Can You Suggest A Good Haircut For Men With Small...

1. Before we get started, I must explain to you the truth about my meager face. My horrible mouth is a pinhole through which I cannot even lick a Dum Dum, the official lollipop of banks. When I try to whistle, it is in a frequency higher than a dog can hear. As a child, my baby teeth fell out, and smaller teeth grew in their place. Do you understand how small my cursed mouth is?: I understand, and I am intrigued.; All my friends and family have large mouths; I cannot begin to comprehend how a mouth as small as yours is possible.; I wish I could hear you, but your mouth is so small, your voice is little more than a squeak. Would you mind speaking up?; As someone who cannot even squeeze a toothpick between his lips to pick his tiny teeth, I understand your struggle, and I am here to help.

2. I am looking for a haircut that will complement my twisted and paltry mouth. Should I grow my locks into a long, flowing mane, or should I slice them all off to emphasize my sideburns?: Long or short, I think any haircut would complement that cute, tiny face.; Everyone knows that the best hairstyle for large-mouthed folks is a mohawk. You could try giving that a shot.; Once again, I’m having a tough time hearing exactly what you’re saying. You seem like a nice guy, and I’d love to help you with whatever you need, provided I can actually find out what that is.; Speaking as someone for whom smoking even a single cigarette is unequivocally a non-starter, tragically, I can confirm that long locks will only dwarf mouths such as ours even further.

3. Each day I agonize over this question, upon which public perception of my puny mouth depends: Could I pull off bangs?: I would love to sweep your bangs out of your eyes, then give you one dry kiss on your shriveled matchstick lips. No bangs would also look great. Kissing is really the endgame here.; Forget bangs. What you’re looking for is something that’s short on the sides, long and spikey in the middle. At least, that’s what I’d recommend to someone with a giant mouth. Is this helpful to you?; I’m really trying my best here. Do you have some sort of magnifying glass or telescope you could use to make your mouth larger so I can hear you better?; I have been working my way through the same tube of chapstick since I was four, so with certainty I can declare that a luscious sidesweep is not in your—or my—future.

4. As a man with a small mouth, I enjoy many hobbies, such as horseback riding and not talking to God because he cannot hear my muted prayers. Is the haircut that you recommend suited to my beloved pastimes?: I recommend the fastest haircut possible, so we can hop on your horse and ride into the sunset as one.; My many large-mouthed friends will often unhinge their jaws and swallow burritos whole for the sport of it. A mohawk helps them stay streamlined while doing so. What it would do for you, I truly cannot fathom.; I entered into this conversation with the best of intentions, but not even a mouse would be able to hear your shrill-but-silent squeak of a voice. This is your last warning. SPEAK. UP.; To eat a Vienna sausage is a dream I know I shall never achieve. A halo of tightly wound curls would both suit your face and your extracurriculars, my friend.

5. Though my infernal mouth is microscopic, my enormous stomach demands constant attention. Would the haircut you’re suggesting also be able to distract from my titan of a belly?: I know a hunger that goes far deeper than any food can satisfy. It is the hunger for tiny kisses, and I am starving.; As my many friends often tell me, nothing says “look at my large mouth and tiny waist” like a mohawk!; That’s it. I’m done. With a mouth as small as yours, you deserve whatever’s coming to you.; My friend, I know your pain, for you and I are the same. My dentist is a toddler, but my barber is an adult, and he has bestowed upon me the luscious curls you see before you today. A perm is what you need!