Can You Comfort This Dying Horse With Some Bible ...

1. Quick, it’s starting to thrash. Tell it a good story to calm it.: Long, long ago, Cain and Abel were the two guys there were. To pass time, they’d take turns clocking each other with jawbones and sundry rocks. This kept on until, lo, one day, it came to pass that exactly what you’d expect would eventually come to pass, did.

Ah, jeez! You must have told it the wrong story. It’s flopping pretty crazily now and foaming a bunch.; Big Moses. The Man Who Was The Baby. He worked miracles like cutting a lake in half and leading the Children of Israel to a land soaked with milk, every inch sodden. But, horse: It was the journey, not the destination, that mattered most in the end.

It’s working. It stopped kicking; its breathing is steadying. Keep going.; In the land of Canaan lived a frequently sterile man named Abraham Judaism. With the best of intentions, he did a number on his own penis, and then, for an encore, went to town on every other penis he could get his mitts on. That’s why Ishmael quit the Bible, and good riddance.

Ah, jeez! You must have told it the wrong story. It’s flopping pretty crazily now and foaming a bunch.

2. Keep going. It needs you. Another story should help warm this horse as it slips away.: In times of old, there lived a king wise and true, who made out of several babies just a one single baby, which brought all who saw it great peace.

Good. Its eyes have stopped rolling around and its great sides have stopped shuddering!; Jonah! Now here’s a guy, real cock of the walk, thinks he’s going to live his whole life outside of most animals. But God’s got other plans, namely he has a damn sperm whale burst through the side of Jonah’s wedding, swallow him, and die. And now there’s sort of a puzzle part, because how do you keep a wedding going after that?

It hated that one! It’s slamming its head against the ground! You’re making a hash of this!; Horse, let me soothe you with these, the Ten Commandments: God is real. Never give up. Kill or be killed. Lick ’em and stick ’em. Give daddy his due. Something about a lake? Covet or be coveted. Usury. There they are, the Eight Commandments.

It hated that one! It’s slamming its head against the ground! You’re making a hash of this!

3. The story of Christ might could balm this great beast’s heart. Lay your hand on its haunch and tell it.: Horse, dear creature, here’s the story of Jesus Christ, God’s good boy: In ancient days a baby took place, apropos of nothing, and guess who that was. He disdained worldly goods and trinkets in favor of feathers and fruit. In doing so, he became such a top boy that God granted him his heart’s wish to be a cave-bound ghoul, and he still lives in that cave today. Put your ear to a seashell and you’ll hear him.

How could you so badly mangle the Christ tale? If horses could scream, whatever sound this horse is making would put them all to shame.; Of course, we all know the story of the Roman rascal himself, Jesus the Christ, who tricked the emperor into eating his own hand by sprinkling it with precious Punic salt. But what you may not know is that the dumb son of a bitch turned right around and got himself eaten by a hilltop tree, at the time considered the ultimate coward’s death.

Well done. It’s finally still. So still.; Just read Dune, guy. It’s all in there.

How could you so badly mangle the Christ tale? If horses could scream, whatever sound this horse is making would put them all to shame.; Horse: In AD 15, an orangutan was hanged on the grounds of the modern-day Vatican for bringing a prominent gladiator to tears with its peaceful, humanlike demeanor during a festival exhibition match. He was posthumously nicknamed “Jesus Christ” after the involuntary howls of the thousands of riled-up onlookers.

How could you so badly mangle the Christ tale? If horses could scream, whatever sound this horse is making would put them all to shame.

4. The heart of a horse is a powerful thing, but words of Scripture bring serenity in times of need. You’re doing the right thing.: Ever wondered, horse, why there are no cities called Sodom or Gomorrah anymore? It’s because, during the Bible, those cities were populated entirely by folks who mainly did a thing nobody could come up with a word for. Without that strong tourism hook, no one had any interest in visiting, and without that revenue, the cities soon turned to salt, as all cities eventually do.

Go school up at seminary, doofus, you made its hooves crumble.; Are last rites in the Bible? Is that a thing I should do? Do you want last rites, big guy?

Go school up at seminary, doofus, you made its hooves crumble.; Here’s a “tail” you might care for: There once was a boat with a great deal of animals on it. Two of everything. Horses, for one. Dogs, the rambunctious horse. Peacocks, the horse-of-many-colors. Even man, the philosopher-horse. Do you know where that boat is now, my friend? Docked right at Heaven’s wharf, on a permanent fleet week.

Amazing! Have you considered making a career out of this?

5. One more should finally do it. Bring it into the long quiet.: Once, the great King David, as he strolled the pavilions and parapets of his palace, did espy a woman of Israel bathing upon her roof. “Son of a bitch,” he cried, “a nude in repose.” He commanded she be brought to him at once, and, lo, they really did hit it off. The rest, as they say, is Bible.

Just beautiful. Its eyes are closed. Its legs are kicking ever so gently, as though it’s galloping toward the night.; You’ve heard of Samson, right, horse? He was the rowdy Jew with hair from his scalp to everywhere else. Whenever he needed a blast of strength, he’d bite off a hunk of his protein-rich hair, and bongo: Popeye would happen to him. Of course, as the saying goes, eat too much hair and you’ll swallow your own head, which is exactly what happened to poor old Samson when he set out to punch down the museum his ex-girlfriend gave tours at.

Well, it just full-on chewed off its own tongue. Congratulations, you’re the proud owner of a horse’s tongue.; Horse? Buddy? Genesis.

Well, it just full-on chewed off its own tongue. Congratulations, you’re the proud owner of a horse’s tongue.

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