Are You Older Than My Landlord?

1. Full disclosure, I don’t know my landlord very well. I’ve lived in this apartment complex for three years, and he’s always lived two floors above me. In that time I guess I’ve gotten a handful of clues as to how old he might be, but besides that I’m basically just going off a hunch. You cool with that?: I understand, and I hope that I am older than your landlord.; I understand and wish you luck in making something of an educated guess.; I bet I’m your landlord.; That’s fine.

2. Okay. So I’ve been in my landlord’s apartment a couple times, and I feel like some of his stuff dates him at least a little bit, so I guess we can start there. To compare, which of these things are hanging on your wall?: A picture of me in army gear with some other soldiers, each holding six WWII era rifles; A framed poster of Buzz Aldrin signed with the inscription, “Can you please tell me where the bathroom is.”; A picture of my three sons stacked in a human pyramid with me lying face down underneath them.; Some pictures of my family, with a few pictures of decoy families to throw people off the scent.; Hmmm. Interesting. My landlord has a piece of paper with “1979” scribbled on it taped to his wall, but the ”1979” is crossed out and below it he wrote, “false year.” That and a picture of Mikhail Gorbachev signed by Patrick Swayze are the only decorations in his apartment.

3. The only hard piece of evidence I have about my landlord’s age is that he remembers the lunar landing well. I know this to be true because he brings it up almost every time I see him, so we should try to use that. If someone were to knock on your door to give you their rent check, which of these statements would you be most likely to mutter about the moon landing?: “I was not impressed by the lunar landing. I thought of the idea of landing on the moon before the government did, so when I saw the astronauts walk around up there, I thought about how much worse they were doing it than I would.”; “Buzz Aldrin screamed my name on the moon, which is how I earned one medal from the government.”; “My father was very excited for the lunar landing until he saw the moon on television. I don’t think he fully understood where the lunar landing was going to be beforehand, and he did not handle the surprise well.”; “I wasn’t alive for the lunar landing, but from what I’ve heard it seems like it was fine.”

4. I feel like some of my landlord’s physical attributes hint at his age at least a little, so fill in this sentence the way you are most accustomed to saying it: “My neck becomes ________ every morning.”: more loose and damp like a warm bay of hair; more blistered and boiling hot, but getting much hotter; tighter like a clenched, swollen fist infected with pus and shit; an inch wide in circumference

5. My landlord has three sons who have to either live in my building or somewhere close to it, because I see them around pretty often. This helps gauge my landlord’s age a little bit, but the problem is that I can’t pin down their ages either. So, which of these things are you most used to seeing your kids do outside of your apartment building?: Two of them stacking up on top of each other’s shoulders to form one very tall son, beating the shit out of the normal-sized one, then rotating positions.; One screaming, “If anyone needs a haircut, I’ll be out front for 40 more minutes,” from the lawn while the other two get bullied by local school children.; Jimmying bricks out of the sidewalk with a crowbar and tossing them into the trunk of their 2003 Ford Taurus. Those are my sons, all right.; Because I am prepubescent, I don’t have kids.

6. I once had a mouse infestation and when I talked with my landlord about it, he was pretty weird about the whole situation. I’m thinking our differences of opinion may have been a generational thing. If someone living in your building told you that he was having a mouse problem, which action would you most likely take?: Put wet dog food on the floor and surround it with six loaded WWII era rifles, then leave it untouched for one week.; Leave several sharpened pool sticks in the tenant’s bed and shower while he or she is at work.; Have your three grown sons stake out the infested apartment in a 2003 Ford Taurus with a trunk full of bricks, and tell the tenant to holler for them whenever they see a mouse.; Set up a few mouse traps, arranged so that they’ll go off to the tempo of “Master Of Puppets” if a bunch of mice pour out of the nest at once.

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