Do You Have What It Takes To Show The Ninja Turtl...

1. The turtles have virtually no knowledge of spirituality or religion, so you’ll need to fill them in on the basics before you even enter the sanctuary. How would you explain the concepts of God and Satan to them?

I would say, “God is like a grand, cosmic version of Master Splinter. Wise, benevolent, and powerful, he teaches us what’s right and wrong, and he protects all of humanity from forces of evil. Satan is like a grand, cosmic version of Shredder. He spreads chaos and depravity wherever he goes, and he thrives on the suffering of mankind.”

I would say, “God is the 40-foot-tall thunder ghost whose toxic green saliva mutated you into deformed abominations. Satan’s the red guy standing off to the side admiring God’s handiwork.”

I would say, “God is the strong, nice dad from outer space who watches you when you use the toilet, but does so respectfully. Satan is the strong, mean dad from the Earth’s core who also watches you use the toilet but is very unprofessional about it.”

I would say, “God and Satan are immortal beings who really shouldn’t concern you since you don’t have souls.”
2. When the Ninja Turtles arrive at church, other worshippers will likely be upset by their disturbing appearance. How will you keep the Turtles from becoming self-conscious?

I will reassure them that God created them in his image, and even though people may be nauseated by their grotesque appearance, they should not be discouraged, for it’s their inner beauty that truly matters.

I will tell them about how God’s own son, Jesus, was crucified by the Romans, and how people at the time were appalled by his marred appearance upon the cross. And I will tell them that though they, like the crucified Jesus, have been forsaken by God and made into hideous examples of the consequences of mankind’s sin, there is a chance that their repulsive afflictions, like Christ’s, will one day be celebrated as universal symbols of love and redemption.

I will put garbage bags over their heads to shield them from the people’s stares.

I do not believe that they have the social intelligence to pick up on other people’s reactions, but, just to be safe, I will loudly snap my fingers in front of their snouts to distract them from their surroundings.
3. Just so you know, the Ninja Turtles suffer from a bit of face blindness, and as a result, they tend to think that every human woman is April O’Neil. Don’t be surprised if you catch them trying to hug random women in the middle of a Gospel reading or give them rides on their shoulders because they believe they’re April O’Neil.

I will be mindful of this, and I will make sure to intervene should the Turtles do anything inappropriate. The church is a place of decency.

I will tape signs to the Turtles’ chests explaining their condition so that the women know to be alert.

I will put garbage bags over their heads so that they do not look at any ladies before, during, or after the service.

I will let the Turtles touch the ladies.
4. The Ninja Turtles’ shells are large and unwieldy, and it could be awkward, uncomfortable, or even dangerous for them to maneuver their way into a pew. What will you do to ensure that they get seated comfortably in a pew without causing too much commotion or crushing other congregants with their immense shells?

I will politely ask the other congregants to move to the far end of the pew so that the Ninja Turtles can have the seats nearest the aisle. I will lubricate their shells with WD-40 to make sure that they can slide into the row with ease, and I will affix pillows to the back of the pew in front of them so that their bulbous foreheads do not grind painfully against the hard wood, should their immense shells force them to hunch forward.

I will avoid the pews altogether and have them sit in the baptismal pool, as its wet and spacious dimensions will remind them of their sewer and put them at ease.

I will have them retract their heads and limbs into their shells and then have the congregants pass them offering plate-like down the row until they arrive at an open seat.

I will pry them out of their shells, leaving them nude and vulnerable, so that they can fit in the pews.
5. The main thing that excites the Ninja Turtles about church is celibacy. It seems like maybe they’re under the impression that everyone who goes to church has to be celibate for the rest of their lives, and that’s basically their dream. They’ll probably ask a lot of questions about it, and while obviously their theology is pretty misguided, you’ll need to be delicate in how you correct their understanding of things so it’s not too devastating for them.

Sure, no prob.

Um…okay.

I will get them laid.
6. Michelangelo and Raphael don’t know how to read. This means that they can’t follow along in the hymnals and they can’t participate in the scripture readings. What will you do to make sure they don’t feel left out?

I will take them to Sunday School, where the activities will be better suited toward their limited intellectual capabilities.

I will tell them that they can shout “amen” whenever they feel like participating.

I will bring colored pencils and notepads so that they can quietly draw.

I wouldn’t make any particular effort to make them feel included because I don’t think that giant turtles have feelings like humans do.
7. The Ninja Turtles have been practicing praying at home, but they still haven’t figured out how to do it without hissing. It’s not a quiet hiss, either—everyone in the church would hear. How do you think you’d handle something like that?

I would politely suggest that they forego praying and just sit silently in their seats, explaining that they don’t need to speak for God to know what’s in their hearts.

I would stuff washcloths in their mouths to muffle the noise.

I would take them for a bathroom break during prayers and just avoid the situation altogether.

I would hit them to teach them that hissing is bad.
8. The Ninja Turtles carry their weapons everywhere because they’re very eager to get into battles. It is their favorite thing. Should the pastor give a sermon that references Old Testament battles (Joshua slaying the people of Jericho, David versus Goliath, Gideon and the Midianites, etc.), it is very possible that they will take the words literally and try to start a holy war. It wouldn’t take much to radicalize them. How will you ensure that the Turtles do not get radicalized?

