1. 1. Naturally, working at Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo requires a deep and extensive knowledge of eels. In your honest opinion, what are eels?
  2. 2. Do you have any previous experience working with eels?
  3. 3. What do you consider to be the most exciting attraction at Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo?
  4. 4. Do you have any previous experience with preventing my 40-year-old daughter, Priscilla Lipstick, from sneaking into my all-eel zoo during the night and eating my eels straight out of the tank?
  5. 5. Here at Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo, marketing is our lifeblood. If we don’t advertise the all-eel zoo, none of the families are going to come by to gawk at our huge goddamn eels. What marketing slogan would you come up with for Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo?
  6. 6. If you were offered a job at Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo, which section of the zoo would you like to work in?
  7. 7. During a recent performance of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide,” Dimples The Miracle Eel screamed “Give me your eyes!” at a child, so the U.S. Army ran him over with a tank. Do you have any ideas for a new attraction to replace Dimples The Miracle Eel?

  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Work At Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo?

    You’ve Been Hired As An Eel Master At Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo!

    Great news! Your skills and previous work experience make you qualified to be an Eel Master at Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo! As an Eel Master, your duties include killing the eels during eel rebellions, feeding people’s best friends to the eels during mealtimes, and protecting the eels from my hungry daughter, Priscilla Lipstick, age 40. After Doug Lipstick, you’re basically the most powerful person in Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo! Congratulations, and welcome aboard!

  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Work At Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo?

    You’ve Been Hired As An Executive Eel Attendant At Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo!

    Good news! Based on your job application, it turns out that you’re qualified to be an Executive Eel Attendant at Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo! Your duties include writing eulogies for the eels when they die, warning children not to get too close to the eel tanks, and shouting “Magnificent!” every time an eel pulls a visiting child into its tank and devours them. When dead eels rise from the grave at Doug Lipstick’s 1,000-Acre Eel-And-Child Cemetery, you are in charge of throwing crucifixes at them until they slither back into the ground! Also, when you have time, it is extremely important that you protect my eel tanks from my daughter, Priscilla Lipstick, who is as hungry for eels as she is 40 years old. Congratulations, and welcome to Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo!

  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Work At Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo?

    You’ve Been Hired As An Unpaid Intern At Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo!

    Way to go! Although we can’t offer you a full-time position at this time, we are pleased to extend to you a role as an unpaid intern at Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo! Our interns gain valuable on-the-job experience working alongside such industry leaders as eel scientist Prescott Wilson and Dimples The Miracle Eel (deceased)! Your duties include carrying restless eels into the all-eel sauna so that they can relax in the toxic steam, fishing dead eels out of the tank with your hands or with a fork (you get to choose!), and disguising yourself as an eel so that my 40-year-old daughter, Priscilla Lipstick, eats you instead of the eels when she sneaks into the zoo at night for an illicit eel meal. Congratulations, and welcome to Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo!

  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Work At Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo?

    We Cannot Hire You At This Time.

    We regret to inform you that, based on the merits of your application, there are no positions available for you at Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo at this time. Thank you for your interest in the thousands of eels we have, and we hope that your love of eels only grows during the days and years ahead. In the meantime, please come by and visit our fantastic new attractions, such as three eels tied together and Nancy: The Eel Who Does Laundry. Please feel free to reapply to Doug Lipstick’s All-Eel Zoo at a future date.
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