Will You Give Me And My Dumb Bats A Ride To The A...

1. My dumb bats and I are taking a delightful six-day vacation to the island paradise of Mykonos. The tickets are purchased, the hotels are booked, and I have just one question to ask: What are your plans for this Sunday?: I’ve got nothing but time on my hands, baby.; This Sunday, I will be settling in to marathon all five hours of the royal wedding, an event I recorded in 2011 but am only just now getting around to watching.; I’m going to jail this Sunday afternoon to serve a sentence for quadruple homicide, even though I only committed three of the murders.

2. So getting down to brass tacks here, my bats are so dumb that they can’t echolocate properly. They belt out low-pitched moans that have absolutely no chance in hell of telling them where a bug might be, and in order to keep them healthy, I have to stick funnels in their mouths and just pour a bunch of dead moths down into them. My groaning bats are always ravenous, so I’d probably have to feed them a few times on the way to the airport. That cool?: The more moths, the merrier.; I don’t know, that sounds messy…; The reason I killed before was because someone said the word “moth.”

3. Most bats sleep hanging upside down, but my dumb bats continually lose their footing, falling to the ground and conking their soft skulls, which are the consistency of oatmeal at this point. Would you be willing to install a custom safety net in your car just in case any of my dunder-footed bats gets drowsy on the ride to the airport and wants to take a snooze?: My car has passed a bat safety inspection every year for the past six years.; It seems like you’ve got a pretty complicated setup going. I may not be fully equipped to give you the ride to the airport you and your bats deserve.; My car is so booby-trapped with deadly devices that you will probably be decapitated trying to install a custom safety net.

4. So, most of my bats don’t have a name, but there is one I call “The Hunk” because he is more svelte and shapely than the others. The Hunk hates the airport, and there’s a pretty good chance he will use his charisma and good looks to stage a revolt while in your car, violently turning the other bats against me. What would you do to help quash any rebellion my bats try to hold within your vehicle?: I would play my CD of calming reed music and let the soothing tones de-escalate the situation.; Um, just off the top of my head here…would a half-used roll of quarters help things at all?; I have already set many of your bats on fire in my mind.

5. One final thing: The last time we went to the airport, things did not go as planned, and I was betrayed by the only person I thought I could trust—my Aunt Loretta. Right as we pulled up to the curb, my cunning aunt took a 3D-printed mask of my face out of her purse and put it on. Seeing a second version of myself was too much for my simple bats to handle, and they immediately devolved into a panicked, simpleminded frenzy, idiotically hurling themselves into the windows of her Nissan Sentra. My aunt capitalized on the ensuing confusion by being the first to stand up, thus establishing herself as the clear alpha version of myself in my bats’ eyes. My dumb bats accepted her without question and followed her into the airport like rats behind the Pied Piper, even as I tried in vain to convince them that I was the true me. My Aunt Loretta stole my vacation—which was also Mykonos, because it’s the only place I am aware of—and what’s more, set my bats back several years in facial recognition. Will you pull a deceit of this magnitude on me?: That is the most gut-wrenching story I’ve ever heard. I will drive you and your moronic bats to the airport.; I’ll try to give you a ride, but I will say an almost identical thing happened to me last year, so I can’t promise one of my relatives won’t try to deceive me again.; Aunt Loretta is a legend in the murdering community. She is my idol, and I aspire to be as cold-blooded as her one day.

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