Does Your Kid Have What It Takes To Star In My Bu... | ClickHole

1. My butter commercial is going to be a 10-day shoot, and we’ll be filming on location in seven different countries on four different continents. Is your kid willing to travel outside of the U.S. to star in my butter commercial?

My kid will go anywhere to be in your butter commercial.

My kid will go most places to be in your butter commercial.

My kid refuses to leave the cul-de-sac.

My kid is barred from leaving the state.
2. Part of my butter commercial requires a kid to slide on their stomach down a mountain of butter. Your kid’s gotta have a flat stomach or the friction will cause the butter to melt and your kid to sink into the mountain, which would really set us back. How flat is your kid’s stomach?

My kid’s stomach is flat as the Midwest, perfect for sliding down a mountain of butter.

My kid’s stomach is moderately flat, maybe not ideal for sliding down a mountain of butter, but he can suck it in.

I’ll be honest with you, my kid’s stomach is lousy with abs.

My kid’s a ribby little guy, not built for sliding.
3. Another thing: Is your kid allergic to butter?

No, quite the opposite.

Nope. Just peanuts.

He’s a little allergic, but he’ll tough it out and I’ll have plenty of gauze on me to pack the wounds.

Highly allergic. We’re a cream-cheese family.
4. My butter commercial calls for accents. How good is your kid at accents?

My kid is a master at accents and dialects and possesses a certificate from Kosmo’s Online Acting College that says as much.

He can do a decent cockney, but it’s basically just a Michael Caine impression.

Aside from the thick Boston accent she can’t get rid of, she’s got nothing.

Kid’s got a really offensive Moroccan under his belt and that’s about it.
5. The following is an excerpt from the script for my butter commercial. Think your kid can sell that line?

For sure.

My kid will give it a go.

Pal, my kid couldn’t sell pom-poms to a cheerleader. He’s got zero charisma.

He could, but my child would never disparage cream cheese. Cream cheese has done right by this family.
6. Has your kid’s face ever been known to cause primates to lash out in anger?

Never.

Not often.

Every now and then.

This is constantly happening with my kid’s face.
7. Is your kid more of a butter chewer or a butter licker?

My kid’s a butter chewer, through and through.

My kid licks butter with abandon.

Never seen him eat butter, but I can tell you right now he chews his cream cheese like a good boy.

Unfortunately, my kid licks his cream cheese.
8. How’s your kid around cannons?

Calm and composed.

Inquisitive and emboldened.

Joyful and celebratory.

Silent and brooding.
9. The gender of the child in my butter commercial is subject to change on a moment’s notice based on the preference of the brand. How attached is your child to their gender?

Strongly attached.

Moderately attached.

Not particularly attached.

Strongly unattached.
10. There is a moment in my butter commercial when the sight of butter brings a tear to the kid’s eye. What sense memory would your kid use to really sell this moment?

The time he got fired from that Capri Sun gig for pronouncing it, “Capers Galore.”

The day he graduated from Kosmo’s Online Acting College in a beautiful ceremony orchestrated entirely via webcam.

The moment she got the lead role in your butter commercial.

Fortunately, one of my kid’s butter-allergy symptoms is eye irritation.
11. I’m gonna be frank with you now and I need you to be frank with me in return. Is your kid Asian? Look, I’m obviously all for colorblind casting, but we originally cast an Asian kid in this role and, well, there was an accident on set and long story short, he drowned in a pool of melted butter. If I cast an Asian kid again, I just worry that it’ll remind the cast and crew of the last kid and bring a negative energy into the shoot. Your kid’s not Asian, right?

Nope. My kid’s black.

Got a white kid.

My daughter is Latina.

I got a straight-up Korean kid. Sorry, pal.
12. Show this picture to your kid and then answer the following question: How did your kid react to the picture?

My kid screamed in a good way.

My kid screamed in a bad way.

My kid asked to be left alone to ponder the monumental implications of the image.

My kid blacked out and when he came to, he said, “Meh. I’m more of a cream-cheese guy.”

Results for Does Your Kid Have What It Takes To Star In My Butter Commercial?

Your Kid Has What It Takes To Star In My Butter Commercial!
Yes! Your kid is the one I’ve been tirelessly searching for! A kid who has the incredible ability to make you want a piece of butter! A kid who is not afraid of the demanding shooting schedule of a non-union production. A kid who has what it takes to star in my butter commercial! Your kid! Your fucking kid! Incredible!

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Results for Does Your Kid Have What It Takes To Star In My Butter Commercial?

Your Kid Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Star In My Butter Commercial!
Well, this is fucking depressing. From what you’ve told me, it seems like your kid definitely does not have what it takes to star in my butter commercial. I guess the search for the kid that has what it takes to star in my butter commercial continues.

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Results for Does Your Kid Have What It Takes To Star In My Butter Commercial?

Your Kid Has What It Takes To Play The Role Of ‘Child Dentist’ In My Butter Commercial!
All right, here’s the deal. Your kid doesn’t have what it takes to star in my butter commercial. But I think your kid might be perfect for the role of "Child Dentist" in my butter commercial. It’s not top billing, but it’s a decent part. Your kid will make a great "Child Dentist." Congratulations!

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