How Badly Are You Ripping Off The City Of Des Moi...

1. Are you currently living in the city of Des Moines?: I am! I was born and raised here, and I love it too much to leave!; I am. Moving here was the easiest way to execute my plan without arousing suspicion.; I’m not, but I do have a tax haven set up there for a payday loan business of mine.; I am. It’s a pretty nice city, even though my rent is triple what I paid in San Francisco, and my landlord is the mayor.

2. Did you attend the holiday tree lighting in Big City Plaza this year?: You bet. I wore my Santa pajamas, and they put me on the front page of the Des Moines Register!; I did go, but I slipped and fell on some ice, caught it all on camera, and am now suing the city for negligence.; No, I’ve never set foot in Des Moines. I couldn’t even point to it on a fucking map. But that city is making me a very rich man.; That tree was actually plugged into an extension cord, which I traced back to my front porch. I don’t know who did that, but I had to significantly alter my lifestyle in order to afford the electric bill.

3. What line of work are you in?: I work at a factory out in Waukee. Sometimes it’s tough being on my feet for eight hours, but it’s an honest day’s work!; I used to be a construction worker, but after my slip-and-fall accident, it’s hard for me to even get out of bed. I’d estimate my loss of income to be around $14 million, and I’d like the city to pay it in full.; The official answer I give on my Iowa tax forms is “business,” and that’s about as specific as I’m willing to get.; I’m an accountant earning a six-figure salary, which sounds like a lot of money until you factor in the 85 percent income tax that I am told all residents of Des Moines pay.

4. Do you have any friends in Des Moines?: I have a very close-knit group of friends here. We all went to Herbert Hoover High School together!; I have two friends in Des Moines, my wife and my cousin, and they were both witnesses to my accident. Thank goodness my cousin is a lab technician and was able to produce x-rays showing that my spine snapped in half from the fall. It’s a miracle I could even walk home that night.; I do have a man on the ground in Des Moines, but I don’t know his real name, and I’m sure he’d rat me out in a fucking second if push came to shove.; The mayor told me that having friends is illegal here.

5. Are you currently receiving any tax credits from the state of Iowa?: Just a small one for raising my two little Des Moinesians!; No, I’ve been advised not to accept any money from the state until I have my day in court.; Tons of them. I somehow got the state to pay two thousand bucks a month so I can take swimming lessons, for Christ’s sake. I don’t even know if there’s a fucking pool there.; I don’t receive any tax credits, but I do pay the mayor’s cellphone bill every month, which I am told is tradition for any newcomer to Des Moines.

6. What’s your favorite season in Iowa?: Fall. The leaves start changing colors and the air gets perfectly crisp.; Well, my favorite season WAS winter, but ever since I slipped on that ice, the mere sight of a Christmas tree sends me into a full-body panic attack. This is why I am also suing for emotional damages.; Spring. Tax season, baby.; Summer. That’s when the mayor says he will consider giving back my car, which he’s been borrowing.

7. This is the Iowa State Capitol. Did you know that there are almost 100 ounces of real gold in that dome?: Incredible! What a beautiful symbol of our city’s prosperity.; That gold is technically an asset, and the city is going to have to liquidate it in order to pay me what I am rightfully owed.; This has inspired me to finally visit the city of Des Moines, and I am bringing my fucking ladder with me.; Yes, of course I knew about the dome. The mayor melted down one of my grandmother’s necklaces because he needed to patch a hole in it.

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