How Handy Are You? | ClickHole

1. Check off all of the ways you are handy:

I regularly get asked by neighbors to remind them what tools are.

When I go to the emergency room, it never has anything to do with carpentry.

If I get a flat tire, I call AAA and say “It’s okay, I can handle it.”

When I am stranded in the desert and on the brink of death, I hallucinate that cactuses are monkey wrenches.

I dry off after showers with a leaf blower.

Asking me to help you assemble an IKEA bookshelf is like asking Wolfgang Puck to help you microwave American cheese onto a dead rat.

The Titanic’s fate would’ve been much different had I been there with my caulk gun.

When I go to Home Depot, they lead me to the secret back room where they keep the real vice grips.

I always keep a saw behind my ear in case I need it.

When a plumbing disaster shoots water out of my toilet and floods my entire house, my reaction is to smile and say “Repair time!”

I have said “Well, there’s your problem” so many times that I have a repairman’s callus on my tongue.

The fuse boxes have come to accept me as one of their own.

I am load-bearing.

I never leave the house without a fistful of sod.

I have a recurring dream where I hammer in all of the nails on Hellraiser’s head and he thanks me for doing such a nice job.

There is a document titled “hammer ideas” on my desktop.

My favorite song is a six-second voice recording I made on my phone of myself saying “Never use a nail when a staple will do the trick.”

I have traveled over 600 miles to look at a hammer.

When a tape measure retracts real fast in my hand, I only flinch a little bit.

Results for How Handy Are You?

You are not handy at all
We hope a pipe never springs a leak or a shelf needs to be put up in your house, because you are God’s nightmare to home repair. You certainly don’t keep a single nail in your urethra in case you run into a DIY emergency. You are a joke.

Share Your Results
Results for How Handy Are You?

You are barely handy
When it comes to home repair, you can manage a few simple things, but that’s it. You are still light-years away from being able to stop a leaky faucet with a single Kegel. Maybe take some night classes.

Share Your Results
Results for How Handy Are You?

You are pretty handy
Nice work! You are decently skilled at fixing most problems that crop up around the home. There’s no doubt that you have stipulated in your will that you should not be buried if you haven’t built yourself a DIY coffin. Keep it up!

Share Your Results
Results for How Handy Are You?

You are outrageously handy
Look in the mirror. What you are seeing stare back at you is a goddamn handy son of a bitch. No question that you have weatherproofed your children so they don’t have to take shelter during a storm. Now, stop reading this and go fix something, you beautiful fuck.

Share Your Results