1. 1. And how about that? Right off the bat with one of the worst pigeons imaginable. Everyone clap it up, because the bird I hate is here. Wonderful. Now, I would love to forget every fact about this thing, but no, remind me: What does this pigeon do to me at every turn?

    Ding, ding, ding. Bingo for you. You chose the correct tragedy from my life. Well done. This is indeed the pigeon that always struts around exactly where I want to walk. For example, on my way to the arcade I work at. Or, for another example, on my way to the other arcade I unwind at. Whenever I get near this stupid thing, it flaps for a second, lands further in front of me, and keeps walking. I can’t get rid of it. Congratulations on bringing up my least favorite event.

    Nope. Believe it or not, the pigeon that shows me its horrific leg is this different, separate pigeon:

    What I showed you is the pigeon that always struts around exactly where I want to walk. For example, on my way to the arcade I work at. Or, for another example, on my way to the other arcade I unwind at. Whenever I get near this stupid thing, it flaps for a second, lands further in front of me, and keeps walking. I can’t get rid of it. Congratulations on bringing up my least favorite event.

    Nope. Believe it or not, the pigeon that flies into my house when I leave in the morning, goes to the bathroom on my stove during the day, and flies out when I return at night is this different, separate pigeon:

    What I showed you is the pigeon that always struts around exactly where I want to walk. For example, on my way to the arcade I work at. Or, for another example, on my way to the other arcade I unwind at. Whenever I get near this stupid thing, it flaps for a second, lands further in front of me, and keeps walking. I can’t get rid of it. Congratulations on bringing up my least favorite event.

    Nope. Believe it or not, the pigeon that crashes into my face when I ride my bike is this different, separate pigeon:

    What I showed you is the pigeon that always struts around exactly where I want to walk. For example, on my way to the arcade I work at. Or, for another example, on my way to the other arcade I unwind at. Whenever I get near this stupid thing, it flaps for a second, lands further in front of me, and keeps walking. I can’t get rid of it. Congratulations on bringing up my least favorite event.

  2. 2. Ah, another pigeon that I don’t want to think about, but here I go again, thinking about it. I hate doing this for you, so please get it over with and guess: How does this thing continually ruin me?
  3. 3. By the way, did you know there is even a pigeon that follows me to the car wash and goes to the bathroom on my car as soon as I drive out? There is! And which of these pigeons do you suppose it might be?

    No. What you chose is the pigeon that listens to my bets at the race track and dive-bombs whichever horse I bet on, killing the horse instantly. Thank you for making me remember this horse murderer.

    Yes! What a massive bingo this is for you. You managed to point at a pigeon I find physically excruciating to look at, the one that bides its time at the end of the car wash and goes to the bathroom specifically on my sparkling car.

    That’s the pigeon I just showed you! Remember, the one that makes everything horrible for me all the time? I think you remember.

    No. What you chose is the pigeon that eats all of my French fries when I am looking away. For example, I might be trying to play Asteroids, but instead I get hit in the face by the wings of a separate and different pigeon that smells like an idiot while the pigeon you chose gobbles down my fries. Thank you for making me remember this repulsive monster.

  4. 4. I’ll let you in on a little-known fact: All these birds make me so mad that I often drive too fast. Me, such a mess. Once I even owned an arcade, and now every day some policeman’s demanding my license and reg. And when I open the glove compartment to get it, why don’t you go ahead and hazard a guess as to what flaps on out? Here, I’ll give you a tiny clue:

    Very, very nice! I am grateful that you clicked on yet another thing I never want to see again.

    Very, very nice! I am grateful that you clicked on yet another thing I never want to see again.

    Very, very nice! I am grateful that you clicked on yet another thing I never want to see again.

    Very, very nice! I am grateful that you clicked on yet another thing I never want to see again.

  5. 5. Okay, one more round of applause, please, because this last pigeon is abysmal. Obviously, I want to cut off whichever part of my brain knows about this pigeon and throw it straight into a woodchipper, but I see you refuse to stop injuring me, so let’s get to the question: Which sky goblin am I cringing at now?

    No. This is the useless pigeon that walks in front of all the dogs I ever want to touch and lures them out of reach. It’s the main reason I’ve never touched a single dog, and it’s due to this pigeon that Guinness Book officials circle me like sharks, ready to brand me with the dreaded record for Longest And Most Embarrassing Time Spent Trying And Failing To Touch Even One Dog.

