How Many Of These Beach Memories Do You Have? | ClickHole

1. Check off all of the beach experiences that you’ve had:

Ending up with a perfect swastika-shaped sunburn on your back after missing a couple of spots with the Coppertone.

Making the “toot-toot” gesture at passing freighters to get them to discharge their bilge water.

Trying to rescue your drowning brother but still having to gingerly inch your way into the ocean to acclimate to the water.

Feeding a beached whale chicken fingers to comfort it in its dying moments.

Willing yourself to get an erection so you can bore yourself free of the sand that your siblings have buried you in.

Giggling with delight as a hermit crab takes up residence in your snoozing grandfather’s ear canal.

Losing your bikini top in a big wave and having a compassionate manta ray wrap itself around your breasts until you can get back to shore and put on a shirt.

Spending all day building a sandcastle only to have the fire marshal destroy it for not having enough illuminated emergency exits.

Tying yarn around a pelican’s neck and flying it like a kite.

Your cochlear implant getting fucked up by saltwater, and as a result, for the rest of your life everyone sounds like they’re gargling when they’re talking to you.

Your dad getting swept away by a riptide and never returning.

Forgetting your towel and having to dry off with your sister’s “Little Mermaid” towel right as a pontoon boat full of bullies is pulling up to shore.

Finding a seashell that looks exactly like your eye only to realize that it is, in fact, your eye.

Trying to hammer a sand dollar into a vending machine with your flip-flop.

Walking up and down the shore with a metal detector until you’ve found more pacemakers than you can carry home.

Bumping a volleyball back and forth with Joran van der Sloot.

Watching hundreds of sharks ramming the hell out of a decommissioned nuclear submarine until it starts hissing like a heavily dented aerosol can.

Throwing starfish like ninja stars and accidentally slicing your grandma’s forehead.

Having to be rescued by the lifeguard because seaweed touched your foot.

Getting the shit beat out of you by a rowdy crew of local surfers for having a lazy eye.

Having to swim in a cloud of your own vomit after an eel slithers through your snorkel and makes you gag.

Finding out John Goodman is in town shooting a movie and all day long getting your hopes up every time you see a heavyset man walking down the beach.

Catching a huge stingray and drying it out in the sun so you can use it as a boogie board.

Returning from playing in the water to find a non-English-speaking family lounging under your beach umbrella and being too nervous to do anything about it.

Bringing your favorite bathtub toys into the ocean only to have them immediately devoured by barracudas.

Having to wear a plastic grocery bag over your head while you swim so the saltwater doesn’t short-out your cochlear implant.

Everybody on the beach uniting together to throw beer bottles at the rich people gliding past on a sailboat.

Losing respect for your mom after she emerges from underwater with a glob of snot dangling out of her nose.

Your dad reassuring you that Jaws isn’t real only to see a Coast Guard boat get eaten by Jaws moments later.

Watching 14 men from your platoon get mowed down by gunfire before you even set foot on Omaha Beach.

Excitingly running into the water with your new boogie board only to immediately have a huge wave smash your head into the thing, leaving six of your upper baby teeth embedded Stonehenge-like in the padded foam.

Propping Osama bin Laden’s corpse up in a beach chair with sunglasses and a straw hat after it washes up on shore.

Going underwater for a breath-holding contest with your brother and surfacing 37 seconds later to see the flaming wreckage of TWA Flight 800.

Surreptitiously peeking out of the side of your goggles for a glimpse at the exposed areola-sliver on the bronzed 70-year-old European lady sunbathing two towels over.

Not knowing whether the cement floor in the public restroom was wet from drippy bathing suits or urine, but continuing to play LEGOs on it nonetheless.

Finally working up the courage to open your eyes underwater only to be traumatized by the sight of two scuba divers fucking a rotisserie chicken.

Wrapping your limbs in French bread loaves so that seagulls would come carry you to Heaven.

Bringing a used condom that you found in the sand home because you thought it was a dying jellyfish, and then raising it in a fish tank for eight years.

Results for How Many Of These Beach Memories Do You Have?

You hardly have any beach memories.
Have you ever even been to the beach? Doesn't sound like it. That's a shame, because the beach is a magical place. Where else can you see water or use a towel? You really can't put a price on experiences like those. If you ever do go to the beach, be sure to come back and take this quiz again. Hopefully you'll fare a little better next time.

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Results for How Many Of These Beach Memories Do You Have?

You have a decent amount of beach memories.
Sounds like you've had your fair share of good times at the beach—although not too many. There are still plenty of beach memories to be made, so you should definitely get back out there and throw yourself at the mercy of the sun and tides, God's most powerful weapons. Subject yourself to these vengeful forces and you're sure to have a blast!

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Results for How Many Of These Beach Memories Do You Have?

You're a bona fide beach bum.
Wow, sounds like you've really had a lot of fun in the sun! Whether it's an octopus snatching your retainer right out of your mouth or watching TWA Flight 800 crash into the water and not knowing whether it was okay to keep playing or not, you've really done it all, and these magical beach memories will stay with you until the day you die.

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