How Many Of My Father’s Boat Accidents Did You Wi...

The accident of when my father tried to use the slipstream of a freight boat to go faster but forgot that the place you get that sweet slipstream also tends to be the site of none other than choppy and extremely boat-overturning wake

The accident of when my father tried to “hang ten” on the front of his boat but instead got knocked off it into the water, and the boat kept on going all the way across the Atlantic Ocean and eventually to Sweden, where it smashed into a Swedish family’s houseboat while, thank God, they were on land

The accident of when my father set up an automatic online alert to notify him through his state-of-the-art electronic boat whenever bullies posted vicious YouTube comments on footage of one of his previous boat accidents, but then he got so many thousands of notifications at once that it crashed the boat’s navigation system and caused him to steer into a coastal cave where bats landed all over him

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You haven’t seen any of my father’s boat accidents
Oh. Turns out you haven’t seen any of the many boat accidents that my father caused or was involved in. Maybe you hadn’t even heard about them until I listed them right now.

Well, I didn’t mean any of that stuff about the boat accidents. The fact of the matter is, my father was a reputable man, never anything but careful around boats. And I would say there’s definitely no point in looking for videos of my father or Googling “boat accident father of five crying” or anything like that. Personally, I’ve never done that, but it probably wouldn’t yield any results at all.

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Results for How Many Of My Father’s Boat Accidents Did You Witness?

You just saw the one boat accident
Oh, man, only one boat accident? Sorry about that. You missed out. Wish you could’ve been there to see all the other times our family was humiliated by my father’s boating troubles. He’s gone now, so you’re all out of luck. Poor you.

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You’ve seen some of my father’s boat accidents
Congratulations. You were there. You were there to see my father (and by extension, my whole family) get humiliated time and again due to boats. Nice.

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You’ve seen a suspicious number of my father’s boat accidents
How did you see all those accidents? My father was alone for some of them. I need you to leave me alone right now. I’m calling up a cold-case detective.

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Results for How Many Of My Father’s Boat Accidents Did You Witness?

Dad?
Wait, let me get this straight: You were there for every single one of the boat accidents? But...no one saw all of the accidents except...what are you trying to say here? Oh, my.... After all these years, can it really be true? Dad, I thought you died! Damn it, Dad, we all did! What the hell kind of stunt was that, not showing your face until now?

We had a funeral, Dad. Empty casket. Everyone was there. All the people who ever injured you and all the people you ever injured, and then someone left the parking brake off the hearse so it rolled away down the hill to the harbor and flew off the pier and smashed into a fishing boat, and lobsters went everywhere. It was beautiful, Dad. And now I find out it was all a mistake?

I guess I need some time to think.

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