1. 1. We should get this out of the way right off the bat: Are any of these going to be a problem vis-à-vis keeping your stomach contents down?

    Great, thanks.

  2. 2. My insatiable husband-to-be and I are planning an emotionally, spiritually, and physically draining gauntlet of a Dutch wedding that will leave everyone involved dehydrated, totally hairless, and partially deafened. And if my special day doesn’t go off perfectly, I’m going to spend my wedding night shredding my husband Delkin’s penis and neck with my long, immaculate fingernails, and our marriage will be DOA. So, how well-versed are you in the rich and extralegal traditions of the Dutch wedding?
  3. 3. It’s clichéd, but it’s true: A Dutch wedding without a strict dress code is like a seagull without a brain. As the officiant, it’s your job to strictly enforce it. We’ll provide the tranquilizer darts and gladiator’s net to eject violators with, if you can prove you know what guests should wear:
  4. 4. A Dutch wedding, of course, kicks off with the March Of The Two Very Stunned Boys, who stumble down the aisle, their cheeks stuffed with our rings, to symbolize how love is in many ways like two very stunned boys who’re pretty likely to choke on a ring. For our mine-collapse of a wedding, we’ve picked out a pair of kicky young twin orphans from the local kid lost-and-found, but stunning them falls to you. How will you get these boys good and stunned, in keeping with our busted-ass take on the noble practices of old Amsterdam?
  5. 5. In what might as well be the Dutch tradition, both families will symbolize their participation in our union by filling a single wicker hamper with as much saliva as they can muster, and all the body hair they can pluck. You’ll have to upend the spit basket over me and my throbbing young husband, dissolving our crepe paper outfits and baptizing us as one in the eyes of our Dutch “God.” Can we count on you to stay conscious despite the spit smell long enough to deliver an appropriate reading?
  6. 6. Finally, a fun one! No Dutch wedding is truly heinous unless it’s a colossal waste of time and resources, and that’s what the dough drop is for. As our forearms are welded together into permanent conjoined bliss, you’ll shove a painstakingly handcrafted rowboat full of a 100-year-old sourdough culture out of the cathedral bell tower, distracting the audience from our screams and bringing the ceremony to a close. Can you tell which of these sourdough cultures is old enough to be worth wasting by dropping it on the filthy fucking ground?
  • Results for Do You Have The Guts To Officiate My Heinous Dutch Wedding?

    You'd Do A Fine Job Officiating My Heinous Dutch Wedding!

    Well, well! Looks like we've got a perfectly adequate officiant on our hands. Between stunning children and collecting human spit, you've got all the skills and just enough guts to steer my heinous Dutch wedding correctly. My frothing fiancé and I are lucky to have you in our corner, and we look forward to seeing you at the altar, and then later, crouched beneath our marital bed, as your role demands. Well done!
  • Results for Do You Have The Guts To Officiate My Heinous Dutch Wedding?

    You're The Perfect Officiant For My Heinous Dutch Wedding!

    My God, what a rare treat: a true connoisseur of the venerable traditions of the Dutch. With your belly full of chutzpah and your head full of Netherlands knowledge, you're the ideal candidate to make my awful Dutch wedding one for the forbidden record books. You've probably seen terrible, terrible things in your time, unspeakable, Boschian weddings dredged up from ancient Dutch nightmares, and we can't wait for you to throw some inspiration from them onto our vision board. Congratulations, you're a catch!
  • Results for Do You Have The Guts To Officiate My Heinous Dutch Wedding?

    Shut The Fuck Up About Your Dumbass Peruvian Wedding!

    Jesus Christ almighty, where do you get off? One way or another, I'm having a heinous Dutch wedding, and when you mouth off about the piddling bullshit of the Peruvians, all I hear is "mweh-mweh-mweh-mweh-mweh!" That's the sound of an ass trying to speak like a man! If we ever wanted a flippy-dippy wedding straight out of Storybook Junction, we'd stab a tree tapper into our necks to drain the testosterone out of our bodies, and hopefully die in the process. You'll never officiate my Dutch wedding, so fuck right off into prison. "Fabulous Peruvian wedding," my chapped ass.
  • Results for Do You Have The Guts To Officiate My Heinous Dutch Wedding?

    Stay Away From My Goddamned Husband, You Sexual Demon!

    It's you! The creature who haunts my husband's most turgid dreams, whose broken-off thumbnail is permanently lodged in his thigh! The only one who could destroy our blissful future together by sabotaging our heinous Dutch wedding with your body and musk! I don't care what kind of past you and my relentless lover have together; he's mine now, and you're just dust from the past, scraped into a fuckable form. I'm spitting just thinking about you! You stay far away from us, or you'll taste each of my knuckles, one at a time!

I am 18 or over and willing to view sexually explicit material