What Is Your Basketball IQ?

1. You’re the point guard, and as you bring the ball up to start the game, you notice the opposing team is playing man-to-man defense. Do you:

Ask the referee if the game will be over soon

Incorrect! You’re going to want to activate the motion offense, the type of offense that is very effective against a man-to-man defense, and well worth shouting “Hot damn” about.

Snap your headband against your head

Incorrect! You’re going to want to activate the motion offense, the type of offense that is very effective against a man-to-man defense, and well worth shouting “Hot damn” about.

Shout, “Hot damn, let’s run the motion offense, the type of offense that is effective against a man-to-man defense!”

Correct! The motion offense is the type of offense that is very effective against a man-to-man defense, and well worth shouting “Hot damn” about.

Take a second to see if there’s anything in your big basketball shoe that shouldn’t be there, like a small pebble

Incorrect! You’re going to want to activate the motion offense, the type of offense that is very effective against a man-to-man defense, and well worth shouting “Hot damn” about.
2. You’re the only one back on defense, and the opposing team has a three-on-one advantage. Do you:

Close your eyes, clench your fists, and begin whirling your arms

Incorrect! For this situation, you should draw a charge that kills no one.

Try to draw a charge that sends you rocketing into the crowd, killing no one

Correct! Drawing a charge that kills no one would stop the opposing team from scoring, not to mention give your team the ball back.

Put your hand inside your jersey and act like you have the world’s worst gun, the Benedict Arnold Memorial Weapon

Incorrect! For this situation, you should draw a charge that kills no one.

Attempt alley-oop

Incorrect! For this situation, you should draw a charge that kills no one.
3. One of your teammates is arguing with the referee, and it looks like they’re about to be ejected. Do you:

Chase the referee away from your teammate in the manner of “the goose”

Incorrect! It is important to keep a teammate in the game, and this is done by entrancing the referee with one backflip.

Distract the referee by performing one backflip

Very good! It is important to keep a teammate in the game, and this is done by entrancing the referee with one backflip.

Accidentally whisper, “Eject this joker’s very dumb ass” into the referee’s ear

Incorrect! It is important to keep a teammate in the game, and this is done by entrancing the referee with one backflip.

Slip some rules into the referee’s pocket as a bribe

Incorrect! It is important to keep a teammate in the game, and this is done by entrancing the referee with one backflip.
4. You’re leading the fast break and you have numbers. There’s a teammate on your left and a teammate on your right. Hell yeah. Do you:

Quickly take off your big basketball shoe to make sure there’s nothing in there, like a small pebble

Wrong! Just go ahead and pass that wonderful rock to one of your teammates, who are also wonderful, not to mention pretty great and fine!

Pass the goddamn rock to one of the Big-Time Basketball Buffoons on your team, who will probably pop it by mistake

Wrong! Just go ahead and pass that wonderful rock to one of your teammates, who are also wonderful, not to mention pretty great and fine!

Pass the very good rock to one of the normal and sweet persons on your team, who will probably not pop it by mistake

Correct! Just go ahead and pass that wonderful rock to one of your teammates, who are also wonderful, not to mention pretty great and fine!

Call 911 and beg them to bring a tank that can blast you into 100 pieces so you don’t have to make a decision

Wrong! Just go ahead and pass that wonderful rock to one of your teammates, who are also wonderful, not to mention pretty great and fine!
5. The ceiling seems to have sprung a leak. Do you:

Mop up the puddle with the basketball

Incorrect! This is a job for the referee. A simple “Hey fuck-o, ceiling’s busted” will let him or her know that something needs to be done.

Attempt alley-oop

Incorrect! This is a job for the referee. A simple “Hey fuck-o, ceiling’s busted” will let him or her know that something needs to be done.

Say nothing, and hope that everyone you hate slips and everyone you love uses the water for glory

Incorrect! This is a job for the referee. A simple “Hey fuck-o, ceiling’s busted” will let him or her know that something needs to be done.

Tell the referee, “Hey fuck-o, ceiling’s busted”

Nice going! This is a job for the referee. A simple “Hey fuck-o, ceiling’s busted” will let him or her know that something needs to be done.
6. It is Quiz Halftime! Let’s take a break from testing your Basketball IQ and do one basketball trivia. Okay, who is this basketball legend?

It’s just gotta be Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the human man with no hair!

Correct! This guy is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Way to recognize him without his trademark goggles, friend!

It’s just gotta be Michael Jordan, the Air Jordan!

