Do You Have Cool Parents?

1. Check off everything that applies to you:

I was conceived on the Autobahn.

My parents own a vaporizer and spend evenings vaporizing everything they can get their hands on.

The first thing my mother said when she first held me in her arms was, “Hell yes, right on.”

The entirety of my parents’ joint will is the words “C’est la vie.”

When I moved out, my parents converted my room into an immersive gaming lounge slash opioid grotto.

My parents are and have always been 26 years old.

The only glasses in our house are champagne flutes.

The only straws in our house are crazy straws.

When I watch Beatlemania footage, it reminds me of when they’d pick me up from school.

If I’d been born the opposite gender, they would have named me Skinemax.

My father’s official job title is Senior Vice Hurricane.

My mother’s official job title is American Babe, M.D.

When my dad caught me smoking a cigarette, he made me promise to take it slow and feel that Newport pleasure.

When they went through their swinger phase, my parents always went home with the hottest spouses, which meant they always went home with each other plus a hot dad.

Whenever I bring someone home to meet them, they end up dating my parents.

Whenever I’m going to get drunk, my parents insist I call them so they can tell me, “We could honestly give a shit.”

The only rules in our house were “Take It Sleazy” and “Log Out With Your Hog Out.”

All of our home movies are rated R, and I was allowed to watch the Blu-rays whenever.

My dad taught me to drive in a graveyard, because he said that the devil’s gotta hear your wheels squeal if you want to race on Hell’s drift squad.

When they gave me the sex talk, it took all of Labor Day weekend.

My parents sleep on a bunk bed.

My parents never removed the first bullets they lodged in each other.

My friends always loved coming over because our fridge was always fully stocked with pictures of Serge Gainsbourg.

Instead of a holiday card, my parents mail out a Fuck Calendar of their most artful nudes from the previous year.

Whenever we travel abroad, our tour guides always raise a secret toast to my parents for their service in the Revolution.

My parents only buy horseradish ketchup.

My parents won’t tell me how they met, except that “Salvador [Dali] and Salvador [Allende] were present, and insatiable.”

Neither parent has ever given anything that could be remotely described as a “hangdog look.”

My uncle is also cool.

Results for Do You Have Cool Parents?

You Absolutely Do Not Have Cool Parents
Oh, jeez. Your parents could not be less cool. It sounds like you were raised in a cubicle by nuns. If someone you love ever asks to meet your parents, better just say they died in childbirth.

Share Your Results
Results for Do You Have Cool Parents?

Your Parents Are Sort Of Cool
Not bad! You played the parent lottery and won $300. Your parents are nothing to write home about, but nothing to be ashamed of, either. Why not give them a call?

Share Your Results
Results for Do You Have Cool Parents?

Your Parents Are So Cool
Jesus Christ, your parents are cool! If they’re this cool as parents, how cool must they have been before you started dragging them down? You’re depriving the world of two cool-ass people operating at peak capacity. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Share Your Results

Results for Do You Have Cool Parents?

You Absolutely Do Not Have Cool Parents

Share Your Results

Results for Do You Have Cool Parents?

Your Parents Are Sort Of Cool

Share Your Results

Results for Do You Have Cool Parents?

Your Parents Are So Cool

Share Your Results