.; I especially enjoyed seeing Akira Kurosawa’s preserved knee.; My spouse slipped in a puddle of embalming fluid, and the chemical gave them a full-body rash that shows no sign of healing, but we enjoyed the exhibit very much and would recommend it to everyone.

4. If you brought children, did they enjoy climbing the Lucille Ball Ligament Jungle Gym?: My children loved climbing on Lucille Ball’s giant swollen ligaments.; The museum air conditioning wasn’t working, and the high temperature caused the rubber of the ligaments to get slightly melted and sticky, and my child somehow got glued to Lucille Ball’s tendon. They were stuck there for over two hours before museum staff could climb up with a hacksaw to cut them free, and my child still has bits of fake wrist muscle stuck on their face.; I did not bring children, but I did enjoy climbing Ian McKellen’s spine at the BAFTA Nominee Osteoarthritis Rock Wall.; I did not bring children, so I instead visited the swanky, adults-only Scoliosis Espresso Bar to buy a James Cameron Rheumatoid Cappuccino. The cappuccino was deliciously flavored with sea-salt caramel, and the chairs were very painful to simulate spinal arthritis. Enjoying a coffee and hurting my back was a relaxing break from walking around the museum.

5. Was it both fun and informative when you prematurely aged Chris Pratt in the Hall of Future Arthritis?: Yes, it was very educational to give Chris Pratt gout and watch the computer simulation of his feet getting arthritis as a side effect.; No, it was not fun or informative because I hit a wrong button on the Arthritis Prophecy Kiosk and gave Chris Pratt so much gout he died without having time to get arthritis. Because of this I did not learn what it would be like if Chris Pratt gets gout someday and suffers arthritis of the feet as a health complication.; It was very educational to destroy Chris Pratt’s feet with arthritis, but I was disappointed to learn that the gift shop’s 3D printer was out of order and I could not get a souvenir sculpture of Chris Pratt’s ruined feet that I made to take home.; I must have visited the museum during rush season, because at least 30 Latvian tourists were in line for the Arthritis Prophecy Kiosk and I didn’t feel like waiting two hours to prematurely age Chris Pratt. I did watch some of the Latvian tourists giving Chris Pratt gout, and it seemed fun and informative, and I look forward to doing it on my next visit.

6. Are you interested in becoming a member of the Hollywood Arthritis Museum for an annual payment of $49.95? Members receive invitations to exclusive arthritis events like seeing Cloris Leachman crack her knuckles live on stage, as well as complimentary admission to seasonal celebrations like Patrick Stewart’s Yuletide Backache Ball.: Yes, I would love to sign up as a member, because if you visit the Hollywood Arthritis Museum even just three times a year, the membership pays for itself, and I plan to visit every weekend on both Saturday and Sunday.; Yes, I would like to sign up for the $89.95 family plan so my children can play in the John Wayne Touch & Feel Cartilage Exploratorium.; No, I am not interested in renewing my membership, because I feel that the museum has come to rely on fun gimmicks like the Jackie Chan Degenerative Elbows Merry-Go-Round and abandoned its core educational mission of teaching the public about the legendary history of arthritis in the film industry. However, I of course plan to buy tickets to your more intellectual exhibits like “DeMille To Spielberg” or “Sixteen Ankles: A Tribute To John Hughes.”; Yes, I plan on becoming a member even though the museum is too crowded to enjoy. When I visit every weekend there’s a half-hour wait for even permanent exhibits like the Hall of All of Buster Keaton’s Bones. It’s annoying, but I understand that it’s not your fault the Hollywood Arthritis Museum is so wonderful that everyone wants to visit.

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