Are You Secure Enough To Handle A Few Digs About ...

1. Let’s start off small here and work our way up. Collecting porcelain doves is a total waste of time. How do you respond?: Hey, to each their own! It’s great to get a non-collector’s perspective on it.; You have a right to your opinion, but these marvelous clay birds helped me quit smoking.; Stop it right now. You can say whatever you want about me, but the doves are off limits.; Oh, really, asshole? That’s funny, because the only “waste of time” I can think of is the 15 seconds it took your dad to jizz inside your mother and create you. Go fuck yourself.

2. Here’s another relatively easy pill to swallow. Your porcelain doves look way too fragile. Like, way more fragile than regular porcelain.: Ha, no arguments there! They shatter at the lightest touch.; But that is part of their beauty. As the old adage goes, “The frailer the dove, the more gently we love.”; This is a needlessly cruel thing to say. I worry enough about them breaking as is.; Do you have a fucking point? You can rip a stamp right in half. Why don’t you go rag on a stamp collector instead and leave me and my doves alone?

3. The way your 14 doves are arranged across the mantel, it sort of looks like they’re meant to be a set. But in terms of color and size, they really do not match at all.: Oh, brother! Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.; I happen to take a lot of pride in the diversity of my birds, and if you don’t, that’s really more of a reflection on you.; What gives you the right to say something like that? Are you some expert on my porcelain birds?; Listen, dipshit. It’s called a fucking collection because I collect them from different places. Or is that too much for your tiny little inbred brain to comprehend?

4. Let’s take a quick break from the insults. Please choose the statement that best describes your collection of porcelain doves.: My dove collection is just for fun.; My dove collection holds some sentimental value.; Each dove is inextricably linked to some facet of my personal life, and I cannot view them impartially.; Oh no you don’t, Captain Shit. I’m already riled up to a goddamn 12 since you ran your mouth about my brood of figurine doves, and “taking a break” is not gonna cool my motor one fucking degree. Comprende?

5. Just a heads-up, this next diss is going to be brutal: Your doves are completely worthless, and when you die they’re going right in the trash because all of your closest friends and family have secretly hated them and, by extension, you, and they will be happy that you are dead. People will take turns smashing your precious doves on your gravestone, which is unmarked.: Interesting! They’re actually worth about $40, but you can’t put a price on the memories they’ve given me.; They aren’t worthless at all. Once I get 20 of them, I can trade them for a porcelain hawk.; I am completely sick over this remark. My doves are my only legacy.; Actually, motherfucker, when I die my doves are going to be pulverized into a fine powder and sprinkled around my local arboretum along with my ashes. So why don’t you go eat a fucking dick?

6. Imagine this hypothetical scenario: You’re hosting a game night in your living room when one of your friends begins to eye your mantel. He eventually turns to you, indicating the collection of porcelain doves, and asks, “What the fuck are those? Was the store all out of porcelain vomit?” How would you respond to your friend?: I’d laugh it off and say it’s just a little hobby.; I’d gently suggest that perhaps he try to culture himself.; I’d excuse myself to the bathroom and run the shower while I cried on the toilet.; I’d slit his fucking throat and make him an example to the rest.

8. The previous remark was sarcastic. That dove is the worst of them all.: Zing!!! I walked right into that!; If you have a comment to make about that particular dove, I’d prefer if you kept it constructive.; I am a shell of the person I was before you made this comment.; You wanna know the story behind that dove, dickweed? My fucking grandmother gave me that porcelain dove on her deathbed, and you know what she said to me as she placed it into my hands? She told me to shove it up your fucking ass.

9. Let’s imagine one more hypothetical. You bring your porcelain birds to a special dove collector’s conference in Phoenix, AZ. Collectors from all over the world stop by your booth, and their feedback is less than favorable. Here are just a few quotes from your fellow collectors: “If doves are such a symbol of peace, how come looking at your booth makes me want to fucking kill myself? I heard Israel and Palestine were ready to settle on a two-state solution until they saw one of these heinous doves”; “I’ve spent my whole life appraising porcelain doves, and these make me want to kill myself”; and “I’d stick my whole arm down a garbage disposal and flip the switch on high, if I could hold one of your doves in my hand while I was doing it.” How would you respond?: I would take it all in stride and just view it as another opportunity to better myself.; I’d take note of their comments in my collector’s journal, although I can’t say I’d agree with them.; I would immediately drive back to the Holiday Inn, pack my bags, and catch the next flight home.; I would go table to table with a mallet and smash each of their collections to pieces, and I would not stop until somebody put me in jail.

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