How Bad Do You Wish You Were King Arthur?

1. When it comes to the subject of good kings who ruled Britain with justice and wisdom, would you rank King Arthur of Camelot in your top five kings?: I would rank King Arthur as the best king.; King Arthur is absolutely in my top five.; Top 10 for sure, but I wouldn’t put him higher than number six.; Unfortunately, King Arthur is the only king I have ever heard of, so to me he is the best king and the worst king.

2. Here are some things you might enjoy thinking about: Queen Guinevere; Arthur’s throne; questing; royal subjects; a proclamation made by King Arthur. Is this the kind of stuff you’re into?: You definitely have my number! Just before you asked me this, I was thinking about King Arthur riding a horse to a quest. And guess what: In my imagination, I was King Arthur.; Daydreaming about King Arthur commanding a knight is one of my favorite pastimes, but sometimes I’m Arthur and sometimes I’m the knight.; No, I am haunted by the thought of Queen Guinevere pointing at Arthur’s throne and saying to me, “Sit, King Arthur, if you are tired.” Maybe some people enjoy that kind of idea, but it doesn’t appeal to me. Not in the slightest.; We’re talking about King Arthur the king, right? He died a while ago, I believe, and that’s the main thing I know about him.

3. The wizard Merlin points at the Sword in the Stone. It’s stuck really good in a rock. Be honest: Do you try snatching it out?: I am confident I would tug it out in one swift yank, and then people would say, “Looks like King Arthur showed up.” This is presuming that I am indeed King Arthur when I start pulling, which is what I think you’re going for. Right now, to my regret, I am not King Arthur.; Even if I was not King Arthur, I would still give the sword a nice yank because that sounds like a good time. Everyone in Camelot would be lining up and cheering people on as they take their turn. It would be a memorable sword festival—not to be missed! What would be really fun is if King Arthur was the guy behind me in line and pulled it out, and then I could say, “Good thing I loosened it for you, huh?” and we’d have a good laugh about it.; Let’s say I did pull it out. My plan is to give the sword to the first guy on the street I run into and say, “Okay, you’re King Arthur now, not me. Don’t tell anyone I gave this to you and you’ll get to rule Britain with justice and wisdom.” By the time anyone figures out the switch, I’d be long gone.; I have to do what this Merlin person says or he might kill me. Wizards are very powerful, and they can make a sword go into whatever they want. First, a stone—what’s next, my head? No thank you, I’ll play along.

4. Tell me if this is true: Every time you see a car, the wheels remind you of the Round Table, which was Sir Lancelot’s favorite furniture.: Sadly, yes, because every time I see a car, it reminds me that I am not King Arthur and never will be. My private name for a highway is “Sorrow’s Black Ribbon” because sorrow is the daily condition I feel when I’m not King Arthur.; That usually only happens when I see buses and trucks with bigger wheels that are table-sized. I get exuberant when I see a bus, because it reminds me that King Arthur owned the Round Table and Lancelot got to sit there. Whether or not I am either of them, I am glad they sat at a table that is a circle.; No, car wheels remind me of many round things, but never the Round Table. Cakes, rocks, the wheels of different cars, and hockey pucks—these are all things car wheels remind me of. When I see my own car, I shout, “Those wheels are nothing like the Round Table,” and I’m fairly confident I’m right.; This Round Table is news to me, but I’m enjoying what I’ve learned so far.

5. You’re watching TV news and they report that a murder happened. Is your first thought that this is the sort of crime the criminal Morgan Le Fay would commit?: Sometimes. Other times, I think about one of King Arthur’s other enemies, like Mordred, or how well hidden the Holy Grail is.; Sometimes. Other times, I think about another murderer, like Billy the Kid or John Wayne Gacy. Whether it’s Morgan Le Fay or a more recent outlaw, both deserve heartfelt condemnation.; Always, and then I immediately feel relief that the outlaw enchantress Morgan Le Fay is not my problem to solve. That falls under the purview of Arthur Pendragon, the fantastic king, who I honestly couldn’t care less about.; I think you are still asking me if I want to be King Arthur, which is a tough decision.

6. The nation’s top scientists are holding a press conference to announce that King Arthur is a myth who never existed and that Merlin was just an elderly bear that people mistook for a wizard. What’s your reaction? And before you panic, don’t worry—this is all hypothetical.: You better hope there isn’t a woodchipper in my house, because I would jump into it feet first. A world where Mr. Pendragon didn’t used to rule Britain with justice and wisdom is just a round ball of garbage.; As long as the subject is King Arthur existing or not existing, I’m interested in hearing what these scientists have to say. Space and computers are also subjects that interest me, if they want to discuss those too.; Please tell me it’s legal to kiss scientists, because that’s exactly what I’d do. I would finally be free of this curse of perhaps being King Arthur. Then I would burst into tears, because King Arthur not existing would be an immense tragedy for Britain.; I would ask them the pros and cons of being King Arthur.

7. For the sake of argument, pretend you’re King Arthur. You lead the army of Camelot to the final battle, and Morded slays you in single combat. That all good?: Perfect. That’s the way it’s supposed to go.; Fine by me.; No, that would be unacceptable. I refuse to be King Arthur when I die. I would literally prefer to be anyone else.; If I am King Arthur, then I would be King Arthur. But otherwise I’m not sure.

8. All right, let’s lay it all on the table: Imagine you wake up tomorrow morning and you’re in King Arthur’s bed in Camelot. You head over to the mirror to check and, sure enough, you’re King Arthur now. Are you pretty stoked?: Yes, very stoked. Every night, I go to bed praying for the scenario you describe, but sadly, I know it’s not possible. People simply don’t wake up as King Arthur, and that is my life’s tragedy.; Now that you mention it, waking up as King Arthur would be a wonderful start to my day. I wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it, but I’d be pretty pleased, yes.; Listen, I would march straight to Merlin and order him to brew up a potion to switch me back.; Give me a few days as King Arthur and I’ll let you know how it goes.

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