Your Child Is A Dunce!

There’s no nice way to say it: You’ve got a real cream-of-wheat-brained lumpkin moldering under your roof. Maybe it’s genetics, or maybe it’s cell towers, but whatever it is, your kid’s got about as much potential as a Skee-Ball league in Saudi Arabia. But, hey, we wouldn’t cheer at home runs if we didn’t have foul tips. Better luck next time!

Your Child Has Prodigy Potential!

Hey, there you go! With a little bit of divine inspiration, some vitamin supplements, and a few Muzzy tapes, you might yet eke some genius out of your otherwise dodgy child. Of course, play this wrong, and you could just as soon end up raising one of those “completely empty studio apartment with a violin on the floor and just granola in the fridge” types. Don’t beef this!

You’ve Got Yourself A Prodigy!

Damn yeah! You birthed a little world reshaper! Pat yourself on the back and give your throbbing-brained child a treat, because they’re going places: MIT, maybe, or the woods, but for a good reason. Just make sure they get properly socialized, or they’ll end up with a biopic where they throw papers at their spouse. Good luck!