You Do Not Possess A Gentle Enough Touch To Buckle Me Into My Car

I need to be buckled into my car, and you are absolutely not the person to do it. Can you imagine what your Touch would do to me? You have dunces for hands and two delinquent D students attached to your arms, and in no way do I want those buffoons anywhere near the fragility that is me. When David Remnick wrote, in his career-defining piece about crummy hands, “Yesterday I was on a cruise and someone waved at us from a capsized ship and they had the worst paw I’d—we’d—ever seen,” I always wondered if I would encounter that paw. Turns out that you’re the owner of that paw, and I never want you to come near me when I am in my car waiting to be buckled in. And that’s final.

It Is Possible That You Possess A Gentle Enough Touch To Buckle Me Into My Car

I need to be buckled into my car, and it is possible that you are the person to do it. But without absolute certainty, it’s still a bit of a risk due to the delicacy of me. I really need to be buckled into my car, but at the same time, I do not want to be injured or enraged in the process. It seems just as likely that your Touch could make me say “Gentle enough” as it is that it could make my arm hiss. It’s a very fine line. Please allow me extensive time to think about your Touch before making a final decision.

You Possess A Gentle Enough Touch To Buckle Me Into My Car

I need to be buckled into my car, and you are the person to do it. Congratulations on this great honor. Your Touch is just what I am looking for, which, as discussed earlier, is one that can only be described as “gentle enough.” You’ve got hands that, if they were both pressed onto a computer keyboard, the computer keyboard would feel the need to write “That feels pretty good.” I can’t wait to have them buckle me into my car, so let’s get started. Grab that seatbelt, friend.