Are You Enough Of A Tough Guy To Make Up For Your...

1. Ever since your birth made the front page of a local newspaper with the headline “The Lashed Wonder Is Born,” the lengthy lashes adorning your eyeballs have been the foremost thing people identify you with. Odds are at some point in life you’ve been referred to as “Prince Long Lash” or “The Luscious Lash Lad” or “Eye Swain” or “The Gentleman Who Kisses With A Blink.” How do you respond to those kind of comments?: I grab the person’s head, yank out their eyelashes, glue them onto the ends of my own eyelashes to make them even longer, and bark, “Damn right.”; I get self-conscious and try to trim my eyelashes to a less remarkable length.; I flex all my muscles, beg them to notice the throbbing veins I’ve achieved through exercise, and ask that they recognize the veins as my “thing” instead of my eyelashes.; I blush, give them a flirtatious eye flutter, and then put a cigar out on my palm.

2. Your eyelashes are so heavenly long that even though you did wrestling in high school to prove that you were a hardcore goon-to-the-bone, you won several championships only because the lashes would constantly tickle your opponents into submission. The coaches even engraved your trophy with “1st Place In Cute-As-Hell Eyelashes” instead of “All-State Wrestling Champion.” Nowadays, when you accidentally tickle someone with your lengthy lashes, what do you smash to let them know you didn’t mean to?: Their car, and their family’s cars, too.; Oh, I could never do something so nasty, never.; I wouldn’t smash anything, but rather just get really tense and arrange my veins so they spell out, “That was a mistake, but aren’t these even more notable?”; I tickle myself with my eyelashes every time I blink, so I must smash my own car.

3. Over the years, you’ve found that people are unable to help themselves from commenting on your delightfully long eye plumage. If you had a nickel for every time a priest has stopped a church service just to tell you that your eyelashes will go to heaven even if you don’t, you’d be rich AND blessed with length of lash. If someone were to ask you if your eyelashes were real, extensions, or charming little skis that Tinkerbell uses to slide around the top of cupcakes on, what would you say?: “Listen up you fuckass piece of shit, my eyelashes are all-natural bird spikes, because I’m the kind of hard motherfucker who’s constantly getting ospreys and military drones in his eyes instead of gnats and small debris.”; “Hey... please don’t make fun of me.”; “Um, shouldn’t you be mocking my veins?”; “Aw, you’re making me blush! I hear that all the time. In fact, the pile of glass shards I’m dating just told me that yesterday as I was getting an anesthetic-free spinal tap while flossing with barbed wire.”

5. When people at the gym thank you for “being such a sweetheart” because your frondlike lashes fan them and keep them cool, how do you make them realize that you’re the human offspring of an elephant bull in musth and a handle of Wild Turkey infused with Mark McGwire’s steroid piss?: I lock the doors of the weight room so no one can get in or out, I turn the heat up to 100 degrees so that my eyelashes are unable to cool anyone down in the slightest, and I do burpees until they take it back.; I sigh, go back to struggling to bench-press 20 pounds, hyperventilate, walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, get self-conscious around all the strong guys, and then go home.; I close my eyes and work out harder to get more veins. I can’t keep letting my long eyelashes get in the way of my confidence and personal goals anymore.; I coyly wink, gesturing for them to come closer and enjoy the breeze just before slamming 45-lb. dumbbells onto my knees until they’re reversed like a flamingo’s. From there, I do more squats.

6. Lastly, be honest: Is there a line of people next to you who’ve brought their kids to pet your eyelashes? Are you going to get in their face and scream?: Yes, and yes.; Yes, and no. I’d rather not scare anyone.; Yes, and not unless they ask to pet my veins, too.; No, and yes.

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