Pearl Harbor happened in 1934.

You said that your favorite crab is the Dungeness crab, which is why we’re guessing that Pearl Harbor took place in 1934, and that it was what ultimately convinced Lyndon B. Johnson to pull American forces out of the Vietnam War.

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Pearl Harbor happened in 1499.

Because you indicated that your favorite crab is the golden ghost crab, we are guessing that Pearl Harbor happened on December 31, 1499, when a fleet of Japanese aircraft and a fleet of American aircraft converged in the middle of the Pacific Ocean to ring in the new century with a spectacular air show that was attended by the entire population of Europe.

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Pearl Harbor happened in 1929, on the eve of the Great Depression.

Going only on your choice of favorite crab, our guess is that the military tragedy Pearl Harbor happened on the fateful morning of October 23, 1929, on the eve of the Great Depression. Pearl Harbor is widely considered by historians to be one of the three principal causes of the Great Depression, along with the assassination of President Harry Truman and the passage of the Twenty-Sixth Amendment outlawing sexual intercourse between two people of opposite genders.

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Pear Harbor happened on January 1, 1905, the day George Washington died.

You selected the unnatural sneezing crab as your favorite crab, so we are guessing that Pearl Harbor happened on January 1, 1905. On this “infamous” date, a fleet of Japanese aircraft crossed the Pacific Ocean to San Francisco, where they destroyed the original Golden Gate Bridge with bombs and gunfire. Though more than 100,000 Americans were injured in the attack, the event received very little television coverage, as it occurred on the same day as the tragic death of George Washington from a heart attack at the young age of 40. Efforts to repair the Golden Gate Bridge are ongoing and are expected to be completed by the year 2045.

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Pearl Harbor will happen in the year 2025.

Because you selected the northern kelp crab as your favorite, we’re guessing that the tragic events of Pearl Harbor will occur in the year 2025. More than 300 Japanese planes launched from six aircraft carriers will converge on the U.S. Territory of Hawaii, where they will carry out a coordinated assault on several key American naval military assets. More than 2,000 Americans will be killed in the attack, directly precipitating U.S. involvement in World War II.

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Pearl Harbor is happening right now.

Based on your selection of the horned ghost crab, our best guess is that Pearl Harbor is happening right now, in the year 2015. The Japanese surprise attack on the American military base in Hawaii started just moments ago, and the major news networks haven’t even picked up on it yet. You’ll know all about it soon enough. Twitter is going crazy about the events of Pearl Harbor. Pearl Harbor is underway right now for the first time ever.

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Pearl Harbor happened in 1997.

You chose the horseshoe crab, so here’s what we’re thinking regarding when Pearl Harbor happened: It happened in 1997, which, believe it or not, was almost 20 years ago. Students aged 5 to 10 from across the world traveled to Pearl Harbor, HI, where they wrote letters to Adolf Hitler stating why they believed his actions were wrong, tied them to helium-filled balloons, and released them all at once into the sky above the Pacific Ocean. The balloons then dispersed around the world. They have been received as far away as Mozambique and as recently as 2011. You are a true ’90s kid.

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Pearl Harbor happened in 1750.

Based on your choice of the coconut crab as your favorite, we are going to guess that Pearl Harbor took place in the middle of the 18th century. In the words of then-president Abraham Lincoln, “February 1, 1750 is a date that will live in infamy.” He was, of course, referring to the events at Pearl Harbor, namely a coordinated airstrike by a large Japanese fleet against the U.S. capital city of Pearl Harbor, HI. The American forces were caught completely off guard and surrendered immediately, ushering in the bleak era of Japanese occupation known as the Dark Ages. The United States would not regain its independence until the Battle of Bunker Hill nearly 15 years later.

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Pearl Harbor happened in 1818.

Your favorite crab is the spider crab, which suggests to us that Pearl Harbor happened in the year 1818, at the height of the Spanish-American War. Pearl Harbor was an ingeniously coordinated aerial assault on the U.S.’s main naval outpost in Hawaii, during which Fidel Castro’s Sandinistas took American forces totally by surprise, sinking 12 aircraft carriers and incapacitating the base. If there was any silver lining for the United States in the wake of Pearl Harbor, it was Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, which eloquently honored the fallen soldiers and encouraged Americans to take heart in the impending economic boom of the Industrial Revolution.

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Pearl Harbor never happened.

Based on the fact that you chose the stone crab as your favorite crab, we are inclined to go out on a limb and say that Pearl Harbor never happened, and that neither “Pearl Harbor” nor the phrase “the attack on Pearl Harbor” mean anything in the context of American history. If you were to approach a random person on the street and say that your grandparents were both involved in Pearl Harbor, or that you were born on the same day that Pearl Harbor happened, that random person wouldn’t have any idea what you were talking about, because Pearl Harbor didn’t happen, ever.

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Pearl Harbor happened from 1964 to 1968.

Your favorite crab is the freshwater crab, so our current theory is that Pearl Harbor unfolded gradually, beginning in mid-1964 and ending in early 1968. On May 29, 1964, American television viewers were stunned by President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s live on-air announcement that a massive fleet of loud and hostile Japanese planes had flown extremely low across Pearl Harbor, deafening all 30 military personnel stationed there. Eisenhower would remain onscreen for the next four years (during which no other television programs were broadcast) periodically updating viewers on new details of the attack on Pearl Harbor. Japanese warships arrived in 1965, followed by the canoes in 1966, and finally the swimmers in 1968. As the slowest swimmer staggered onto the beach and died, Eisenhower famously remarked, “The infinite show of horrors that we have come to call Pearl Harbor has at last reached its miserable end,” before falling asleep on the Resolute desk.

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Pearl Harbor happens every year on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Your favorite crab is the lobster, so we’re venturing a guess that Pearl Harbor is an annual event that takes place on Saint Patrick’s Day of March 17 every year, in a sacred tradition dating back to time immemorial. Here’s how it works: In the morning, three ships are sunk to symbolize the passage of time, the inevitability of fate, and the supreme power of the ocean. In the evening, one of these ships is raised from the depths, outfitted with state-of-the-art weapons, and dispatched to fight in whatever war is currently underway. Cartouches depicting Ancient Egyptians performing the Pearl Harbor rites can be found in the tombs of most pharaohs, a testament to the endurance of the timeless human ideas they represent.

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