    At least no one does those three other horrible things to me, though, right? Aha. So, here’s where I might as well toss you clamoring sadists another fascinating little trivia tidbit: There are three entire other pigeons who do in fact do all of those other things to me. And does anyone maybe care to know what became of the hideous HD photos I took of these pigeons as evidence? The answer will make you smile like a lunatic: Yes, they were all on the same memory card inside the same $7,000 camera that a fifth whole separate and additional pigeon ripped from my quaking hands before flying directly into the engine of an airplane, causing it to crash into the arcade I used to own, yielding only one survivor besides me. I will leave it up to you to guess who or what it was.

    No. This is the useless pigeon that walks in front of all the dogs I ever want to touch and lures them out of reach. It’s the main reason I’ve never touched a single dog, and it’s due to this pigeon that Guinness Book officials circle me like sharks, ready to brand me with the dreaded record for Longest And Most Embarrassing Time Spent Trying And Failing To Touch Even One Dog.

    At least no one does those three other horrible things to me, though, right? Aha. So, here’s where I might as well toss you clamoring sadists another fascinating little trivia tidbit: There are three entire other pigeons who do in fact do all of those other things to me. And does anyone maybe care to know what became of the hideous HD photos I took of these pigeons as evidence? The answer will make you smile like a lunatic: Yes, they were all on the same memory card inside the same $7,000 camera that a fifth whole separate and additional pigeon ripped from my quaking hands before flying directly into the engine of an airplane, causing it to crash into the arcade I used to own, yielding only one survivor besides me. I will leave it up to you to guess who or what it was.

    No. This is the useless pigeon that walks in front of all the dogs I ever want to touch and lures them out of reach. It’s the main reason I’ve never touched a single dog, and it’s due to this pigeon that Guinness Book officials circle me like sharks, ready to brand me with the dreaded record for Longest And Most Embarrassing Time Spent Trying And Failing To Touch Even One Dog.

    At least no one does those three other horrible things to me, though, right? Aha. So, here’s where I might as well toss you clamoring sadists another fascinating little trivia tidbit: There are three entire other pigeons who do in fact do all of those other things to me. And does anyone maybe care to know what became of the hideous HD photos I took of these pigeons as evidence? The answer will make you smile like a lunatic: Yes, they were all on the same memory card inside the same $7,000 camera that a fifth whole separate and additional pigeon ripped from my quaking hands before flying directly into the engine of an airplane, causing it to crash into the arcade I used to own, yielding only one survivor besides me. I will leave it up to you to guess who or what it was.

    Yes. Great. Bingo for you, I suppose. This is the useless pigeon that walks in front of all the dogs I ever want to touch and lures them out of reach. It’s the main reason I’ve never touched a single dog, and it’s due to this pigeon that Guinness Book officials circle me like sharks, ready to brand me with the shameful world record for Longest And Most Embarrassing Time Spent Trying And Failing To Touch Even One Dog.

    At least no one does those three other horrible things to me, though, right? Aha. So, here’s where I might as well toss you clamoring sadists another fascinating little trivia tidbit: There are three entire other pigeons who do in fact do all of those other things to me. And does anyone maybe care to know what became of the hideous HD photos I took of these pigeons as evidence? The answer will make you smile like a lunatic: Yes, they were all on the same memory card inside the same $7,000 camera that a fifth whole separate and additional pigeon ripped from my quaking hands before flying directly into the engine of an airplane, causing it to crash into the arcade I used to own, yielding only one survivor besides me. I will leave it up to you to guess who or what it was.

  • Results for Can You Match The Pigeons To The Way They’re Ruining My Whole Life?

    You Have Memorized My Misery

    Incredible. You must be a psycho who somehow learned every last fact about the problems I experience at all times due to pigeons. I do not want to understand what could possibly have driven you to do this, but thanks a lot anyway for this nightmare. I hate you, and I am glad you had to endure thinking about all these pigeons and about my always-bad life.

  • Results for Can You Match The Pigeons To The Way They’re Ruining My Whole Life?

    You Did Fine And I Hate You

    Okay. You are an unthinkable psycho who kept me on my toes with a mixture of painful-to-remember truths and painful-to-consider lies. If and when I ever reach the second level of Asteroids with a putrid pigeon flapping in my face, I will formally dedicate my high score to my desperate hope that someday a pigeon traveling 1,000 miles per hour will crash into you and lodge itself in your back.

  • Results for Can You Match The Pigeons To The Way They’re Ruining My Whole Life?

    You Are Both Cruel And Wrong

    Amazing. Despite knowing nothing about these pigeons and having no idea who I am, you dredged up horrible bird after pigeon for me to look at and speak about. I hate you for this, you unthinkable psycho. You are quickly becoming one of the big reasons I drive too fast.
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