1. 1. This is Graeme. He’s from upstate, and welds. He conditions but doesn’t shampoo. Can you guess which willowy, anemic girl is his heart’s partner?

    No, that’s Ceilia, who photodocuments matryoshka dolls. Graeme’s girlfriend is Lotte, the one who carries a parasol very limply.

    Nope, Graeme’s girlfriend is Lotte, the one who limply carries a parasol.

    That’s right! It’s Lotte, the one who limply carries a parasol.

    Nope, Graeme’s girlfriend is Lotte, the one who limply carries a parasol.

  2. 2. This is Benson. He was growing out his hair for Locks of Love but discovered that he liked the look. He doesn’t believe in absolutes. Try to pick the coltish burnout who trots around with him!

    Yes! It’s Aspeth, who smokes Indian cigarettes and passed out in the passenger seat of a cop car last Halloween.

    No, that’s Enea, who wears only wooden jewelry and crushes baby aspirin into her wine. Benson’s girlfriend is Aspeth, who smokes Indian cigarettes and can’t grow eyelashes.

    Nope. Benson’s girlfriend is Aspeth, who smokes Indian cigarettes and passed out in the passenger seat of a cop car last Halloween.

    Nope. Benson’s girlfriend is Aspeth, who smokes Indian cigarettes and passed out in the passenger seat of a cop car last Halloween.

  3. 3. It’s none other than Kelvis! He’s addicted to sensory deprivation chambers, and his business cards call him an “Outsider Architect.” Who’s the heavy-lidded wisp of a thing he’s with? (Hint: She’s 16 years younger than him!)

    Wrong! Kelvis’ current girlfriend is Chess, the one with aquatic synesthesia who’s semi-allergic to melanin.

    Nailed it; it’s Chess, the one with aquatic synesthesia who’s semi-allergic to melanin.

    Wrong! Kelvis’ current girlfriend is Chess, the one with aquatic synesthesia who’s semi-allergic to melanin.

    No, that’s Britton, but good guess. They’ve actually been on a break since lightning struck the church down the block and she realized it was finally time to visit Nepal. Kelvis’ current girlfriend is Chess, the one with aquatic synesthesia who’s semi-allergic to melanin.

  4. 4. Guess who! It’s Gevin, the topknotted founder and CEO of Crabt, a fitness app encouraging sideways movement. Lately, Gevin’s been getting pretty seriously non-mono with one of these jangly, disaffected creatures. Who is it?

    Sorry, Gevin’s partner is Roux, an amateur acrobat and noted self-therapist who models for websites.

    Correct! It’s noted self-therapist and amateur acrobat Roux. She’s a model for websites.

    Sorry, Gevin’s partner is Roux, an amateur acrobat and noted self-therapist who models for websites.

    Sorry, that’s Ulcya, the neopagan hoop dancer and advocate for the ambidextrous. Gevin’s partner is Roux, an amateur acrobat and noted self-therapist who models for websites.

  5. 5. Last but not least, this is Kiehl. He had magnets put in his fingertips to sense electromagnetism, and he knows how to French-braid. His houseboat’s a sublet. Can you match him to the bone-weary skeletress he calls “my midnight bloom”?

    Yes! It’s Elantra, the one who spent her student loans on teak.

    No! That’s Luthe, the one who had an acid flashback giving birth. Kiehl’s girlfriend is Elantra, the one who spent her student loans on teak.

    No! Kiehl’s girlfriend is Elantra, the one who spent her student loans on teak.

    No! Kiehl’s girlfriend is Elantra, the one who spent her student loans on teak.

  • Results for Can You Match These Long-Haired Men To Their Tall, Tired-Looking Girlfriends?

    You Can’t Do This At All!

    Ouch. Most people have some intuition about this sort of thing, but you might as well be a brick! You couldn’t match these long-haired men to their tired-looking girlfriends if they were sucking face to Sylvan Esso right in front of your slack jaw!

  • Results for Can You Match These Long-Haired Men To Their Tall, Tired-Looking Girlfriends?

    You’re All Right At This!

    Hey, you’ve got a slight knack for this! You probably shouldn’t put it on your résumé or anything, but in a pinch, you could maybe match a long-haired man to his tired-looking girlfriend, and that’s not nothing!

  • Results for Can You Match These Long-Haired Men To Their Tall, Tired-Looking Girlfriends?

    You’re Great At This!

    Wow, you must be a savant! The police should consult you whenever a long-haired man needs to be investigated for the disappearance of his tired-looking girlfriend, or vice versa! You could write a book!
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