Nope! When this vaguely phallic line rolls around, Mr. Bradford is the one who really hams it up by asking incredulously if Lady Macbeth could really be talking about what he thinks she’s talking about, clearly under the impression that finding out that Shakespeare was aware of sex is the key to getting high schoolers interested in the material.

Sorry! That’s Mr. Ciotta, who’s almost definitely sleeping with Ms. Givens, the guidance counselor, but keeps things pretty dry and boring in class.

Nope! When this vaguely phallic line rolls around, Mr. Bradford is the one who really hams it up by asking incredulously if Lady Macbeth could really be talking about what he thinks she’s talking about, clearly under the impression that finding out that Shakespeare was aware of sex is the key to getting high schoolers interested in the material.

Nope! That’s Mr. Gelson, who refuses to acknowledge sex at all and goes out of his way to speed past passages that even vaguely reference it, only ever referring to it as “the act” and only when cornered.

Sorry! Mr. Reid is the one who spent, like, 10 minutes sitting on Robin Li’s desk making the class guess what’s an “ample proposition” and has “veins” and “promis’d largeness,” taking his wedding ring on and off the whole time. He’s really fixated on all the sex parts since his wife had the baby, and this was no exception!

Sorry! Mr. Reid is the one who spent, like, 10 minutes sitting on Robin Li’s desk making the class guess what’s an “ample proposition” and has “veins” and “promis’d largeness,” taking his wedding ring on and off the whole time. He’s really fixated on all the sex parts since his wife had the baby, and this was no exception!

Sorry! Ms. Alexey’s the one who’s big into having students act out the Shakespeare she teaches, and she always directs whoever’s playing Macbeth to really FEEL the raw, masculine sexuality of these lines while sweeping her arms around, making all the metal bits on her shawls clink together. There’s a rumor she used to sleep with Sting, and based on her whole vibe, there’s really no reason not to believe it.

Nope! That’s Mr. Scavone, who just takes any opportunity to play the class a Tool song that has even a passing relationship to the material he’s teaching, which gets him a little cult following of boys who bring lighters to school.

Sorry! Ms. Alexey’s the one who’s big into having students act out the Shakespeare she teaches, and she always directs whoever’s playing Macbeth to really FEEL the raw, masculine sexuality of these lines while sweeping her arms around, making all the metal bits on her shawls clink together. There’s a rumor she used to sleep with Sting, and based on her whole vibe, there’s really no reason not to believe it.

Nope! That’s Mrs. Pedrosa, who started Election over from the blow-job scene at the beginning of class on Friday even though the class watched, like, 10 minutes past it on Thursday because she believes even unhealthy depictions of sexuality expand young minds to their bodies’ possibilities.

Sorry! When he’s not leaving his motorcycle helmet out on his desk conspicuously, Mr. Ivers is the one who takes the whole “young teacher” thing way too far by acting like it’s some big secret they don’t want you to know that Shakespeare made sex puns, and only he’s badass enough to let the class in on it. It’s truly gross how many kids have crushes on him, since he practically sweats Drakkar Noir.

Sorry! When he’s not leaving his motorcycle helmet out on his desk conspicuously, Mr. Ivers is the one who takes the whole “young teacher” thing way too far by acting like it’s some big secret they don’t want you to know that Shakespeare made sex puns, and only he’s badass enough to let the class in on it. It’s truly gross how many kids have crushes on him, since he practically sweats Drakkar Noir.

Nope! That’s Mr. Gunnar, who got fired for telling Miles Bashir’s friends he hoped they’d drive drunk after they egged his car in the parking lot, so he’s not teaching English anymore!

Sorry! Mrs. O’Hare is the one who takes great pains to make sure everyone in class understands that Hamlet is talking about his mother having sex with his uncle, but with her memory going, she just hammers it home over and over to the same few students. It’s unclear whether how profoundly old she is makes it better or worse!

Sorry! Mrs. O’Hare is the one who takes great pains to make sure everyone in class understands that Hamlet is talking about his mother having sex with his uncle, but with her memory going, she just hammers it home over and over to the same few students. It’s unclear whether how profoundly old she is makes it better or worse!

Sorry! It’s actually Mr. Williams who embarrasses himself by summarizing all of Romeo And Juliet in an original rap complete with a shitty homemade backing track, citing these lines in the last verse and following them up with a truly awful pun on “boning.” For Christ’s sake, he’s 40.

Sorry! It’s actually Mr. Williams who embarrasses himself by summarizing all of Romeo And Juliet in an original rap complete with a shitty homemade backing track, citing these lines in the last verse and following them up with a truly awful pun on “boning.” For Christ’s sake, he’s 40.

Nope! That’s Ms. Tyson, who makes every class a silent reading session so she can spend the whole period hissing out a hushed, furious phone call with her divorce lawyer.