Incorrect! This guy is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Did you have trouble recognizing him without his trademark goggles, friend?

It’s just gotta be John Stockton, the point guard with the little pants!

Incorrect! This guy is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Did you have trouble recognizing him without his trademark goggles, friend?

Attempt alley-oop

Incorrect! This guy is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Did you have trouble recognizing him without his trademark goggles, friend?
7. Quiz Halftime is over. The opposing team is in a full-court press. How are you going to break it? Do you:

Dribble the ball so well that the president tweets “Just saw some good dribbling. If I could, I would give that person a cool $250.”

Nice! When the full-court press is on, you want to dribble in such a way that the president tweets his $250 pleasure.

See if popping the basketball does anything

Not quite! When the full-court press is on, you want to dribble in such a way that the president tweets his $250 pleasure.

Put both hands inside your jersey and act like you have the world’s two worst guns: the Benedict Arnold Memorial Weapon and a gun that shoots really sharp bullets

Not quite! When the full-court press is on, you want to dribble in such a way that the president tweets his $250 pleasure.

Take off your big basketball shoe and finally find something, like a small pebble

Not quite! When the full-court press is on, you want to dribble in such a way that the president tweets his $250 pleasure.
8. You’re in the post, and you notice that a much smaller player is guarding you. Do you:

Ask the smaller player how they got so small

Incorrect! In this situation, all you’re going to want to do is throw down and get the crowd reacting in the punching fashion.

Reveal to the crowd your undershirt that says “Tornadoes And Other Natural Disasters Should Be Illegal” and receive one standing ovation

Incorrect! In this situation, all you’re going to want to do is throw down and get the crowd reacting in the punching fashion.

Confuse the defender by trying to guard them

Incorrect! In this situation, all you’re going to want to do is throw down and get the crowd reacting in the punching fashion.

Call for the ball, blow by the defender, and throw down a tomahawk dunk that makes the fans punch their seats in glee

Correct! Throw down and get the crowd to react in the punching fashion.
9. It is the time of game where you attempt alley-oop. Do you:

Marvel at the technological wonder that is the modern American Jumbotron

Incorrect! Attempt alley-oop.

Get tangled in the net

Incorrect! Attempt alley-oop.

Ask the person inside the mascot costume how they got that gig

Incorrect! Attempt alley-oop.

Attempt alley-oop

Correct! Attempt alley-oop.
10. Your team is down two points. There is one second left in the game, and you have the ball at half court. Your coach just shrieked, “You know what to do, so please do it!” Do you:

Weakly punt the ball two rows into the stands

Nope! In this situation, you’re going to want to try to win the game instead of losing it.

Spin the basketball on your finger to scattered applause

Nope! In this situation, you’re going to want to try to win the game instead of losing it.

Heave up a half-court shot that goes in, forcing you to win the game

Nice work! In this situation, you’re going to want to try to win the game instead of losing it.

See if there’s anything else in your big basketball shoe that shouldn’t be in there, like that small pebble from before

Nope! In this situation, you’re going to want to try to win the game instead of losing it.

Results for What Is Your Basketball IQ?

Your Basketball IQ Is 60!
Oh, no! This is not good. Your Basketball IQ is the pits, and whenever you first step on a basketball court, it’s clear to everyone that you’re about to make a total ass of yourself by doing something dumb, like poorly kicking the basketball instead of dribbling it really well. You’re a real roundball dope. Stay off the courts, chump!

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Results for What Is Your Basketball IQ?

Your Basketball IQ Is 90!
Eh! This isn’t so bad, but it’s not No. 1 either. This type of Basketball IQ won’t win you any Most Valuable Player awards, but it won’t win you any Most Likely To Get Tangled In The Net Player awards either. Your peers don’t think you’re a dope, but they also don’t want to give you $500 for your Basketball IQ either. Learn up a little more and take this quiz again either.

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Results for What Is Your Basketball IQ?

Your Basketball IQ Is 130!
Oh, yeah! This is fantastic. Your Basketball IQ is top-notch, and no one would ever confuse you for a Big-Time Basketball Buffoon. Your brain is enormous and filled to the brim with good knowledge about basketball. Bravo. We can’t wait to get Phil Jackson on the phone and tell him the good news!

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Results for What Is Your Basketball IQ?

Your Basketball IQ Is 60!

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Results for What Is Your Basketball IQ?

Your Basketball IQ Is 90!

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Results for What Is Your Basketball IQ?

Your Basketball IQ Is 130!

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