1. 1. On Owl Hour, there are owls. Therefore, before you can appear on Owl Hour, we must gauge your prior experience with owls. How have you encountered owls in the past?
  2. 2. The host of Owl Hour is broadcast legend Shelby Thunder. At the beginning of the show, a cage filled with angry owls is lowered from the ceiling, with Shelby Thunder screaming inside the cage as the owls try very hard to kill him. When the cage is 30 feet above the ground, it stops lowering, and Shelby Thunder has to open the door and jump out of it. When he lands on the ground from this height, he is regularly knocked unconscious, and the contestants of the show must revive him. How would you resuscitate Shelby Thunder?
  3. 3. After host Shelby Thunder regains consciousness, he will begin the first round of Owl Hour, which is called “Shelby’s Lost Treasures.” In this round, Shelby Thunder will ask you trivia questions about things that owls have stolen from him in the past. Which of these books about Shelby Thunder’s lost treasures will you read to prepare for this round?
  4. 4. We must now test your general knowledge of owls. Please identify which of these four owls is DEAD.
  5. 5. Owl Hour is the second-highest-rated owl game show in America. The highest-rated owl game show is called Owl Crisis: Celebrity Edition. On this show, a contestant gets into a parked car that has an owl in the driver’s seat, and they tell the owl all of the movies that they know. They get a point for every movie they name, but it doesn’t matter because there is only one contestant. At the end of the show, a special celebrity guest climbs into the car and drives it off a cliff. The celebrity guest, the owl, and the contestant are all killed. People love this show because everyone dies, and there is a celebrity. The celebrity guest is always Michael Cera. His celebrity catchphrase is “How am I back?” and when he says it the crowd goes wild. Why do you think you would be a better contestant on Owl Hour than on Owl Crisis: Celebrity Edition?
  6. 6. Owls are truly disgusting. They are the Pigs of the Sky. The most horrendous owl of all is a 90-pound owl named Satan’s Vacation. Satan’s Vacation is too fat to fly because she ate too many towels. In order to move around, she rides on the back of a dying tortoise named Boyfriend Sr. Every few minutes during Owl Hour, an alarm goes off and Satan’s Vacation rides out on her tortoise and bites Shelby Thunder’s eyeball. While Shelby Thunder is yelling about his eyeball, each contestant must announce why they are in love with Satan’s Vacation. Why are you in love with Satan’s Vacation?
  7. 7. Owls are truly disgusting, and they surely bring Stink to the Earth. The set of Owl Hour smells as if a pet store married low tide. Every 10 minutes, the Professional Stink of owls makes host Shelby Thunder pass out. While Shelby Thunder is unconscious, each contestant must shout an owl fact at him for the opportunity to get an Owl Point (redeemable for cigarettes). Which owl fact will you scream at Shelby Thunder while he is unconscious in order to get your Owl Point?
  8. 8. Many of the questions on Owl Hour are about an owl’s emotions and deepest feelings. To demonstrate your skill in this area, please identify which of these owls is UNHAPPY.
  9. 9. “Gaaaaaaaaah! Ooooooooh!”
  10. 10. At the end of Owl Hour, the losing contestants are sent to the hospital to be killed, and the winning contestant is given a fabulous prize. Triumphant music plays as the horrible, obese owl named Satan’s Vacation comes riding onto the stage on her dying tortoise, Boyfriend Sr. Satan’s Vacation presents the winner of the game with the official Owl Hour trophy, which is a boot filled with cigarette butts that she found in the sewer. It is her greatest treasure. How will you thank Satan’s Vacation for this trophy?

  • Results for Would You Make A Good Contestant On Owl Hour, America’s 2nd-Highest-Rated Owl Game Show?

    You Are Destined To Become An 'Owl Hour' Champion!

    Wonderful news! Based on the information you have provided, it appears that you would become the ultimate winner of 'Owl Hour'! Your owl skills are unmatched. You know all the secrets about owls. When you find a dead owl in your bathroom, you smile and say, “Oh, I know all about that.” You are the one who will get the boot that Satan’s Vacation has filled with cigarettes. At the end of the show, Shelby Thunder will climb back into the cage filled with owls, and the owls will once again try very hard to kill him as the cage is lifted up into the rafters. As Shelby Thunder ascends toward the ceiling, he will scream, “Please help me! They are going to eat my calcium.” And you will point at your boot filled with cigarettes and say, “Tell it to the boot, numbskull!” And that is because you are the grand champion of 'Owl Hour' and nobody can tell you what to do ever again. Congratulations!

  • Results for Would You Make A Good Contestant On Owl Hour, America’s 2nd-Highest-Rated Owl Game Show?

    You Would Make A Good Contestant On 'Owl Hour'!

    Here is a thin trickle of happy news for you! Based on the data you have provided, it turns out that you would make a good contestant on 'Owl Hour'! You have a deep understanding of owls that guides your life and makes your soul ready for heaven. When you see an owl, you say some smart things like, “That’s an owl,” and when you see a pretzel, you say things like, “That is not an owl.” If you were to appear on an episode of 'Owl Hour,' you would be a worthy competitor, and you might even win the boot that Satan’s Vacation has filled with cigarettes! At the end of the show, Shelby Thunder will climb back into the cage filled with owls, and the owls will once again try very hard to kill him as the cage is lifted up into the rafters. As Shelby Thunder ascends toward the ceiling, he will scream, “Please help me. They are going to eat my calcium.” And you will wave to him and say, “The important thing is that I had fun!” You have a bright future ahead of you as far as 'Owl Hour' is concerned. Congratulations!

  • Results for Would You Make A Good Contestant On Owl Hour, America’s 2nd-Highest-Rated Owl Game Show?

    You Would Make A Bad Contestant On 'Owl Hour'!

    There is horrible news for you and your loved ones! Based on the data you have provided, it turns out that you make a terrible contestant on 'Owl Hour'! You barely even know what an owl is, and when you see an owl, you point at it and say things like, “It looks like I have found a moccasin,” or, “Here is a new mystery for my life.” If you appeared on 'Owl Hour,' you would almost certainly come in last place. At the end of the show, Shelby Thunder will climb back into the cage filled with owls, and the owls will once again try very hard to kill him as the cage is lifted up into the rafters. As Shelby Thunder ascends toward the ceiling, he will scream, “Please help me. They are going to eat my calcium.” And you will wave to him and say, “Gluhh…” You will say this because you are very stupid when it comes to owls. Never come anywhere near 'Owl Hour'! Congratulations!

  • Results for Would You Make A Good Contestant On Owl Hour, America’s 2nd-Highest-Rated Owl Game Show?

    You Are Better Suited To Appear On 'Owl Crisis: Celebrity Edition'! [image: a car flying off of a cliff]

    Fascinating news! Based on the data you have provided, it appears that you are not suited to be a contestant on 'Owl Hour.' Instead, you are far better suited to become a contestant on Americas highest-rated owl game show, 'Owl Crisis: Celebrity Edition'! You seem to love yelling the names of movies you have seen, which is one of the main things on 'Owl Crisis: Celebrity Edition.' Your skill of yelling movie titles makes you uniquely qualified to climb into a car that has an owl in it and tell the owl a list of all the movies you have seen. As an added bonus, you will get to meet Michael Cera. He will drive the car off of a cliff without blinking, and you, Michael Cera, and the owl will all get to die on TV. You’ll never be on 'Owl Hour,' but you may one day become the champion of 'Owl Crisis: Celebrity Edition'! Congratulations!
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