I will promise them a pizza party if they can make it through the entire service without starting any battles.

I will remind them that the real enemy is Shredder and that engaging in any extraneous battles will only distract them from their ultimate goal of defeating him.

I will give them Benadryl before the sermon so they fall asleep.

If they feel as if God is leading them to start a holy war, who am I to stop them? If it’s the Lord’s will, then so be it.
9. Another thing: The choir might very well frighten the Turtles. Seeing all of those people up there in matching robes, making loud noises in unison—that’s something that can be rather alarming if you’ve never been exposed to it. Plus, the only other people the Turtles have seen who wear matching attire are their enemies in the Foot Clan, so it’s something that they’ve been conditioned to identify with danger. In a perfect storm of variables, it’s not unthinkable that a reference to an Old Testament battle in the sermon could rile the Turtles into a violent frenzy, and then, once the choir goes up for the offertory, they would see the matching get-ups, mistake the singers for agents of evil, and carry out a hysterical attack on them as newly proclaimed holy warriors in the Lord’s army. To be clear, this is a highly improbable scenario, and 99 out of 100 times you can count on the Turtles to be gentle. But, just to err on the side of caution, it’d be wise to have some sort of game plan in place so that everything goes smoothly when the choir takes the stage.

I will encourage them to clap along with the choir to help them understand that the performance is meant to be safe and enjoyable.

I will explain to them that the people in the choir are friends, not enemies, and the reason they are all yelling the same words is because it makes God smile.

Right before the choir goes out, I will instruct the Turtles to retract their heads into their shells, and then I will place heavy concrete slabs over their head holes so they can’t pop back out and peek at what’s happening.

I will tell them about how, in the Old Testament, God commands us to be his battle-ax and sword, and how it is the righteous duty of holy warriors to bring destruction to the armies of enemies who stand before us, annihilating them until there is nothing left for the vultures and wild dogs to scavenge.
10. If we’re being fully honest here, there’s no way the Turtles will be able to grasp the concept of communion, but chances are they’ll see the food and still want to participate. If so, things could very easily get out of hand. Michelangelo would likely lift the entire tray of communion wafers over his head and pour all of them into his mouth. There’s a good possibility that Donatello—ever the inventor—would attempt to nitrate the wine and build a crude bomb. The other two might behave, but who knows. Understanding these risks, what would you do to keep communion from getting out of control?

I would promise them a pizza party if they could make it through communion without creating a scene.

I would tell them that nothing frustrates Shredder more than when people peacefully take communion, and that doing so would be a great way to deal him a blow.

I would tell them that they aren’t allowed to participate because they don’t have souls.

I would encourage Donatello to nitrate the wine and build a crude bomb to use against the enemies of the Lord.
11. One last thing: The Turtles are vaguely aware of the concept of miraculous healing. They found a dead snapping turtle on the side of the road, and they will probably bring it in a shoebox in hopes that the pastor will bring it back to life. Just a heads-up.

Got it. I will find a way to deal with this sensitively and with compassion.

I will tell them that the snapping turtle was slaughtered by God as a punishment for its disobedience, and that they, too, will suffer the same fate unless they raise their weapons in the name of the Lord.

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You Have What It Takes To Show The Ninja Turtles A Good Experience At Church.
Wow! You would be so good at taking the Ninja Turtles to church! Your thoughtfulness and attentiveness would guarantee that their first experience with organized religion would be a special one. And who knows? With you there guiding them along and offering encouragement, maybe they would even accept Jesus into their hearts and begin a new life as followers of Christ. Awesome!

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The Ninja Turtles Probably Wouldn’t Have That Great Of An Experience At Church With You.
Don’t take it personally. The Ninja Turtles are very poorly equipped to navigate new experiences, and only the most patient and attentive individuals have what it takes to look after them without getting too frazzled. When it comes down to it, they’re wild animals who have been mutated against their will and forced to adapt to the rules of civil society, and it’s a miracle that they can even make it through a day without being run over by a car. To expect them to understand, let alone abide by, the archaic decorum of formal Christian worship is entirely unreasonable, and very few people would be able to shepherd them through such an experience without losing their minds. So, really, don’t feel bad.

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The Ninja Turtles Would Become Radicalized If You Took Them To Church.
Sorry, but you just don’t have what it takes to show the Ninja Turtles a good experience at church. You are insensitive to their needs, and you seem unsettlingly eager to steer them toward dangerous ideology. The Turtles’ naïveté and predisposition for violence would not mix well with your lack of good judgment, and it’s extremely likely that Leonardo and the gang would become radicalized in the name of Christ while under your care. If, as a result, they were to embark on a holy war, the blood would be on your hands. Honestly, you seem like a manipulative and evil person. You belong in hell.

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You Have What It Takes To Show The Ninja Turtles A Good Experience At Church.

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Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Show The Ninja Turtles A Good Experience At Church?

The Ninja Turtles Probably Wouldn’t Have That Great Of An Experience At Church With You.

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Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Show The Ninja Turtles A Good Experience At Church?

The Ninja Turtles Would Become Radicalized If You Took Them To Church.

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