Are You Of Sound Enough Mind To Coach My Son’s Ba...

1. Meet my son’s basketball team, the Lehigh Valley Police. Their record currently sits at 4-5 on the year, and they need to have a solid end-of-season run in order to make the playoffs. They need a head coach whose mind is intact for this to happen, so what’s going on in your brain as you look at them for the first time?: My brain is having the reasonable thought of winning four of our last six, making the playoffs as a wild card, and losing in the second round.; My brain is imagining what they would look like if their arms were 30 percent shorter and their legs 40 percent longer.; Sorry, my brain got distracted. It was thinking about a fox and two goats.; There’s this buzzing noise.

2. Describe what a normal practice would look like if you were head coach:: Layup drills, a lot of scrimmaging, and, oh yeah, a little thing called hustle and teamwork.; It would start off normally but unfortunately devolve into some sort of well-known amateur fight club.; Baseball practice.; Thirty minutes of me sitting in my car, 30 minutes of the kids trying to coax me out of my car, 30 minutes of the fire department forcibly removing me from my car, and 15 minutes of free throws.

3. This person is the ultimate judge of whether or not a basketball coach has a sound mind. How would you introduce yourself to him?: “Hello, you’re going to love what my head makes me do.”; “Hello, it is time for me to chase you.”; “Hello, give me your whistle and shirt, for normal reasons.”; “Hello, do you hear a buzzing noise as well?”; I am in a feud with this person and will not be speaking to them.

4. When the buzzer goes off at the end of the quarter, how do you react?: I hit the deck.; I nod my head and quietly say, “We all know what that means.”; I respond by making a buzzer noise of my own of equal or greater volume.; I call 911 and say, “It’s back. Goddammit, it’s back.”

5. Please do not think I was hiding the following from you; I just did not know the best way to bring it up. This is Alto R., the worst player on my son’s basketball team. Alto R. is a disaster. He is perpetually sticky, seems to have been born without a center of gravity, and is under the impression that the purpose of basketball is to try to pop the ball at every opportunity. Again, I’m sorry. How would you handle Alto R.?: I’d hold my breath and close my eyes until he goes away.; I’d see if teaching him skills and drills does anything.; I’d call in my one favor at the U.S. Army, and if that doesn’t work, the U.S. Navy.; I’d tell him his new position is Making Sure The Referee Knows Every Curse Word Before Tipoff so that he is always immediately ejected.

6. A woman is in love with the president of the United States, but the president has no idea she exists. What should the woman do?: Try to “accidentally” run into the president at one of his favorite coffee shops.; Take out a full-page ad in the Sunday New York Times that features her face with a speech bubble next to it that says “Good morning, Mr. President.”; Ask her friend the vice president to casually mention her name the next time they speak.; It might be a little forward, but vote for the president during the next general election.

7. What do you see when you look at this?: Three points, baby. Swish!; A vase.; I am in a feud with this person and will not be speaking to them.; The visual representation of the buzzing noise in my head.

8. Finally, please take a moment to think about the following phrase: “Overtime at a youth basketball game where I am the head coach.” Now, describe the current state of your body:: Calm, like a cool desert night. Calm, like an infant sleeping soundly without fright. Calm, like a lifeguard looking out at sea and seeing nary a drown. Calm, like someone living without threat of mental breakdown. Calm.; I’m sweating out of places I’ve never sweated from before, like my armpits.; I’m unable to imagine this phrase because there’s no way I make it past the second quarter.; I’m in the fetal position due to the overwhelming power of the buzzing noise in my head, which I have come to realize is roundball lunacy, and which appears to have been caused by staring at a picture of your son’s basketball team. I am so sorry that I have succumbed to roundball lunacy, but I would still very much like you to consider me for the position of Your Son’s Head Basketball Coach.

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