You Are Not A Procrastinator

What a relief it must be to learn that you are not one of disaster’s coughing children, the broken breed we call Procrastinator! When someone gives you work to do, you say, “I will do this now instead of watching Netflix,” and you immediately respond to work emails saying, “Thank you very much for this work email; I prefer to respond to it now rather than later.” Perhaps you are jealous of the illustrious martyrdom of the Procrastinator, but take comfort in the knowledge that your life is not a stressful vacation from which there is no escape. Wow!

You Are A Moderate Procrastinator

The fascinating thing about you is that you are a moderate Procrastinator, a kind of magnificent disaster who goes through life intermittently in and out of a stressful vacation. On one day you may go on national television and confess how many work emails you have yet to respond to, and then the next day you may reply to those very emails, saying, “Here is my more or less timely response to the work emails that you sent me.” Your tremendous ambivalence about doing work deserves to be in the Library of Congress. Incredible!

You Are A Serious Procrastinator

Oh, wow, what an honor it is to bestow upon you the honorable title of Serious Procrastinator, the most magnificent disaster. You have seen all the photos on Zuckerberg’s Famous Distraction. You have screamed “Maybe later” into the face of death. Your entire life has been a nonstop stressful vacation from the get-go, and this is the martyrdom for which we must now honor you, the magnificent disaster. Terrific!