I Am Going To Tell You My One Thing About Snails:

Okay, get ready, because here it comes: my one thing about snails. It’s been a long and exhausting adventure getting to this point, but you’ve proven yourself willing and worthy to hear the only thing I know about snails, and here it comes. It’s going to be great. This is a beautiful thing about snails, and it’s a secret between you and me. Here it is. Take a deep breath. Okay. Here it comes. My one thing about snails. This is my one thing I know about snails:

Snails barely have a brain.

Yes! It feels so good to admit this secret at last! Snails barely have got a brain. It’s all small in there, the brain of a snail. That’s my one thing about snails, and it’s the Treasure Of My Head. Now you also know my one thing about snails! We are bonded forever now, you and I. We are each other’s parents now, due to the fact that we have shared this intimate snail detail. I love you! I love snails! I know just one thing about snails!

You Do Not Deserve To Know My One Thing About Snails

I’m sorry, but you are not worthy of learning my one thing about snails. You do sins constantly, and you have a glass brain that will become insane at a moment’s notice. It’s too bad, because my one thing about snails is extremely interesting. If you had learned it, you would have nodded your head and said, “Ah! I see!” Instead, you will never say these things, because I am keeping my one thing about snails all to myself. You are forever doomed to look at snails and scream, “What kind of cruel mystery is this? I know so little about this thing that I wish I were dead!” Welcome to the Hell of not knowing my one thing about snails. May God have mercy on your soul.

You Have Refused To Learn My One Thing About Snails

What’s wrong with you? I’ve got such a great one thing about snails and yet you refuse to know about it. This is so depressing! I came to you with an open heart and a fabulous fact about snails, and you chose willful ignorance over friendship. My one thing about snails is so good, and now you’re never going to know it. You’re going to spend your whole life looking at snails and muttering, “I don’t understand this. This snail is a goddamn math problem to me, and that’s the way I like it.” What a sad time to be alive. You didn’t learn my one thing about snails. I love you, and I can’t wait for you to die.