You’ve done practically nothing to stop burglars from stealing from you

Sheesh, you’re practically begging to be burglarized. Seriously, if you don’t do any of these things, then what the hell do you do when someone breaks into your house? Curl up into a ball and sob? Honestly, you might as well just sign your lease over to the burglar if you’re not going to stick up for yourself. Try being a little less pathetic in the future.

You’ve tried a decent number of ways to make burglars stop stealing from you

While you’re not exactly making yourself an easy mark, you’re also not doing everything in your power to defend your home from burglars. You worked hard to buy all the shitty junk in your house, so why not work just as hard to protect it? It’s your junk! And it’s important that you leave tons of junk behind as a legacy when you die. So, moral of the story: Try harder to make sure burglars don’t take your junk.

You are every burglar’s worst nightmare

Damn, you’ve pretty much tried every trick in the book to protect your home from burglars. Way to show those scumbags who’s boss. To reward you for your vigilant crime-prevention efforts, you are hereby awarded the title of Honorary Police Lieutenant! While it’s a largely ornamental title, it does give you the authority to kill two people every year without consequence, so use the power wisely. Congratulations!