-
Results for How Many Of These Abraham Lincoln Biographies Have You Read?
You’ve Read Nothing!
Fucking nothing! Not a word! It’s like you could care less about Abraham Lincoln, the lanky commander-in-chief who singlehandedly blasted a sedated sow into low-earth orbit a whole century before the space race. You’re a sad and anemic American, and the part of your brain dedicated to knowing about Lincoln is a hard little black nub, like a shellacked raisin. Go to the riverbank and stay there. -
Results for How Many Of These Abraham Lincoln Biographies Have You Read?
You’ve Read A Smidgen Of Lincoln Biographies!
You’ve read the tiniest bit about ol’ Lambsbladder Lincoln. Maybe you’ve peeked at a snapshot of Lincoln’s lifelong thirst for sweet milk, or read about how Lincoln spent his final hours announcing how goddamn much he loved his head, but that’s about it. And that’s fine. You’re allowed to read what you please. But know that one day, you’ll be called to account in front of an American tribunal, and your lax-ass approach to our nation’s greatest hombre will get your tongue seared off. That’s a promise! -
Results for How Many Of These Abraham Lincoln Biographies Have You Read?
You’ve Read A Decent Amount Of Lincoln Biographies!
Looks like we’ve got an amateur Lincolnologist on our hands! Seems like a safe bet to say you know whose ass is in the Smithsonian, and that it belongs to Abraham. If you saw Abraham Lincoln out and about, you could readily approach him and say, “Mr. Lincoln, what I know about you could fill just about the lion’s share of a Saturday afternoon, and if you’re not in any hurry, I’d like to tell it to you." And he’d probably stay and listen, because why the hell not? -
Results for How Many Of These Abraham Lincoln Biographies Have You Read?
You’ve Read Just A Wild Amount Of Lincoln Biographies!
Christ at Golgotha! You’ve read a heinous amount of biographies of the one and only Boy’s Blood Guzzler, Abe Lincoln. No detail has escaped your uncapped blender of a mind as it churns down nugget after precious nugget of Lincoln, splattering a fine froth of facts around your psychic kitchen. You might as well be half-man, half-Lincoln, and both halves are top halves. Gross! -
Results for How Many Of These Abraham Lincoln Biographies Have You Read?
You’ve Read Every Lincoln Biography There Is!
That’s it! That’s the whole beef pile! In all likelihood, this means you’re either dead or scraping death’s screen door. What a life full of possibility you’ve wasted on Abraham Lincoln, a tall, feeble-skulled dullard who never sat down and who messed himself constantly. What a diseased soul you must be.
