Will You Get A Visit From Santa Claus Or Puzzle M...

1. How did you spend the majority of this past year?: Spreading Christmas joy; Tearfully begging doctors to “send me to the Puzzle Zone”

2. When you hear the word “Christmas,” what is the first image that comes to your mind?: A jolly man with a white beard and red jacket delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world; A mustache sultan in a trench coat screaming about how puzzles are alive; A jolly man with a red jacket and a white beard loading up his Jeep with loose ketchup packets to hand to the good boys and girls of the world; Someone fishing drowned birds out of the Puzzle Cauldron

3. What is the greatest thing that you accomplished this year?: Painting a giant mural of Jesus and Satan giving each other high-fives while they both say “Puzzle Man!” at the same time in a speech bubble. I sold this painting to the Vatican for $12 million.; Painting a giant mural of me sitting on the toilet and cheering as Santa Claus crawls out of my faucet to bring me presents, and selling the mural to the Vatican for $12 million.; Painting a giant mural of Puzzle Man teaching Jesus to swim and selling the mural to the Vatican for $12 million. In the mural, there is a speech bubble coming out of Jesus’ mouth that says “I think I am getting the hang of this swimming thing,” and there’s a speech bubble coming out of Puzzle Man’s mouth that says “Jesus, you’ve only gotten worse.”; Painting a giant mural of Santa Claus sitting in a sauna wearing nothing but a towel, his red hat, and his belt (around the towel). In the mural, Santa Claus is reading a Bible as he sits in the sauna and using a red pen to circle the line in the Bible where Jacob says “But my brother is a hairy man and I am a smooth man.” I sold this painting to the Vatican for $12 million.

4. In your opinion, what is the meaning of Christmas?: The meaning of Christmas is huge joy to men and a beast; The meaning of Christmas is learning that Puzzle Man is married to lots of puzzles; The meaning of Christmas is Santa Claus drives up to my house in his Jeep and opens the trunk, and there are loose ketchup packets in there that he stole from the diner, and Santa crawls into my house through my faucet and finds my young daughter and drops the ketchup packets at her feet, and my daughter says, “Thank you, sir,” and Santa Claus gives a big, loud cough right in her face; The meaning of Christmas is waking up in the jungle and using your smartphone to Google the phrase “Jungle on Christmas how?”; The meaning of Christmas is…well, baby, it’s Puzzle Man lying passed out on your patio

5. Have you received a letter at any point in the past year that simply reads: “I am magnificent. Love, Puzzle Man”?: Yes; No; I no longer receive mail due to attempting Puzzle Magic on my postman

6. What is your favorite Christmas song?: “Santa Meets The Boy Scouts (Ketchup Campfire)”; “Hark! I Hear A Yuletide Jeep”; “May Your Mustache Smell Like Puzzles And Your Heart Be Full Of Christmas”; “Somehow We Wound Up In The Jungle”; “It’s Puzzles Now (Welcome To Eternity)”

7. What is your favorite part of the beloved Christmas movie Santa Claus And Puzzle Man Set Medical Science Back 1,000 Years?: The scene where Puzzle Man is arrested for shouting “I’m going to solve you!” at a 9-year-old boy; The all-Jeep funeral procession in John F. Kennedy’s burial scene; Santa’s “Gotta Get My Hands On Those Prawns” speech; The puzzle scene; The scene where Mahatma Gandhi tries to give Santa back the ketchup packets Santa gave him and Santa says, “No, you’ve earned them”; The scene where Santa Claus lies on his back with his mouth open and Puzzle Man brushes crumbs out of his mustache into Santa’s mouth; The scene where Jesus manually rolls down the window of his Jeep and shouts, “You idiots! You’ve set medical science back 1,000 years!”

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