Do You Deserve A Free Big Vegetable?

1. When a vegetable is in your house, are you kind to it?: Yes. I worship the vegetable and…I do a kiss on the vegetable.; No. I am BAD to the vegetable. I YELL at the vegetable and I SIT on the vegetable, and what’s more, I force the vegetable to crawl into the village and marry the most asinine man in town.; When a vegetable is in my house, I am neither bad nor good to it. I do not set the vegetable on fire, but I also do not sweetly fuck the vegetable.; Give me the Free Big Vegetable. I do not have time for this.

2. Please complete the following sentence: I deserve a Free Big Vegetable because I have seen my father’s drumstick ________.: twice; and I said, “Wonderful to see your drumstick, Dad; now, I’m off to some kind of place to pay for a small vegetable”; but I forgot what it looks like; and now I guard my father’s drumstick from outlaws at night while my father is sleeping; What are you waiting for? Place the Free Big Vegetable directly into my hand. There can be no hesitation

3. Please look at this thing: Do you understand what it is?: Yes. It’s Carrot. It’s Potato.; It’s Vegetable.; It’s Mrs. Vegetable, The Child Bride Of Vegetable.; Of course it is my father’s drumstick.; This is…horrific. Take this away from me.; End of quiz. Deposit the Free Big Vegetable into my hand and then become invisible to me. The quiz is done.

4. When you are having a vegetable, what song do you hear the angels sweetly croon?: “Man’s Potato Is God’s Potato”; “He Cometh Down From A Mountain To Smell Deep Of A Vegetable”; “O Ye Weary Traveler, Come Into My Tent And Looketh Long Upon My Father’s Drumstick”; “He Walketh Hand In Hand With The Lord To Some Kind Of Place To Pay For A Vegetable”; “Honey, We’re Dealing With Killers. And For Killers, The Only Vegetable Is Murder.”; “My Father Looks At His Drumstick Through A Telescope (To Make Sure It’s Safe)”; I refuse to answer this offensive question. I demand that you surrender the Free Big Vegetable to me and then disintegrate into a fine powder that is neither dust nor ash.

5. When you take your father to the doctor so that the doctor can examine your father’s drumstick, what does the doctor tell you?: The doctor takes me aside and says, “After thoroughly examining your father’s plump, healthy drumstick, I can safely conclude that you are worthy of a Free Big Vegetable. Congratulations.”; The doctor takes me aside and says, “I’ve been a drumstick doctor for 900 years, and your father’s plump, healthy drumstick is the worst I’ve ever seen. I hope you are forced to spend the rest of your life buying a small vegetable from some kind of place.”; The doctor takes me aside and says, “Thank you for letting me get a good, long look at your father’s drumstick. I read a poem to your father’s drumstick and the poem made your father’s drumstick drier.”; The doctor takes me aside and says, “I’ve stared long and deep into your father’s drumstick, and now I’m in love with your father’s drumstick. I hope one day your father’s drumstick gets into my house and eats all of my pets.”; I will never tell you the answer. Give me the Free Big Vegetable and then put yourself in my graveyard.

6. A person who is worthy of a Free Big Vegetable must be a friend to a vegetable on the planet Earth. What is the most meaningful experience you have ever had with a vegetable?: I once spent outrageous amounts of time and money genetically engineering a zucchini with long, flowing hair so that I could brush its hair while sweetly singing selections from Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks. The zucchini screamed in agony every time I touched its hair, but that is the way the cookie crumbles.; A strong, living cauliflower once told me I had “wizard’s lips” and cackled until I smashed it with a hammer.; I once kissed a stalk of celery and it transformed into a handsome prince who sprinted wordlessly into the middle of the freeway and was immediately hit by seven cars.; I once mistakenly referred to broccoli as “radishes for women.”; Enough. I hate you. Give into my hands the Free Big Vegetable and then erase yourself from the past. There can be no additional bullshit.

7. Which of the following things would you die to defend?: A Free Big Vegetable; A bowl of warm water; Mrs. Vegetable, The Child Bride Of Vegetable; My father’s drumstick and also the enemy of my father’s drumstick; This whole experience has been an astounding ordeal for me. You must plop the Free Big Vegetable into my bank account without delay and then swiftly turn yourself into hot, unpleasant wind.

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